Work Wrap up

I'm sitting here at work, not working but waiting for hubby to come get me. He's nice like that. One less subway trip for me! I otherwise wouldn't be staying until five on my second last day. I've actually been feeling a bit "better" these past two days. Sometimes just having the meltdown can help. Just knowing that in a couple of more days I don't have to "fake" through life anymore helps. I will miss some of the people here though. There are really good people here who have cared for me this past year. The guy beside me who worries about me whenever I'm late or off for the day. I basically have to tell him my schedule so he doesn't think the worst when I'm not here at 9am. The girls who took me to lunch or out for a drink and offered their ears and shoulders. A friend who gave me a beautiful card and gift when we found out we were expecting Caleb, to keep me thinking positively, eye on the prize. The guy that stood in front of me my first day back after Blaine with tears in his eyes getting me all caught up on what I missed. Most people never directly said anything about it but they did things to show that they cared and they were thinking of me. That has meant so much. This pregnancy has really made me the centre of attention, which I don't mind saying I like!, and I know they're rooting for me and our boy. While I'm soo soo soo excited to be taking the year off I will miss these people.

My View of Heaven

Today I have been thinking a lot about what Blaine's life is like in Heaven. I don't question the existence of God or Heaven at all. As a BLM what would I do if I did? What would be the point if I weren't going to see him again one day? I like to think of Blaine as waiting for me, visiting me from time to time, preparing for my homecoming. On the other hand though I like to think that Heaven is on a different timeline than here, like when you fall asleep and wake up you don't realize how much time has passed. So, in Heaven I am already there and we are already together. There is no waiting. When you get there you have always and will always be there. I picture it a lot like in the end of the Chronicles of Narnia. We'll have houses and live like we do here, it'll just be perfect and God will be there, accessible. Before Blaine when I pictured myself in Heaven I would always be fishing with Jesus or something. Now I can't picture myself doing anything but holding my boy. Four more days of work. Today was stressful. I'm trying to take it easy and keep in mind that whatever happens when I'm gone is not my responsibility. But the hard worker in me sees all of the things that are going to go horribly wrong!

A Good Day

Today was a great day. I have been on the fence about my decision to leave work 6 weeks before Caleb's due date. Part of me thinks I should work longer to maximize my time with him. I was off work today though and realized that I cannot wait to be done. I wish I didn't have to go back at all! It was definitely the right decision. I am so much more relaxed and was able to just enjoy the day with my daughter and think about Caleb. I let her play hookie and we ran a bunch of errands. I have a negative blood type so I had to go to the hospital this morning and have a blood test done to make sure I wasn't producing harmful antibodies. The test takes three hours so while I waited we went to the library and then to my doctors appt. My dr's appt went perfect. Caleb is measuring at just the right size and his heartbeat was strong. I teared up when she told me that because I immediately thought "so was Blaine's." Then we were back over to the hospital and the results of my blood test were also perfect. I registered for my room at the hospital for when I'm in labour. I'm all set! Then I took sissy and we went out for a special treat and to look for stuff for the baby shower. Weather wise today was crappy, grey, wet, icy. But my spirits were up and we had good girl time together. I haven't gotten enough girl time with her lately so it was well needed. Plus my work allows you to take more than 52 weeks anyway, I think it's 56 and I am taking the maximum whether I get paid or not. We are lucky to be able to afford me being off for 4 to 6 weeks without pay.
I got two books out of the library on natural childbirth and the "birth industry." I'm really determined to do things better this time around. No meds to induce and no meds to prevent pain. With Abby I caved under utter exhaustion and pressure from the doctor and took the epidural. I still regret that and did have side effects from it for almost a year after. I don't care what anyone says it is not "just as safe as natural." With Blaine they immediately hooked me up to morphine without even asking me. I don't regret that because to me his was not a birth, it was a death. And the morphine helped not only with the physical pain but with the emotional as well. I said more than once that if I didn't have Abby at home I would have requested a bucket of morphine in a doggy bag.
I'm going to read the books and then develop my plan. Hopefully this time I will have the courage to stick with it. I'm older and wiser now. I've been through the worst pain imaginable mentally and emotionally. Physical pain is nothing once you've had to cremate your child. I would gladly experience the worst of labour pains everyday for the rest of my life to have one more day with Blaine.
One ouch moment today and it wasn't really for me. When I had to go to the hospital because I was having chest pains there was a young girl there. She can't have been more than 20 and already had a toddler in tow. She looked about 20 weeks pregnant. She was in obvious pain and waiting to see the doctor. I remember thinking "baby's having babies." She was there alone with her toddler daughter. I saw her today too coming into the hospital. She was obviously not pregnant anymore. I flinched the minute I looked at her flat tummy. I wonder what happened to her baby. If she lost him/her or if he/she was premature and still at the hospital. Maybe she was having a follow up visit, maybe she was coming back to see the baby.

