Some Sad News and 30 Days of Questions 16-17

A policeman was killed here yesterday morning. I didn't know him but it is all over the news. He was 32 years old, a husband and a father. His second child was only 9 weeks old. It makes me really sad, especially since his death was so preventable. I didn't watch too much of the news report because I find the news depressing. I just kept thinking though while I was watching, where is his mother? A policeman, a husband, a father, a brother, a man but most importantly a son. Somewhere out there there is a woman grieving the loss of her boy. That is all I can think of now when I see a man has died or been killed. How is his mother going to go on? I hope she has other children, I hope she has a supportive family.



Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

Holy picture requests! I'll skip that one.

Someone I would want to switch lives with? No one I can think of. I'm pretty content with most of my life and the parts I'm not content with I wouldn't wish on anyone else. I know my hubby would probably say I'd switch with Johnny Depp's wife or something but I wouldn't. I'm happy as I can be. Of course I wouldn't mind switching wallets with some of those people for a day!

A Mother Torn in Two

I just found this on the Kota Loss and Compassion site... this is it...

No Choice
by Wendy Plumley

My eyes are swollen
beyond capacity
from unshed tears.
My heart is numb
and I am broken
from one
too many blows.


I refuse the pain,
and therefore
dare not cry,
lest I dissipate
in the salty torrent
of anguish,
without hope of
ever resurfacing.


Gasping for air,
I must fight
the towering
waves of grief
that threaten
to engulf me.
For once so lost
it is impossible
to return.


No cut
or wound
could hurt
more deeply
than this
devastating
loss.


So understand
I do not cry,
because she needs me.
My body will cling
to a precarious sanity
and remain,
though my soul
has long fled
this treacherous world
because I need him.


A mother, torn in two.


In the author's words
The above poem was written for a mother who struggles to remain in this world for her young daughter, whilst all the time dreadfully missing her son.

30 Days of Questions 13-15

Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play

I will skip 13 for now because I really have to think about that one. And 14, I think I've posted enough pics! And I realized I look really fat in pics right now and hate it! I'll post a pic in 6 months.

Day 15 : 10 songs

Rain Down on Me
Arizona Dust
Iris
Man in the Mirror
Rest
Angel
Wavin Flag
The Dance
Is it You
Big Dumb Rocket

30 Days of Questions 10-12

Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad

I listen to the same music regardless of my mood. My playlist is very mixed with lots of types of songs from happy to sad to raging to excited. I do find music to be very soothing and even when I'm raging and put on a raging song it usually calms me.

Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one

I met a BLM from the Grieve Out Loud penpal program and she encouraged me to write. I discovered the blogs when I googled "pregnancy loss" and stumbled across a blog.

30 Days of Questions - Day 9

Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days

BREASTFEEDING!! It aint easy sisters. My nipples look like someone went at them with a cheese grater. But breast is best and Caleb loves it. He would take the boob over a bottle anyday. As soon as he was born he found my nipple and stayed there for almost two hours. When I pump and give him the milk in a bottle he always fusses a little at first. He knows where he wants to eat. I'm proud that I'm sticking with it instead of giving up although I've had the urge to do that more than once.

Budgeting. I've finally worked out a budget for myself for my mat leave and our trip next year. Hopefully I can stick with it.

Fears and 30 Days of Questions

My fears are pretty much off the charts right now. I'm so afraid that Caleb is not yet safe. That I'll never stop worrying about something happening to him. I really only feel safe at home with him. When we go out around other people I focus on what diseases he could catch or what some freak on the street could do. I know I have to start focusing on the positive and not the negative. I can't live my life like this and I don't want to raise my kids in that kind of emotional enviroment. To my credit I have been able to control my anxiety and not let it affect Abby. I let her do lots of things that scare the crap out of me and I just hide it. I have a breakdown now and then around hubby but other than him I don't think anyone would know how anxious I am. Not just since Blaine either, I've always been like this. It's just worse now because now I know the worst can happen to me! I'm not immune to it like I wanted to believe. The problem is I'm not sure how to get rid of the anxiety. Meds help to some extent but not completely. I know that's what the doctor would suggest since I've had post partum depression twice and been medicated both times. Problem is they help with the physical effects like panic attacks but they don't take the thoughts away. And therapy didn't either. I hate sitting and telling someone what my fears are because I know they sound ridiculous and far fetched. I'm not convinced it is PPD and not just generalized anxiety. I have it most of the time not just after birth.
Any tips anyone? If you could say a little prayer for me that I'll figure this out that would be much appreciated. Would rather figure out how to handle it or get over it without resorting to anti anxiety meds.



