UGH!

For the first time since the day I lost Blaine I am truly angry with God. Yes I believe He exists. I can't, after growing a child in me and giving birth and watching them grow, sum it all up to some random big bang. It is not the existence that I struggle with it's the whole love thing. God loves us, the Bible says so right? So why is life so desparetely unfair? This is my FB status right now:

"Dear God: why is it that any 14 yr old slutty high school dropout can go on welfare and pop out a dozen kids but people who truly deserve to be mother's have such a difficult time? God, you are not on my friends list today. "

Why am I so angry today? A dear BLM friend of mine has not only just lost her 4th baby but also her 5th, finding out that she was having twins. I prayed everyday for her. What was the point? What is the point of praying if it goes unanswered? How can I believe that God really cares about us and is involved in our lives when the best people I know have the hardest time? I know more than a few people who should NOT be parents. They're irresponsible, abusive and negligent. They treat their kids like accessories or worse, servants. Only being parents when it suits them or it's a photo op. They have kids for all the wrong reasons and then take it out on the kids when it gets tough. How is that fair? Why were those kids given to those horrible people? If I decided to drop out of high school, go on welfare and pop out some kids, Blaine probably wouldn't have died. I'd easily have 4 or 5 kids from all different fathers and let the government take care of them. Then there's a wonderful person who does it all right. She finishes school, gets a good job, marries, goes to church, prays and nothing.

I'm pretty bitter right now.