Outsiders

I'm sitting here crying right now. I don't really have a reason. I am extremely emotional today and was last night as well. Last night I found myself crying in bed because of work. I never cry over work, I just don't care enough to cry over it. But I'm covering vacations and while I'm still not that busy I'm terrified. I'm scared I'm going to screw up someone else's work while they're gone. I'm scared I'm going to have to go off on bedrest and not be able to work. I'm scared of letting people down because I really am not in a secure place right now. I'm feeling much better but my self esteem has still taken a blow. And that's something I'm still working on. I used to be so confident, almost cocky. Now I am always worried to make a decision in case it's the wrong one. I'm scared stressing over all of this will make me lose this baby and then I won't be able to return to work because I'll hate it and blame it.
Right now I'm crying because I cried last night and I feel stupid.
I had two good conversations at work today. Finally someone asked me about my necklace! She came over and touched it and said it was really nice. There was a bit of an awkward moment when I told her what it was and she looked as if I had just burned her finger. But she kept asking me questions and wanted to know all about it and where I got it. So, it was still nice.
A good friend of mine at work asked me about this blog and other mom's blogs that I read. She wondered if it made me feel worse or better. I told her at the beginning it made me feel so much better because I knew I was not alone and I had so many women to talk to. Now it is just part of my life. This is the world I live in now. She asked about the photos, how some women post photos of their babies living and dead on their blogs. I explained that I have photos of my living child all around so why would they not have photos of their children around. I know to her it seems morbid and she doesn't understand. I told her I hope she never understands because you really have to be a BLM to get it. I told her someone could walk in the room with a dead baby and I wouldn't flinch. This is just my reality now. I'm glad she asked though and that we got to talk about it. She wasn't rude or disgusted. She was just really curious and that's totally understandable. I know "outsiders" will never totally get it but at least there are some out there who are willing to try. I wonder what I would have thought had I stumbled on the community on April 10th. Before I found myself having to google "pregnancy loss." I wonder what I would think of my own blog if I were looking at him from someone else's perspective. Would I think that I was dwelling on death and negativity or would I be able to see the hope and beauty in it?Would I see Blaine in it?

There That Wasn't So Bad

For a Tuesday I can't complain. I actually forgot it was Tuesday until my lunch break. Then I was taking a walk and remembered. But instead of being sad this time I was actually relieved and a bit happy. I'm glad it didn't stick me like a knife to remember. I really only had one ouchy moment today. Today is back to school for most kids and as I stood waiting for an elevator, staring blankly at the tv I saw on the news a lucky mom dropping her kid off at school, carrying a little baby in a sling. Ouch. That should be me. I should have Blaine in a sling. We should have walked big sis to school today, maybe his first outing since coming home from the hospital? Would have been a really nice way to spend my day. Instead I am working. Are all of these "what if's" and "if only's" going to last forever? Will I ever be able to pass a milestone or celebrate a special occasion again without wondering what it would be like to have B with me? To be sad that something is missing. I worked slowly on my scrapbook page last night. Can't do anymore tonight because I am going out for a well needed glass of wine and creme brulee! And I am starting a new project up on the DBC so will need to work on that later.
Can't wait to go up north this weekend and spend sometime with Blaine's Papa. Oh how he would have loved his grandson. I wonder if Blaine would have run to him and hugged him as hard as big sis does.