Question 7: Short Term Goals for this month and why?

1. to continue breastfeeding - that is my biggest goal and I'm setting it a month at a time instead of saying "I'll breastfeed the whole time I'm off work." I'd like to do that but don't want to set myself up for failure.


2. to get back into a workout routine - my big goal is to be at 150 pounds by New Years so that's about 50 pounds or so I have to lose in 6 months. More than manageable.


3. to start eating healthier. We tried to do a clean grocery shop this time around and I only allowed myself one treat, peanut butter filled pretzels. Now, I just have to stop it with the iced coffees everyday!.


4. to work out a plan for treating my anxiety - see above

A picture of someone/something that has had the biggest impact on you -

my family.

Father's Day and 30 Days of Questions - Day 6

Your Favourite Superhero and why? -

I don't have one. I'm not much into comic books and things like that. Can I say David from the Bible? Maybe not a typical superhero but he was super and was a hero. I think that counts for something, no? Why? Because he was so human, so very flawed. He made so many mistakes, big ones, like murder and adultery. He lied, cheated and stole to get his own way. And yet, he wrote the most beautiful poetry and was at times humble and gentle. He lost a son. He was so very flawed and yet God loved him so much. He made him king, inspired him to write the Psalms, made his lineage the very one that his own Son would be born from. How cool is that? If this lying, murdering, wife stealing, cheating, boy from nowhere can be favoured like that then there is hope isn't there?

Father's Day is tomorrow. We sent Daddy golfing today as his gift. I just picked up some cupcakes and Sissy has made him a card at school plus we bought some cards. She's already planning on signing her brothers (plural) names on the card. So sweet of her. My husband was a good Dad to Blaine in the short time we had him. He took care of me (more than usual) from the moment we found out we were pregnant. And I know how much he still misses his little slugger. I hope we can make it special for him and let him know that all three of his kids are lucky to have him.

30 Days of Questions - Day 5

A photo of somewhere you've been

I'm not sure the name of this Bay but we go there every summer and sit on the dock of the bay and eat ice cream. It is so peaceful. I always feel warm and safe and at home there. I have pics of Abby there (eating ice cream) and she has taken pics of me and hubby. I can't wait until this year to get one of the four of us.

30 Days - Question 4

A habit you wish you didn't have: I bite my nails. It's nasty I know. I only do it when I'm stressed or anxious but that happens to be a lot of the time!

This was in my inbox today and I had to share it:


Today I Will Make a Difference

Today I will make a difference. I will begin by controlling my thoughts. A person is the product of his thoughts. I want to be happy and hopeful. Therefore, I will have thoughts that are happy and hopeful. I refuse to be victimized by my circumstances. I will not let petty inconveniences such as stoplights, long lines, and traffic jams be my masters. I will avoid negativism and gossip. Optimism will be my companion, and victory will be my hallmark. Today I will make a difference.

I will be grateful for the twenty-four hours that are before me. Time is a precious commodity. I refuse to allow what little time I have to be contaminated by self-pity, anxiety, or boredom. I will face this day with the joy of a child and the courage of a giant. I will drink each minute as though it is my last. When tomorrow comes, today will be gone forever. While it is here, I will use it for loving and giving. Today I will make a difference.

I will not let past failures haunt me. Even though my life is scarred with mistakes, I refuse to rummage through my trash heap of failures. I will admit them. I will correct them. I will press on. Victoriously. No failure is fatal. It’s OK to stumble… . I will get up. It’s OK to fail… . I will rise again. Today I will make a difference.

I will spend time with those I love. My spouse, my children, my family. A man can own the world but be poor for the lack of love. A man can own nothing and yet be wealthy in relationships. Today I will spend at least five minutes with the significant people in my world. Five quality minutes of talking or hugging or thanking or listening. Five undiluted minutes with my mate, children, and friends.

Today I will make a difference.


From Shaped by God (original title: On the Anvil)
Copyright (Tyndale House, 1985, 2002) Max Lucado

30 Days - Question 3

A picture of you and your friends

I don't really have a good one on the computer but here is a picture of me and hubby, who is my best friend. This was at our wedding.

