One Year

Yesterday was one of the darker days. I went from being incredibly sad and bitter to being so grateful that I couldn't put Caleb down. I think he must have gotten a hundred extra kisses yesterday. I felt much better by bedtime but that sense of unfairness and pain and loss continues.
I watched the movie Rabbit Hole last night. It was really good. I felt the emotions were honest and the way the characters interacted with their families and friends was honest. I think I'll have to watch it again when I'm more awake since I was half asleep last night. I have totally been where the mother character was when she slapped the woman in the grocery store. I've never done it but have pictured myself doing it a dozen times.
Today is an anniversary of sorts. One year ago today I carried Blaine's ashes home from the funeral home. I carried them down the street wrapped up tightly. I remember the feeling I had when I got home and couldn't wait to see them and feel them. I took them out of the green plastic bag, then out of the green velvet bag, then unwrapped the brown construction paper, opened the brown cardboard box, pried open the black box which is some kind of heavy duty plastic material and then took out the plastic bag. Yes, a plastic bag, and not even a ziploc, a twist tie. I still remember how I felt smelling the ashes, touching them and looking at all of the different pieces. I still have that same feeling when I look at them. I can't believe that was last year. Time goes way too fast.