The Scrambler Part Deux

Shhh...I'm blogging at work..hehe. Today was an exceptionally good day. After two weeks of emotional lows and a probable ecotopic pregnancy, yesterday was refreshing. And a good day I really needed to have. I was surprisingly well rested and optimistic when I woke up in the morning. Got to work and had a really good morning, not too busy but just enough. Some good laughs. Went out for lunch with my friend to the farmer's market. I bought myself two big beautiful sunflowers. Afternoon started off really well. I just felt at peace. I'm feeling optimistic that I'm going to get preggo this month. I feel like the darkness that surrounded me the past few days is gone. I feel like this is my month. I deserve some good news and I've been a pretty good person so karma should be catching up to me. I know this sounds incredibly naive but it's what I'm trying to make myself believe right now! I have to believe in the positive. That good things are coming my way.
There was only one glitch in my almost perfect day yesterday. I got an email from a coworker. One of those stupid chain things that people pass around. Usually they don't bother me. But this one was warning all us woman that carrying our cell phones around can actually cause miscarriage and infertility. Really? I was shocked, did she seriously send me this email? I had three options, 1: get up and punch her in the throat...2: take a walk and cool off...3: reply back to all in the email and say something like "do you think that's why my baby died? the doctors couldn't explain it maybe you can?" I wisely opted for number 2, took a walk to the bathroom shut myself in the stall screamed into some toilet paper and cried for a minute. This was the first time I had cried at work since I've been back from my 5 week mental hiatus. I know she didn't mean any harm. She didn't think about it. And that's it. She didn't think about it because she has probably already forgotten. I don't know what peeved me off more...the fact that she sent a careless email without thinking of who she was sending it to or the stupid email itself. Yes, ladies according to the person who wrote the email, I'm sure they're a celebrated and award winning doctor, prolonged exposure to cell phones causes miscarriage. Phew, I'm glad there's a good reason for all the dead babies out there. I was able to actually cool off after about an hour and put things in perspective. But for that one hour I was seething and she is very lucky I was at work. And that I have extremely good self control. I'm a Jasper when it comes to controlling my emotions, hardly any outbursts at all. (I'm reading Twilight for the 6th time sorry). It got me thinking about what I really want and need from people. I'm not going to compile it all here because I am at work and this is getting to be a long post already.
I was able to salvage the day though, my supervisor met with me because she heard about what happened. My friend Lisa was appalled at the email and sent my supervisor a note about it. Joking around with my supervisor always brightens my mood. She has been so supportive and such a good friend, leader and mentor.
So, a minor snag but today I am feeling really good again. It may just be another ride on the Scrambler but if it is and I'm going to crash again I plan on enjoying this while I can!

Sunflower of my Heart

"Believe Me If All Those Endearing Young Charms" by the poet Thomas Moore:

"...the heart that has truly loved never forgets, But as truly loves on to the close, As the sunflower turns on her god, when he sets, The same look which she turned when he rose. "

The sunflower signifies pure thoughts. It symbolizes adoration and dedication. It is symbolic of dedicated love. (description found here)

I didn't realize that the sunflower is the flower of the third wedding anniversary. I celebrated my third wedding anniversary on April 14. One day after Blaine died. My son. My sunflower. I'm not exactly sure why these flowers make me think of him. I was never a big fan before. I had a friend years ago who loved sunflowers...I hope she still does. Maybe I like them because they're yellow. They stand tall and proud as I imagine he would have as a man. They are beautiful and strong, standing up against the rain and wind. They are seasonal. When the dark and cold winter comes they are gone.

I've had a pretty bitter day. Went out for lunch at work with my group. Kept thinking it should have been a lunch for me leaving on my maternity leave. Had cupcakes at the party to celebrate two people leaving our office. Should have been cupcakes with blue icing for Blaine. Was bitter about my cousin being pregnant but I have gotten over that and can now honestly say I am a little excited. Worried for her since she is young and single. But I will be there for her. I have to be. As hard as it will be for me I cannot let her do this alone, I would never forgive myself. I know how scared she is and shocked. I was only 26 when I got pregnant the first time too. I am trying to let go of the bitterness so I have been looking up items of meaning. Sunflowers, colours and scripture. I am enjoying this scripture right now and trying to hold it in my heart and erase the week I've had.

“For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” (2 Corinthians 4:17-18)

I am going to cuddle up with my son's ashes, watch General Hospital and cry myself to sleep.

