Happy Resurrection Day!!

This is the day.  The epitome of our faith.  If we didn't have today we would be like every other religion.  Because of today we grieve but it is not a hopeless grief.  I do not need to wonder where Blaine is or what happened to him when his heart stopped.  Because of today I know.  Because of today I will hold him and love him and hear him call me Momma. 

He is risen, He is risen!! 

Abby and I were talking about Heaven today and what we think is being done up there to prepare for our arrival.  We both agreed that Blaine must be very skilled at something.  Maybe he's a great painter or carpenter or landscaper.  That's why he was needed so soon, why he didn't have time for an earthly stopover.  Abby says he's probably getting the pool ready at our house! 

So Happy Resurrection Day to all of you.  Even though your babies are not in your arms I hope you take comfort in knowing that they will be one day.

From Jesus' Burial by Max Lucado

But then, Sunday arrives. And with Sunday comes light—a light within the tomb. A bright light? A soft light? Flashing? Hovering? We don’t know. But there was a light. For he is the light. And with the light came life. Just as the darkness was banished, now the decay is reversed. Heaven blows and Jesus breathes. His chest expands. Waxy lips open. Wooden fingers lift. Heart valves swish and hinged joints bend.


And, as we envision the moment, we stand in awe.


We stand in awe not just because of what we see, but because of what we know… We know that when Jesus was raised from the dead it was a signal of the end of death-as-the-end. Never again will death have the last word. When Jesus died, he took sin down with him, but alive he brings God down to us” (Rom. 6:5–9 MSG).

Merry Christmas

A couple of days late.  I've been catching up today on the blogs I follow.  I'm glad to hear there were lots of peaceful and joy filled Christmases out there.    Sad to hear of so many families still without a rainbow, or worse, missing multiple children this year.

Here is a photo of a candle that my friend Dana lit in memory of Blaine....and below it a poem I came across

We had a pretty good Christmas.  It was a very toned down year.  I didn't go out and spend the money I usually spend.  I've decided I don't want to make Christmas a time of excess for the kids.  I want them to learn the true meaning of giving not getting.  And I want to create family traditions outside of just opening presents.  This year was a good start and no one seemed to care that I didn't spend thousands on presents...yes, I usually spend that much on presents.  Here is a photo of me and the kids...

Happy New Year to all!  I hope 2012 brings more joy, more love, more peace, more memories.

Missing Out

I'm feeling kind of lonely about the upcoming holiday events.  Where I once felt like I only fit in with my BLM's I now feel since I have a baby that I don't fit in there anymore.  There are two BLM events coming up and I'm not going to be able to attend either of them.  Neither of them are child friendly.  I am breastfeeding and pumping takes a lot of time and energy.  I can't always leave Caleb to go out.  Sunday I was supposed to go out and make holiday ornaments with the Face2Face group.  I can't though because I am going out Saturday and can't pump enough to leave Caleb both days.  Another group planned a candle lighting which I'd love to go to however, they've asked that no kids come.  A part of me completely understands that.  I imagine it must be really really hard for people who have no living children to be surrounded by babies and kids when they are trying to do something in memory of the child(ren) they lost.  A part of me is bitter about it though.  I don't know if bitter is the right word, maybe disappointed or feeling left out.  Abby remembers Blaine.  She heard his heartbeat, she felt him kick.  She wants to do things to mark his time with us and she can't.  Caleb is too young to understand this but I wanted him to grow up attending things so that one day it would just be normal to him.  And he can't.  I feel like my living kids aren't valued as much, their feelings, Abby's in particular, just aren't as important.  Again, I completely understand the other point of view but where does that leave families like mine?  We want to participate too.  We want to cherish and remember our babies.  There is one event coming up that is child friendly.  I didn't want to go because I totally disagree with the way the host organization is being run now.  It's all very political and I don't want anything to do with them.  But it is our only option for a family Christmas event for Blaine. 
I know this is probably going to sound incredibly selfish to some but I think both points of view are.  I agree it's selfish for me to want my kids included to spare mine and their feelings.  It's just one of those things that are brand new to me and I will have to figure out.  It just sucks because these things are the only time during the holidays that Blaine is going to be a part of the celebration.  Our families certainly aren't going to mention him, they didn't even do it last year. 

