I was watching a silly sci fi movie and the female lead was preggo and I kept thinking "the stress of this is going to cause her to lose the baby" and then at one point an alien grabs her and I thought "there the baby is dead now."
Pre Blaine if I saw someone staring at Abby on the subway or something I would automatically think "pedophile." Now I automatically think "did they lose a little girl?"
On the bus Tuesday there was a woman and she kept looking at us and then I saw her wipe a tear from her eye. She was maybe mid 50's and I found myself wondering how many babies she had lost.
Usually once an hour, if not more, I find myself thinking of Blaine, of the other babies I know of, of my BLM sisters, of pregnancy and loss in general. It is never far from my mind or heart and therefore many of my thoughts are these random wanderings about loss and grief. A friend of mine counselled me after I returned to work that this grief and loss would "always be a scratch away from the surface." I may return to somewhat normal living and seem like I've got it together but it is always there. Always at the surface, just a scratch away. It makes me wonder if I will ever go a waking hour without having a thought or a pause. I actually kind of hope not.
2 comments:
It's a new kind of life we lead. It just changes everything. I wonder what people think if they catch me staring at the belly or their baby. Do they think I'm staring at the baby because the baby is so cute. That isn't it. I'm wondering how close in age Jacob would be to the baby, what it would be like to take care of a baby that age. What it would be like to have a living baby period. Sometimes I wonder if they have had a baby die and this is their rainbow.
I'm wondering what that woman on the bus has gone through. Sometimes I just want to have a sign on me, identifying me as a baby loss Mom. When I'm pregnant again, I wonder how many people will see my belly and feel badly and not have any idea of the hell I've been through. I wonder how many people saw me and felt that way when I was pregnant with Jacob.
I like what your coworker said. Such a short sentence, but so insightful. I find it hard to believe that we will ever go an hour without a thought or a pause, and I also hope that I don't.
Your co-worker described it perfectly. I think we will always think of things from the perspective of BLMs. It's just part of the package and the journey.
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