Day 2

I actually felt somewhat normal today at work. Day two was not so bad. The only problem is that now I am back at work I have no time to myself. I have no time with Blaine. That kind of sucks. And I am also completely drained, am not used to the long days! Went on my lunch break to Carlton Cards and tortured myself by looking at all of the baby shower invitations; baby shower thank you cards; new baby photo frames and browsed through a pregnancy journal. Perhaps if I ever get pregnant again I'll buy that one. It was really nice but it was $26.99 and I thought that's a lot of money to waste if the baby ends up dead. If I don't get to fill the whole thing with memories. That was a horrible thought. Came home tonight and took apart the flower centerpiece I brought home from the wedding I went to on Saturday. Wrote Blaine's name on a petal and took a bunch of photos. Now I'm eating a big tub of potato salad and I have no motivation to do anything else with my evening.

Not Quite the Greatest Day I've Ever Known

Today was not as bad as I envisioned. I am exhausted though. I wasn't swamped with work, had just enough to fill my plate but not keep me rushing around. Everyone was super nice about me being back. On my way to work there was a cute little boy on the subway with a little mohawk, just like Blaine would have had. It was bittersweet. I realized today that I work with people who actually care about me. It was a nice aha moment. It was good to see my supervisor again cause I think she's pretty awesome and is the only female boss I've ever liked. My manager didn't growl at me or anything. And the couple of close friends I have there gave me big hugs and big welcomes. I got to tell my good friend Lisa all about seeing Blaine and the cremation. She was like "I'm happy for you" and we both looked at each other strange and realized that was kind of morbid but you know what we meant. And this nice Grandpa guy that works there saved my coupons while I was off (he always gives me coupons and newspapers for various things). I took a "picture of Blaine" to work to put on my desk and I know people noticed but no one really commented yet. Maybe they thought I'd start crying or something. I put "picture of Blaine" in quotations cause it's not really a pic of him but one of his name that a nice BLM made for me. It's nice to look up and see his name. I had a bit of trouble with my breathing on the way to work just because I was so nervous about what to expect. Had to leave my desk a couple of times to walk around and breath. But I didn't have any chest pains. No panic attacks. I had one everyday before I was off so this was something special.
I took a preggo test today and of course I am not preggo yet. I'm broke so I was having lunch with my Mom (which she also paid for, subs which I insisted they heat although it turns out I can have all the listeria I want) and said "can you buy me a pregnancy test?" So of course she did. And I rushed in the bathroom but it was a big fat negative. Don't know what AF is up to. I am never ever in my life irregular...maybe it's the Zoloft (did I mention I switched from Prozac to Zoloft?). That's the only thing I can think of. It's got my cycle out of whack. Or maybe it's stress. Or maybe my body isn't ready yet. Or maybe I'm barren.
It got me thinking today about my daughter. If I couldn't have any other kids would she be enough. And the answer is of course. She is more than enough as she is perfect and loving and beautiful and soulful. But although she is more than enough I still want another one. Preferably a boy! But I will take any living baby God gives me.

Big Day Tomorrow

Tomorrow I have to go back to work. Ugh! I did go back to work after Blaine but have been off for just over a month. It's been really nice to be able to have sometime to myself, to cry when I want to cry, to rest when I want to rest, to obsess over every little part of this mess, to forget about every other stress in my life and just focus on this. But I can't stay home forever. I feel like the medication is actually helping me. Having gotten a second chance with Blaine has been a release. If I don't go back now I probably never will. I have to take the step. I have to test myself. We'll see.
Went to a wedding yesterday. Was nice, didn't get too depressed even though there was a woman sitting at our table who was exactly 4 months pregnant, just like I was. I wasn't sad to be sitting with her, didn't mind that she was pregnant. I was just upset because I kept thinking in my head that I should warn her. "Don't get too attached you don't have the baby home with you yet." "Don't make too many plans the baby could die any minute." I felt horrible but it's all I could think of. Someone was talking to her about not finding out if she's having a boy or a girl. What a nice surprise it would be. And all I could think was "it will surprise you more if the baby dies." It was horrible so I basically just ignored her as much as possible to keep the thoughts out of my head. Ugh!
And I'm still waiting for Aunt Flo. She's teasing me by coming a little late again this month. I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant so she's just taking her sweet time to make me miserable again.