On a much lighter note, I just got an awesome gift from Amber, a bracelet with Blaine's name on it.  I love it!

Handmade Holiday Gift Exchange!

Day 30

Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday's and starting a new year)


I am getting together with some other Momma's to make decorations for our babies.  I will probably also buy Blaine a new ornament since we always buy Sissy a new one each year.  Other than that I'm not really preparing anything.  This is just life now. 

Father's Day and 30 Days of Questions - Day 6

Your Favourite Superhero and why? -

I don't have one. I'm not much into comic books and things like that. Can I say David from the Bible? Maybe not a typical superhero but he was super and was a hero. I think that counts for something, no? Why? Because he was so human, so very flawed. He made so many mistakes, big ones, like murder and adultery. He lied, cheated and stole to get his own way. And yet, he wrote the most beautiful poetry and was at times humble and gentle. He lost a son. He was so very flawed and yet God loved him so much. He made him king, inspired him to write the Psalms, made his lineage the very one that his own Son would be born from. How cool is that? If this lying, murdering, wife stealing, cheating, boy from nowhere can be favoured like that then there is hope isn't there?

Father's Day is tomorrow. We sent Daddy golfing today as his gift. I just picked up some cupcakes and Sissy has made him a card at school plus we bought some cards. She's already planning on signing her brothers (plural) names on the card. So sweet of her. My husband was a good Dad to Blaine in the short time we had him. He took care of me (more than usual) from the moment we found out we were pregnant. And I know how much he still misses his little slugger. I hope we can make it special for him and let him know that all three of his kids are lucky to have him.

Today

Today is pretty much what is to be expected. I woke up to a whiney little girl who didn't want to do anything, including give me my Mother's Day card. After a talk with both me and Daddy she settled down a bit. Daddy took her out to the grocery store and they came home and made me breakfast, smores pancakes! While they were out I let myself have a little cry for Blaine. Missing him as usual. I've spent the past couple of hours doing some scrapbooking. Had another little crying episode just now because I got out the scrapbook I've made of his name photos. It's a travel scrapbook and I've put the label on the front that says "Wish You Were Here." That set me off because it's just so unfair that I can't have all 3 of my kids with me. I want Abby and Blaine and Caleb. My ABC's. It's just so unfair. That's really the best word I can come up with right now. I wish he was here.

"I'll never forget the night they came to tell me that you'd be gone, I wondered where the light would come from now to carry on." Jim Cuddy, Second Son

Funny how that song reminds me of both my boys. They both almost seem like the second son. But then again everything still makes me think of Blaine.

Mother's Day and Other Ramblings

I read "Heaven is for Real" yesterday. Yes, the whole book. It was that good (and small). I've decided to put the cynic in me aside and believe it. I got chills at some parts, especially looking at the photo of what very well could be the face of Jesus. I barely got through chapter 17. It was just so believable and so moving. I love the description of Colton meeting his sister, the one he never knew he had. The one that had died in Mommy's tummy. I loved the way she didn't have a name because they hadn't named her and the way God had adopted her to be his own. Sometimes we have to take a leap of faith and I've decided that I'm doing that with this book. After all Colton does keep reminding us that Jesus really really loves children, so why wouldn't he choose one to be a witness for our generation?




Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I remember last Mother's Day was so strange. I had my Abby so I got my gifts and cards and breakfast in bed. But I was missing my boy. I desperately wished for my hubby to get me a card or something from Blaine but he didn't. I'm sure he thought about it but didn't know if it would upset me. I missed Blaine so much on Mother's Day because it reminded me that I would always have one child missing. I would always be a Mom incomplete. Every special event is tough but to label a day just for Mom's and then to be a Mom with your baby gone just makes this one a little worse. Not quite as bad as Christmas but almost. I saved one of the roses I got last year and dried it and put it with Blaine's things. Just to remind myself that he was here with me in spirit and regardless of the fact that I'll never get a homemade card or potted flower from him or poem with his handprints on it, he is still my boy. I know wherever he is he is loving his Momma. That has to be enough for now. It shouldn't be and really isn't but it has to be.




