A Good Day

Today was a great day. I have been on the fence about my decision to leave work 6 weeks before Caleb's due date. Part of me thinks I should work longer to maximize my time with him. I was off work today though and realized that I cannot wait to be done. I wish I didn't have to go back at all! It was definitely the right decision. I am so much more relaxed and was able to just enjoy the day with my daughter and think about Caleb. I let her play hookie and we ran a bunch of errands. I have a negative blood type so I had to go to the hospital this morning and have a blood test done to make sure I wasn't producing harmful antibodies. The test takes three hours so while I waited we went to the library and then to my doctors appt. My dr's appt went perfect. Caleb is measuring at just the right size and his heartbeat was strong. I teared up when she told me that because I immediately thought "so was Blaine's." Then we were back over to the hospital and the results of my blood test were also perfect. I registered for my room at the hospital for when I'm in labour. I'm all set! Then I took sissy and we went out for a special treat and to look for stuff for the baby shower. Weather wise today was crappy, grey, wet, icy. But my spirits were up and we had good girl time together. I haven't gotten enough girl time with her lately so it was well needed. Plus my work allows you to take more than 52 weeks anyway, I think it's 56 and I am taking the maximum whether I get paid or not. We are lucky to be able to afford me being off for 4 to 6 weeks without pay.
I got two books out of the library on natural childbirth and the "birth industry." I'm really determined to do things better this time around. No meds to induce and no meds to prevent pain. With Abby I caved under utter exhaustion and pressure from the doctor and took the epidural. I still regret that and did have side effects from it for almost a year after. I don't care what anyone says it is not "just as safe as natural." With Blaine they immediately hooked me up to morphine without even asking me. I don't regret that because to me his was not a birth, it was a death. And the morphine helped not only with the physical pain but with the emotional as well. I said more than once that if I didn't have Abby at home I would have requested a bucket of morphine in a doggy bag.
I'm going to read the books and then develop my plan. Hopefully this time I will have the courage to stick with it. I'm older and wiser now. I've been through the worst pain imaginable mentally and emotionally. Physical pain is nothing once you've had to cremate your child. I would gladly experience the worst of labour pains everyday for the rest of my life to have one more day with Blaine.
One ouch moment today and it wasn't really for me. When I had to go to the hospital because I was having chest pains there was a young girl there. She can't have been more than 20 and already had a toddler in tow. She looked about 20 weeks pregnant. She was in obvious pain and waiting to see the doctor. I remember thinking "baby's having babies." She was there alone with her toddler daughter. I saw her today too coming into the hospital. She was obviously not pregnant anymore. I flinched the minute I looked at her flat tummy. I wonder what happened to her baby. If she lost him/her or if he/she was premature and still at the hospital. Maybe she was having a follow up visit, maybe she was coming back to see the baby.