In Caleb news, little monkey man is doing quite well. He is such a good baby, doesn't whine or cry for no reason. He has lots of awake time where he looks around and makes baby sounds at us. He is a total boob machine and loves to eat. We are still working out cosleeping. We are trying to balance having him spend sometime in the bed with us and sometime on his own. Breastfeeding is going well but it is exhausting and I'm really sore. Sissy is loving him so much. She is such a big help and gives him his vitamin D everyday, as his nurse. She fetches diapers and wipes and washclothes and blankies. She holds doors open and gets his soother ("Winnie") for him when he needs it. She tells him about 50 times a day how cute he is and that she loves him. I am so happy right now just watching him blossom and watching her delight in everything he does.

Big Love, if you read this please email me with your email address...I still can't comment on blogs but I have some reading suggestions for you on your question of attachement parenting.

30 Days - Question 2

30 Days - #2: The meaning behind your blog name

Name = Waves Over Stones

"wash over me like waves over stones, In My Bones." From the song by Bluerodeo. This is one of the first songs that made me think of Blaine. It pretty much summed up my feelings. Waves, I'm a total dolphin. I was born beside the ocean and have been swimming since I was 3. I love the water, being in it, floating, listening to the waves. It's so calming. That and the smell of the salt. There are few things more relaxing than sitting on the beach on a hot day, watching the tides, with a cool salty breeze blowing your way. Stones, it's a play on our last name. And it's actually hubby's nickname on his baseball team. That makes me Mama Stones. Grief is like a wave, ebbing and flowing. Consuming and washing away. Sometimes I feel like a stone on the beach with rough waters all around me, I can be picked up and tossed back and forth or I can hold my ground and brave the storm.

Blaine's Butterfly Release

me and Abby releasing the butterfly and Abby holding it

Yesterday we sort of attended the PBSO Butterfly Release. I say sort of because we were late. I stupidly thought it started at 11:30 not 11 and so we got there and they had already released them. We were told we were too late. Needless to say I started to have a breakdown. How can I screw up one of the few things I get to do for Blaine? Hubby talked to someone though and they had extras not yet released so they gave us one. Phew! Sissy and I released them and then hubby and her chased it around taking pics. Then it met a friend and they flew away together, swirling around each other almost like they were dancing. I immediately thought of so many of my BLM sisters. Thinking that it had to be one of Blaine's friends. I feel so relieved that we got one to release but feel like a total idiot for mixing up the times and almost ruining the day for us. Who am I kidding, it would have ruined my whole week.

30 Days of Questions - Day One

A recent photo of myself:

15 "interesting facts about myself" Not sure how interesting these will be...

1. I love vampire stories, all of them, even cheesy ones like V.D.


2. I am the mother of three


3. I have had the same favourite band (Bluerodeo) since I was in grade nine, fell in love with them because the song of theirs that was popular at the time reminded me of my favourite book at the time.


4. I don't have a lot of friends and like to spend a fair amount of time alone, a luxury now that I'm married with children.


5. I've read thousands and thousands of books. I'm a speed reader so if I have access to them I can read about two or three novels a week.


6. I hate wearing makeup and I don't wear high heels although I still consider myself girly.


7. I like a lot of the shows my daughter "forces" me to watch and find myself laughing at the stupid jokes almost everytime.


8. There are some things I know I cannot live without: my hubby, my kids, God, coffee and chocolate.


9. I have become one of those annoying parents who takes a hundred pics of their kids a day and thinks everyone else wants to look at them.


10. I am a country girl and would give up this city life in a second, pack it all up and head up north.


11. My dream car is a bright pink pick up truck!


12. I watch one soap opera, GH, religiously. I had my hubby buy a PVR just to record that one show while I am at work so I don't miss anything. It's the only soap I can stand but I can't miss it!


13. I am an only child but I have three step siblings and three half siblings. That might not make sense.


14. I would much rather lie on a beach, watching the kids play in the surf, drinking margheritas, than soak up "culture" in some European city or check out ancient ruins somewhere. That to me sounds like work.


15. I never in my life thought I would count "strangers" as my family or credit them for helping to save me on dark days. But here we all are.
    