Here is a nice poem I have with Blaine's things:

A Mother's Day Ode by Susan Mosquera

I am your mother, but you, my child, I cannot hold
It'll get easier with time, or so I'm told
People may forget that I am your mother
I'm part of a secret club we only share with one another
But that doesn't diminish my love for you
I think of you the whole day through
I wonder what you're doing, my Precious Little One
We are connected by an infinite bond, which cannot be undone
I will not let death tear us apart
I promise to always keep you alive in my heart

Happy Mother's Day to all of you.

Now and Then

This is me last Easter. It's strange because of the difference in the day Easter falls on. Even though Blaine's been gone more than a year now. Last Easter I was still pregnant. This is actually one of the only two photos I have of me pregnant with Blaine. Abby and I lived in the park that weekend. And it was the first weekend the ice cream shop was open so we were there too. I remember thinking how we'd spend A LOT of time at the shop during the summer, me getting nice and fat with baby. Blaine was already Blaine in my heart and mind. We forgot that the stores weren't open on Sunday and ended up with no Easter dinner. I had the Monday off work though and Abby had the Monday off school so we made our family dinner then. I was craving mashed potatoes and gravy almost everyday at that point. I had a doctors appt that Monday and Abby accompanied me. We listened to Blaine's heartbeat. It was strong and beautiful and we were so excited. A week later I was in the hospital.
This Easter has been rough because of all of the remembering. You really can't shake the "last year at this time" feeling. Abby and I are getting ready to head over to the park. We may hit the ice cream shop. We're having our dinner tonight and coincidentally I have a doctors appt again tomorrow. Abby will be off school and will come and listen to Caleb's heartbeat with me. At least if I end up in the hospital next weekend the baby will make it (or so I pray).

Residual Bitterness

I though I had pretty much overcome all of the anger and bitterness I had surrounding Blaine's loss. Pause, I hate the word loss. Abby actually thought we had "lost" a baby because technically that's what the word means. I didn't lose him. He also didn't "die." I use the term "dead" baby but it's really false because to me he isn't dead. He is very much alive he just isn't here. But anyways, that's off topic. After Blaine left us I was pretty bitter about some things and I thought I had moved on from all of that. There's been a lot of recent posts on other mom's blogs and FB about unsupportive family and friends and about people forgetting or ignoring after a certain amount of time passes. Reading these have made me realize that I'm still bitter about that too. Especially now that I'm pregnant and hearing all of the well wishes certain people have for this baby. There are people who are expecting to be a part of the lives of my living children. I wish I could put a big sign up saying "guess what, if you didn't celebrate the life of the one that died, you don't get to be part of the living!" As bad as it sounds I want my living kids to know exactly who loved their brother and who could have cared less. I don't want them to be bitter and hateful about it but I want them to know who was there and who wasn't. Who couldn't be bothered to say "sorry for your loss" even. I will never forget the people who stepped up in my life and supported me one hundred percent. And I will also never forget the people who just looked away because they were too uncomfortable or just didn't care enough. I know you should forgive and forget and I will forgive but I won't forget. And I will find a way, even if it means renting a billboard!, to let these people know that they weren't there for Blaine so guess what, you don't get to be there for Caleb either. I think that's the last of my residual bitterness. I'm pretty accepting of everything else that has happened.
I've decided I have to send out some Valentine cards on Blaine's behalf. I bought cards for Abby to take to daycare and school and I was a little broken hearted thinking he wouldn't get to send out cards. He'll never have that cute little girl in his class that he's a little shy to give a card to. He'll never bring home a homemade envelope full of cards from all his friends and teachers. I have to do these things for him. Like everything else really, it will be on his behalf, from his loving Momma.

