I added an friend to my FB friends list. She has two boys, one who was due the same time as Blaine was. I really like her and her family. But now I find myself tearing up looking at her photos. Her post wishing her boy a happy 6 month birthday. I am so happy for them and they haven't had an easy time but it just makes me miss my boy even more. I should be wishing Blaine a happy 6 month this week, or maybe he would have come a week or two early and we would have already celebrated. Either way I am not. Instead I am secretly planning a one year "birthday" party for a dead baby. I haven't even discussed it with my husband really. I don't know what he wants to do on April 13th. I'm pretty sure no one in our real life will remember, except you Liz cause I know you read my blog, lol. My mother and sister will be in Cuba so I'm sure they won't remember. I have just had to come to the realization that other than our little family, hubby and me and Abby, this was just not a significant event. And I'm certainly not going to remind anyone cause I don't need the pity party. If people remember I want it to be because they actually remember not because I had to tell them. I keep hearing all this nonsense about the royal wedding in April and I keep thinking "big deal no one died." There are so much more important things happening in April. But I guess not for the rest of the world.
One of my biggest faults is that I curse. I will let a sh*& escape if I stub my toe and if someone is really getting on my nerves I have been known to drop the F bomb. I don't like it and I try not to. I can pretty much control it except when I'm really exhausted or emotional. To my credit I have never sworn in front of my daughter or anyone else's kid. The point of this is that I keep saying this line in my head from a song which contains the F word.
"when I need them I don't see none of them...f*&^ all you fairweather friends all I need is him." courtesy of Dr Dre and Eminem (yes another fault of mine, I love rap music)
Unfortunaly that bitterness has entangled itself with the pain of April 13th.
1 comment:
I still can't look at pictures of my niece and haven't talked to my brother in months because I was due 2 weeks before my niece was due. My brother and I aren't super close, but it's still hard.
I have a really bad habit about cursing. I don't around Adam though because he doesn't like it, so I try to respect that, but if I get really mad, I just let it rip.
I can tell you that I think of Blaine each and every day, and I will remember him on his birthday too. He's a special boy and he has a special mommy.
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