    

30 Days of Questions Two - Setup

Stealing this from Jessica at Too Beautiful for this Earth! Love these things. I started one of these before or around Christmas and never finished. Better luck this time! I will start tomorrow though because I have to think of 15 things about myself!!


Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your Blog name
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Your favorite song

Apples and Oranges

Last night was a rough night. My energy was totally drained and of course when I get that tired I start to get emotional. Boob man, or Caleb as we call him, basically wanted to eat for 4 hours straight last night. When you're breastfeeding this is tough to say the least. It exhausted me. Good news is that he is up past his birth weight so these marathon sessions are doing him good. Yesterday I sat and relieved the whole labour process. Analyzing it basically. I don't feel bad about any of it. I have my boy home with me so anything that happened at the hospital can stay at the hospital. The thing is I was comparing it to Blaine's birth. Which wasn't really a "birth" at all. And you can't compare the two because one was full term and one wasn't; one was a delivery of a healthy baby boy and the other was the death of a baby for reasons unknown. I know that logically but it still is playing through my mind. All of the things I could have or should have done differently. I never thought to spend time with Blaine, never thought it would hurt me that I didn't; didn't take anything to the hospital with me, no camera, no blankie, nothing. I was completely unprepared. And even the physical part of it. Having now gone through the labour process, all of the signs and symptoms I had with Blaine and didn't recognize at the time. I know I can't beat myself up over what happened. It's not like he cares how his body came into this world. But at emotional times like last night, it's where I go, what I think of. I want a redo. I want to go back to that day knowing what I know now and redo it. As painful as it was. Not that that would really solve anything. It just sucks that the memories I have of that day are ALL bad.

Good Grief

I finally have Blaine back. My chain had broken while I was in labour, just the clasp, and I had to get it replaced. I finally picked it up from the jeweller today and Blaine is back on my chest, not quite "where he belongs" but as close as I get. I resisted the urge to tell the jeweller all about it and what it means to me. He's an acquaintance of hubby's and I didn't want to freak him out by telling him I carry my son's ashes around my neck everyday. If he were a stranger I probably would have. It is now fixed and apparently this is quite a good clasp and I should have a problem with it again. The other clasp literally just fell apart when I undid the necklace while I was in labour. Weird.

I'm still in a pretty good place. I've had a couple of moments over the past few days where I've teared up thinking of B. They are normal thoughts though and normal longings. I don't feel like I'm in a dark place. For the most part I am happy. My little rainbow monkey is thriving. I got a really nice gift in the mail from Bailey's Momma, Danae. She knit him a blankie and sent him a shirt that says "Little Brother" on it. And a nice card saying how proud Blaine would be of his little brother and how he's watching over him. I like to think so. That Blaine is Abby and Caleb's personal angel. With them always. We were at the park on Sunday and Abby did another one of her phenomenally amazing things. She was blowing bubbles and she told the bubbles to fly up and say hi to Blaine for her. God, how I love this kid. We are going to a butterfly release on Sunday with the local bereavement group hubby and I attended last year. Abby is really excited to send butterflies up to her brother. I told her she can whisper a message to the butterfly and he will fly up and give Blaine the message.

I feel like the worst commenter right now but it's not my fault, I swear!! I am reading everyone's blogs but unless there is a separate pop up window for comments I can't comment. Don't know why. But I'm here and reading in case you're wondering.

I love this face. Belly full of boob juice and nothing left to do but drift off to sleep.

I feel good. This worries me. How psycotic am I? I have a really good day and I worry about it. Typical Elaine. I've been really hesitant and nervous with Caleb. I'm still not confident that things will stay this good. But today was such a good day. My hubby is back to work and I did everything myself this morning, managed Caleb and got Sissy ready for school. We walked her to school and then I took him for a bit of a walk. I haven't done much of that by myself, I'm too nervous something will happen or we'll have another crazy person approach us. I felt a little more of my confidence back today though. I'm sure I looked like a loon pushing the stroller down the street with a big grin on my face. Today for the first time in awhile it crossed my mind that I could handle being happy. Maybe being happy isn't so bad. Maybe we've been through the worst and survived it and we get some sunny skies for awhile. Dare I say I'm optimistic?