Rest from the Holidays

Today I think everything caught up with me. The hustle and bustle that has been my past week. I haven't slept too much these past couple of days because Abby has a bad cough and cold. I've had to do way too much housekeeping for my liking! And then there's the emotions of it all. Today it all caught up and I spent until about 1:30pm on the couch. Me on one end and my daughter on the other watching hours of stupid cartoons. Finally I dragged us up and we went for a walk and now I'm making leftovers into a stew. I'm feeling a little bitter today. It boggles my mind that I can spend all of Christmas day with people, "family" and they don't once mention Blaine. And all of the next day with my "family" and they can't mention him. The more I think about it the more I'm just disgusted with all of them. My in laws and my family. I guess once someone's been cremated they're out of the family. I don't even think I was expecting anything better or more. So, I really shouldn't be all that surprised. At least today I got to wallow and rest. To take the time to just reflect on what the past week has been and what it should have been. I will be glad for this year to be over. I have this whole speech prepared for them all once I give birth to Caleb. How I'm going to tell them that I want them to spend only the amount of energy and thought on Caleb as they did on Blaine. How they get to see Caleb as often as they mentioned Blaine. I know that sounds really unfair and bitter.
Today I got some bad news about a family friend. I wasn't even aware she was pregnant. But she is about 3 months pregnant with twins and they have died. She hasn't delivered them yet. We all know what an incredibly hard time she must be going through right now. Please say a prayer for her. That medically she will soon be past this and that emotionally she can find some peace with it.

Christmas

Christmas was not too bad. I think I was just so busy that I didn't have time to dwell on any of the negative. Not surprisingly no one mentioned Blaine or what was missing. Everyone was too wrapped up in what they got for Christmas or what the living kids were doing. That is everyone except Big Sis. She knows Christmas is Jesus birthday and she wondered if Blaine was at the birthday party and what they were doing. I said he's probably eating a really big piece of cake with lots of chocolate icing (a corner piece no doubt) and she replied "do you think he'll send me a piece?" lol How easy it is for kids to just take what you say as matter of fact. She and I talked about Blaine throughout the weekend. I know Daddy was thinking about him too. For Daddy's family, who we spent Christmas Day with, the day is mostly about what kind of presents they get. They're not believers and they are materialistic. So, it's all about money and toys. At my Mom's house yesterday I napped most of the afternoon, my sister came by with the kids and we all had dinner together. I loved playing with my nieces...even the baby. I held that baby most of the night. I spiked her hair up and I could see the way Daddy was looking at me. The look in his eyes like he was thinking what I was thinking, should have been Blaine on my lap. There were some sad moments like that but all in all it was peaceful. Big Sis was sick on Christmas Day and I was doing all of the cooking so I kept busy. Papa came for the weekend and brought a baby hat, sweater and blanket that our Aunt knit. She actually knit if for Blaine but no one told me. She never mentioned it until we got pregnant with Caleb. Now it will be for Caleb. I'm okay with that. Since, I never knew it was Blaine's it doesn't really belong to him. It coincidentally is a really nice shade of yellow. Caleb will look so cute in it. So, Christmas is over for another year. Thanks to everyone who sent us cards and notes. They were much appreciated.

