18 Months of Change

wow.  Yesterday was 18 months since Blaine left earth.  18 months.  It seems like such a short time and like forever, all at once.  A whole year and a half has passed and I found myself doing a lot of reflection yesterday.  The person I was and am now.  I am more sensitive now, softer.  It may not seem that way when I'm having a bitter rant but it's true.  I'm more self conscious now.  I don't fully trust myself, my decisions, my body, the way I used to.  I've always been logical, realistic, sometimes even cold (at least my mother says I'm cold), able to turn off my emotions (at least to those who don't know me).  But now I find I am even more of these things.  I have no naivete left in me.  Even though I feel more emotions now and more love for so many people I am also much more capable of outwardly turning that all off when I feel I need to protect it.  I've learnt a lot about life, love, heartache, friendship, family, values, God, myself, and a host of other things.  I would never say I'm glad I lost Blaine but I am glad I am who I am now.  I am glad for the lessons I've been taught.  As much as we never want to say "God has a plan" or "There's a reason for the pain" and I would certainly never say that to someone who just lost a child, in my case it was true.  I feel I have more purpose now.  I'm a better mother, wife, friend.  I can't honestly say I appreciate everyday and never complain but I am now looking at my life through glasses of gratitude.  I'll be 33 years old next month and I feel I learnt a whole lifetime of lessons in 18 months.

Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel.


We have a memory box for Blaine's things.  I have some scrapbook pages.  I blog about him (obviously).  I make sure that when it counts he is counted.