I'm feeling kind of lonely about the upcoming holiday events. Where I once felt like I only fit in with my BLM's I now feel since I have a baby that I don't fit in there anymore. There are two BLM events coming up and I'm not going to be able to attend either of them. Neither of them are child friendly. I am breastfeeding and pumping takes a lot of time and energy. I can't always leave Caleb to go out. Sunday I was supposed to go out and make holiday ornaments with the Face2Face group. I can't though because I am going out Saturday and can't pump enough to leave Caleb both days. Another group planned a candle lighting which I'd love to go to however, they've asked that no kids come. A part of me completely understands that. I imagine it must be really really hard for people who have no living children to be surrounded by babies and kids when they are trying to do something in memory of the child(ren) they lost. A part of me is bitter about it though. I don't know if bitter is the right word, maybe disappointed or feeling left out. Abby remembers Blaine. She heard his heartbeat, she felt him kick. She wants to do things to mark his time with us and she can't. Caleb is too young to understand this but I wanted him to grow up attending things so that one day it would just be normal to him. And he can't. I feel like my living kids aren't valued as much, their feelings, Abby's in particular, just aren't as important. Again, I completely understand the other point of view but where does that leave families like mine? We want to participate too. We want to cherish and remember our babies. There is one event coming up that is child friendly. I didn't want to go because I totally disagree with the way the host organization is being run now. It's all very political and I don't want anything to do with them. But it is our only option for a family Christmas event for Blaine.
I know this is probably going to sound incredibly selfish to some but I think both points of view are. I agree it's selfish for me to want my kids included to spare mine and their feelings. It's just one of those things that are brand new to me and I will have to figure out. It just sucks because these things are the only time during the holidays that Blaine is going to be a part of the celebration. Our families certainly aren't going to mention him, they didn't even do it last year.
On a much lighter note, I just got an awesome gift from Amber, a bracelet with Blaine's name on it. I love it!
3 comments:
I imagine it is hard. Just because you have living children doesn't meant that you miss the child you lost any less than those who don't have living children.
I feel bad that any babyloss family is excluded. I understand why they are doing it, but it would be nice if there was another service/get together for those with living children.
I'll miss seeing you at the events. I was going to give your book back to you there. We should get together for dinner again soon!
I know what you mean.
Personally, I won't go to any babyloss event unless I can bring my kids. Loss has affected their lives too even if they small.
This is so challenging.
I know I've found myself in a new place now that I'm parenting a living child after a loss. Life is so different with Allie here, but of course Acacia is always with me... They're my children and I'd like for both of them to be integrated into my life as much as possible. Going to BLM events with Allie will be so meaningful when I finally go to something. I can understand why an event would ask to leave children at home, and yet, that wouldn't feel right to me either. I keep imaging a place/agency/gatherings that meets so many needs - a group that meets with only parents after they've had a loss, then a pregnancy after loss group, and then a parenting after loss group.
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