Ouch Moments

Today I did the majority of my Christmas shopping. Yes, I take time off work to shop! I avoided anything to do with "Baby's First Christmas" and stuck to my list. I only snuck one little peek into the baby section of the store. I was doing fine. Got everything I wanted for my daughter and hubby. Got my mom's gift. Just have three more things to pick up and I'm done!! Then I was walking through this one store. I'm not normally a label person but there's one brand of sports clothes that I like, you know the kind Sue wears on Glee?!?! My favourite brand. There was a whole rack of cute little jogging suits for baby boys in this store. I teared up a little because trust me Blaine would have had the red and the blue set under the tree! I almost thought to buy one for Monkey but what if I'm wrong and Monkey is a girl. Daddy's not going to let her wear a boy's jogging suit around. I know it probably sounds silly but things like that I am missing out on and it makes me sad. I'm not one of those people who think Christmas is just about gifts but I do like to spoil my kid and I would have spoiled Blaine too. Even at just 4 months he would have had a full stocking and lots of gifts. I would have snuck him a little taste of mashed potatoes and maybe some cranberry sauce or bread pudding. He's be staring googly eyed at the dancing lights on the Christmas tree. He would have looked really cute in that blue jogging suit!!
So, my cousin who is having a boy and agreed to give him Blaine as a middle name has retracted her agreement. I'm a little bitter. She said she agreed because she didn't want to hurt my feelings but already had a name picked out. WHATEVER! I was planning a preggo girl get together at the spa with her and a friend of mine but now I kind of want to forget about going with her and just go with my friend. I know that sounds childish and I understand her agreeing to spare my feelings but once you agree to something like that you can't go back on it. It would be as much an honour for HER SON to be named after one of my children as it would be for me.
Anyways, I've had some ouch moments this week but in general I'm feeling pretty good about the holidays and the Monkey.

Swirling Emotions

These past few days have been really emotional for me. I've been on the verge of tears since the candle lighting on Wednesday night. And I've had a couple of moments of bitterness. I was just restruck with the unfairness of it all. It's unfair that instead of buying Blaine presents this year I am lighting a candle in his memory. It's unfair that I have to watch some piece of trash on the subway screaming at her two little boys while I wear mine in a pendant around my neck. I feel lonely. I feel anxious. I can always tell when it's a bad week by my anxiety levels. I had a panic attack on the way to work on Tuesday. I cried at my desk on Wednesday, something which is not easy to do since we all sit right beside each other in little pods without walls so everyone can see what everyone else is doing. So I basically have to pretend I'm rummaging in my drawer for something and wipe my tears away so the guy beside me doesn't freak out that I'm crying. He already worries too much about me. I had irrational fears of something happening to Abby on Thursday and Friday. I am great at catastrophizing as the therapist used to tell me. As excited as I am about Christmas and the new baby I think the emotions of it all have finally gotten to me. I'm just exhausted by the ups and downs. The excitement mingled with fear, anxiety, love, grief, bitterness, joy. It's amazing how you can feel an entire kaleidoscope of emotion all at the same time. The problem with that is it takes a physical toll on you. Your mind can't handle all of those feelings at once. It's not "normal."
Tonight we're headed to a baby shower which I'm actually okay with. The first time I saw this woman pregnant it was pretty tough because she was at 17 weeks and innocently thinking her baby was safe. But I'm okay with it now and I don't think I'm going to have any issues at the shower.
Found out by text the other day that my cousin is having a boy. I was a little sad and teared up, not because I wish she weren't having a boy but because my first thought was how nice it was to find out and how I didn't know for sure that Blaine was a boy until he was dead. I asked her if she would give her boy the name Blaine as a middle name and she agreed! That means a lot to me, his name will live on in our family and one day I will tell his little cousin who he is named after. It's the little things like that that are the most precious to me now. I will never be able to express to her how much it means to me that she agreed to do that.

