Right Where I Am: 1 year, 1 month, 22 days later

This post is part of a project started by Angie at Still Life with Circles, the one where you talk about right where you are in your grief and what it is like now, so new people can get an idea of the experience of grief further down the road, and so people further down the road can reflect on how far they have come in their grief.

Where am I? I'm now at a place of acceptance. I've accepted the fact that my child died. That my family will miss out on all of the things we should have gotten to do with Blaine. I've accepted that at least in this Earthly life I am a member of the Dead Baby Club. It sucks, everyday I feel the unfairness of it all but it is our reality.

Where am I? I'm not at a place where I can forgive and forget yet. I'm still bitter about some things. I'm still fiercely determined to have my sons brief yet beautiful life recognized by everyone around me, at least everyone who is an integral part of our life. I still love getting photo's of his name or anything else that shows that someone thought of him without me having to ask. I still love to hear his name on a TV show or read it in a book. To me that name is precious music.

Where am I? I am enjoying my Rainbow. I was blessed to get pregnant quickly after losing Blaine and have welcomed our second son into the world. I feel so much happiness and joy. I am still a nervous wreck and worry that at any minute I could lose another one of my children. I am however, trying to be more relaxed and trusting. With the arrival of the Rainbow comes new grief and new "why's." Just this morning I stood in the shower massaging my breasts and had a flashback to when Blaine was born. As a sick joke mother nature decided I needed to produce milk. My breasts leaked and swelled up but there was no baby to feed. I remember standing in the shower expressing some milk to relieve the pain and bawling, bawling, ugly cry. This morning brought a flashback and once again I stood in the shower crying, remembering how much it hurt physically and emotionally. There are still lots of moments like that even after all this time. Moments where I'm crippled with a memory or guilt over something I wish I had done differently.

Where am I? I think spiritually, emotionally and physically I am a much stronger person. I have a clearer sense of what my priorities are now. I know exactly what I want and don't want in my family's life. I am much more the mother lioness. I will protect them at any cost because I know now what it feels like to lose a member. I've grown a lot over this past year. I've made some great new friends, sisters who I cherish. I have fallen in love with my husband over and over again. I have watched my daughter love and honour her little brother in a way I that overwhelmes me with love for her and her little soul. I am more loyal, more trusting of people (never thought I'd make a friend online and yet here I am) and more open about myself. There is an expression that when you have a child you make the decision to forever wear your heart outside of your body. I think when you lose a child one of the best decisions you can make is to expose your very heart and soul to others. A group praying and sharing together is a powerful healing force.

This past year, month and 22 days have been a scrambler of emotion. So many high highs and very low lows. Most importantly I survived it. It may have taken therapy, psychiatry, group sessions, lots of blogging, endless tears, screaming, fighting, anti depressants, and lots of conversations but I made it through. That to me is a testament. A testament of who I really am and who I want to be.