Right Where I Am: 1 year, 1 month, 22 days later

This post is part of a project started by Angie at Still Life with Circles, the one where you talk about right where you are in your grief and what it is like now, so new people can get an idea of the experience of grief further down the road, and so people further down the road can reflect on how far they have come in their grief.

Where am I? I'm now at a place of acceptance. I've accepted the fact that my child died. That my family will miss out on all of the things we should have gotten to do with Blaine. I've accepted that at least in this Earthly life I am a member of the Dead Baby Club. It sucks, everyday I feel the unfairness of it all but it is our reality.

Where am I? I'm not at a place where I can forgive and forget yet. I'm still bitter about some things. I'm still fiercely determined to have my sons brief yet beautiful life recognized by everyone around me, at least everyone who is an integral part of our life. I still love getting photo's of his name or anything else that shows that someone thought of him without me having to ask. I still love to hear his name on a TV show or read it in a book. To me that name is precious music.

Where am I? I am enjoying my Rainbow. I was blessed to get pregnant quickly after losing Blaine and have welcomed our second son into the world. I feel so much happiness and joy. I am still a nervous wreck and worry that at any minute I could lose another one of my children. I am however, trying to be more relaxed and trusting. With the arrival of the Rainbow comes new grief and new "why's." Just this morning I stood in the shower massaging my breasts and had a flashback to when Blaine was born. As a sick joke mother nature decided I needed to produce milk. My breasts leaked and swelled up but there was no baby to feed. I remember standing in the shower expressing some milk to relieve the pain and bawling, bawling, ugly cry. This morning brought a flashback and once again I stood in the shower crying, remembering how much it hurt physically and emotionally. There are still lots of moments like that even after all this time. Moments where I'm crippled with a memory or guilt over something I wish I had done differently.

Where am I? I think spiritually, emotionally and physically I am a much stronger person. I have a clearer sense of what my priorities are now. I know exactly what I want and don't want in my family's life. I am much more the mother lioness. I will protect them at any cost because I know now what it feels like to lose a member. I've grown a lot over this past year. I've made some great new friends, sisters who I cherish. I have fallen in love with my husband over and over again. I have watched my daughter love and honour her little brother in a way I that overwhelmes me with love for her and her little soul. I am more loyal, more trusting of people (never thought I'd make a friend online and yet here I am) and more open about myself. There is an expression that when you have a child you make the decision to forever wear your heart outside of your body. I think when you lose a child one of the best decisions you can make is to expose your very heart and soul to others. A group praying and sharing together is a powerful healing force.

This past year, month and 22 days have been a scrambler of emotion. So many high highs and very low lows. Most importantly I survived it. It may have taken therapy, psychiatry, group sessions, lots of blogging, endless tears, screaming, fighting, anti depressants, and lots of conversations but I made it through. That to me is a testament. A testament of who I really am and who I want to be.

Sad Moments

This morning I had my first post Caleb breakdown. I've been pretty good at keeping it together these past 5 days. Too overwhelmed with joy and sleepiness to really focus on any of the negatives. But this morning it was just too much and I had to let it out. I started thinking about everything. How he's still not 100% safe, how anything bad could still go wrong; what if something happens to me and hubby; what if something happens to Abby; why isn't Blaine here with us? I started thinking about the things that I didn't like about his birth like how my sister and sister in law both announced his arrival and shared his photo even before we left the hospital. That was really disappointing for me. I've been the one (and hubby) waiting desperately for his arrival. I should have been the one that got to announce him and share his first photo. They basically stole that from me. And if it were another baby I probably wouldn't let it bother me but this is OUR rainbow. We're the ones that went through the grief and the loss and still go through it everyday. As far as I'm concerned no one else has any claims on my son but us three. I know I can't let things like that get to me. I am truly blessed to have my boy home but I'm still bitter about how things were handled regarding Blaine. I guess that's family right? Everyone has family issues and sometimes you just have to suck it up and move on.

I'm missing Blaine a lot now. It doesn't help that my necklace broke and I can't wear his pendant right now until I get it fixed. I remembered this dream the other day and it made me wonder if I had been dreaming about Blaine and Caleb. Caleb is exactly how I pictured him, brown hair and blue eyes, just like the boy Blaine and I were playing hide and seek with in the dream. Abby asked me what Blaine looked like yesterday and if he had Daddy's nose or Mommy's nose. Things like that keep popping into my mind and I can't wait to find out one day.