Rambling

Nothing is better than a lazy Saturday. I love them. Taking Abby to karate and then coming home, relaxing, maybe some cleaning, some internet time, some tea or coffee and maybe a pastry from the bakery. Nothing to do but relax and enjoy the day off work.
Tomorrow we are decorating our place for Christmas. I love Christmas which is why I will probably mention it everyday until the 28th! I can't wait to decorate and watch Abby putting the ornaments on the tree. We went to a craft sale and she picked out a homemade butterfly ornament for Blaine. We wrote his name on it. I'm glad I get to involve her in these things. It's comforting to see her remembering him and talking about him. I know she will carry him with her for all of her life.
At karate today there was a new little guy in class and him and his mom were playing before class started. It broke my heart a little because I would love to be playing and cuddling with Blaine, chasing him around, tickling him and twirling him in the air. I know one day I will get to but it doesn't seem soon enough. Believing in heaven makes things much easier but it seems so far away sometimes.
This post is everywhere but that's my head these days. I am everywhere and feeling everything. Blogs are a mixed bag because I am a mixed bag.
Tomorrow is my birthday so hubby and I are shipping Abby off to Grandmas and spending a quiet evening together. This might be TMI but we haven't "you know" since I found out I was pregnant. I'm terrified we'll pop something. I know that sounds extremely paranoid but I feel like I need to keep that area specifically for the baby right now. So, that leaves me feeling very self conscious and my self esteem is kind of taking a hit. I'm really fat right now. I'm not "you knowing" with him. I feel like I'm a horrible wife right now but for the immediate present I need to be all about me.
So, I am rambling. Sometimes you got to!
I hope she doesn't mind me doing this but I'm asking anyone reading this to please stop for a minute and say a prayer for my BLM friend Dana. She is having a rough time right now and my heart is broken for her. If you've read this post please stop right now and pray for her. Let our prayers send Jesus himself to her to surround her with love and hugs.

Untitled

Haven't written since Tuesday. My mind is just full up of stuff right now. I have so many thoughts and emotions swirling around me. As I approach 17 weeks with this pregnancy I am increasingly anxious. Every pain, every cramp makes me worry. Sadly the only peace of mind I've been able to come to is that if the baby does die I know it will not crush me. I know I am strong enough to survive it. So, I am waiting. Blaine was born the day before my wedding anniversary. My birthday is on the 28th so I have this fear that I will lose this baby around my birthday. That another special day this year will be tarnished. I tell myself I will feel better after my u/s this afternoon. But really that will only give me peace for a week or two. I know if the results are positive then at least my cervix is good for another couple of weeks. Then I will go into anxiety mode again. I want to go to my appt with Dr. Sasquatch tomorrow and have him tell me that everything is going to be alright and that this time around there is a 100% chance the baby will live.
Saturday I went to do some Christmas shopping with my mom and sister. They just opened up a really cute kids clothing store. It is a BLM nightmare. As soon as you walk in down the main aisle is all of the cutesy "Baby's First Christmas" and "Santa's Favourite" crap. Then I turn to my right and it's the baby boy section. I, being a masochist, had to have a closer look. I drooled over the "Mommy's Little Monster," "No Girls Allowed (except Mommy)" and "Little Bro" shirts. I would have bought Blaine one of each. I could barely breath. But I kept it together because my mom and sister and daughter were loving the place. I bought my newest niece a cute little outfit and my daughter some hairbands. And then I did something totally wacky. I bought something for the little bean (who I now call my little monkey). I bought him a very soft little blankie to come home in and I bought him a little stuffed monkey. I am convinced now I'm having a boy although as long as they come home alive I don't really care. So, the little monkey now has stuff. They have stuff to come home to. It made me feel a little better to do that. I kept it together until later on in the evening and then I cried. I cried because my mom bought my niece a baby's first Christmas shirt. And not Blaine. Not that I expected her to buy a shirt for a dead baby but I expect that he should be here to wear the shirt! I know Christmas will be tough. My in laws are coming here Christmas day. They won't mention him. They never have. Not even to say "sorry you lost your baby." The only emotion they handle well is anger. And that's fine. I will have time in the morning with my husband and in the evening to think of Blaine and talk about him. I know my mom will most likely say something when we go over there boxing day. And I know my sister still thinks of him. That's enough for me. As long as the people who would have been important to him still care that is enough. Everyone else can go about their lives and holidays. We will find a way to remember him and keep him in the celebration.

Update

I've been taking an internet break. I had two somewhat scary moments with this pregnancy and since I am a googler I decided to just steer clear of the computer.
First, and this is related to Blaine. I have been referred to a high risk specialist OBGYN. So, I now have my family doctor, a nurse, my regular OBGYN, my psychiatrist and a specialist working on me! We discussed maybe needing a consult with a high risk and I requested Dr. Sasquatch. For those of you who haven't read Blaine's story, Dr. S was the Dr in the E.R. in April when we gave birth to Blaine. He has really big hands. I'm nervous about two things, 1. will he want to do an internal exam with those sasquatch hands? and 2. how am I going to feel seeing him? I haven't seen him since that day. I requested him because he is very caring and took the time to follow up on me after I went home. I know I can trust him. But I am scared to see him. Sometimes when I go to the doctor I go to the hallway where his office is and look at his name on the wall. Yes, kind of like stalking him. But he is connected to my son. He is one of the few people who held him (that I know of anyway). Now I have to sit and have a conversation with him and wonder the entire time if he remembers Blaine. Probably not given the sheer number of dead babies out there.
Secondly, I got a bladder infection. I'm sure there's tons of stories out there of women getting b.i. and miscarrying. So, I steared clear of google.
I am still in a good place but have been sad and missing my boy. With Christmas approaching it's bringing up a lot of emotions. It's going to be a tough time and I'm debating several things like should I buy B a gift of some kind? Should I buy Big Sis something from B? How can I remember him? Lot's to figure out in about 6 weeks.
I made the mistake of joining a message board this pregnancy. I am overwhelmed by all of the stupid first time moms. I hate them and reading about all of their stupid concerns. "will I get stretch marks" "will my boobs sag" or calling the first movements of the baby "annoying tickles" how about this
"will my baby die" "will my baby stop breathing before my next dr appt" or "boy, I'm glad I felt the baby moving early on since it died"
I hate message boards.

Costumes

Oh Halloween, I love you. I have always loved Halloween. Partly because I love love love chocolate. I would have married chocolate if you could make babies with it. And I love free chocolate even more! Halloween is also the gateway to Christmas, my favourite!! And yes, in my family that's "CHRIST" MAS not "the holidays." I can't really justify shopping for Christmas ornaments or decorating until after Halloween is over. But come November 1st, it's on like donkey kong! I used to love dressing up when I was a kid. And we'd go out for hours and fill pillow cases with junk food. One year my Dad was really into it for some reason (or just trying to wear us out) and we walked what must have been miles. I think at one point we were actually begging to go home. And then I got older and went through the stage where Halloween was an excuse to get drunk and dress like a slut. I went as a "sexy witch" one year, a "Catholic school girl" the next. Ultimate debauchery...jello shots instead of candy. And now I'm a mom and Halloween is back to long walks in the fall air and lots of candy. I love dressing up my daughter, I have every year since she was born, even the first Halloween when she was too little to do anything. She was still forced into a caterpillar costume for photos. Most years she has more than one costume, this year she was sleeping beauty at daycare, Princess Tiana at karate and tomorrow she will be bugs bunny. I don't dress up anymore. Gone are the days when I enjoyed a big party and adult costumes are pretty pricey. But this year I have decided to dress up. Tomorrow when I take my daughter trick or treating I am going to dress up as a non BLM, a mother without a dead baby. I am going to smile at the babies in the strollers dressed up like pumpkins and butterflies. I will not cringe when a blue eyed boy runs past me. I will wear a huge smile on my face, I will kick at the leaves and run from house to house with my daughter. My husband will take photos of his ladies and I will have a genuine look of happiness on my face. There will be no tears for the missing piece. I will forget that our family is incomplete. That there should be a chubby little pumpkin in a carrier sleeping against my chest. We will go out for hot chocolate afterwards and talk about the houses that were decorated and how scary some things were. No one will look at me and think I have a longing in my eyes. I will not stare off into the distance daydreaming about all of the oohs and aahs my little Blaine would have gotten for being just too darn cute. Tomorrow I will put on the costume of a normal, healthy, strong, mother who doesn't know what it's like to give birth to death. Happy Halloween.