Not Quite the Greatest Day I've Ever Known

Today was not as bad as I envisioned. I am exhausted though. I wasn't swamped with work, had just enough to fill my plate but not keep me rushing around. Everyone was super nice about me being back. On my way to work there was a cute little boy on the subway with a little mohawk, just like Blaine would have had. It was bittersweet. I realized today that I work with people who actually care about me. It was a nice aha moment. It was good to see my supervisor again cause I think she's pretty awesome and is the only female boss I've ever liked. My manager didn't growl at me or anything. And the couple of close friends I have there gave me big hugs and big welcomes. I got to tell my good friend Lisa all about seeing Blaine and the cremation. She was like "I'm happy for you" and we both looked at each other strange and realized that was kind of morbid but you know what we meant. And this nice Grandpa guy that works there saved my coupons while I was off (he always gives me coupons and newspapers for various things). I took a "picture of Blaine" to work to put on my desk and I know people noticed but no one really commented yet. Maybe they thought I'd start crying or something. I put "picture of Blaine" in quotations cause it's not really a pic of him but one of his name that a nice BLM made for me. It's nice to look up and see his name. I had a bit of trouble with my breathing on the way to work just because I was so nervous about what to expect. Had to leave my desk a couple of times to walk around and breath. But I didn't have any chest pains. No panic attacks. I had one everyday before I was off so this was something special.
I took a preggo test today and of course I am not preggo yet. I'm broke so I was having lunch with my Mom (which she also paid for, subs which I insisted they heat although it turns out I can have all the listeria I want) and said "can you buy me a pregnancy test?" So of course she did. And I rushed in the bathroom but it was a big fat negative. Don't know what AF is up to. I am never ever in my life irregular...maybe it's the Zoloft (did I mention I switched from Prozac to Zoloft?). That's the only thing I can think of. It's got my cycle out of whack. Or maybe it's stress. Or maybe my body isn't ready yet. Or maybe I'm barren.
It got me thinking today about my daughter. If I couldn't have any other kids would she be enough. And the answer is of course. She is more than enough as she is perfect and loving and beautiful and soulful. But although she is more than enough I still want another one. Preferably a boy! But I will take any living baby God gives me.

So, I Googled it

I caved and googled "Prozac," "Prozac and Pregnancy," and "Prozac Side Effects." It was just as horrible as I imagined. And of course totally freaked me out. I ended up having to call MotherRisk which is this wonderful service through the Toronto Sick Kids Hospital. They have all the info on what drugs and activities are safe for pregnancies. I'm not even pregnant but had to check cause you never know when. And it's fine they've assured me, they've even followed kids up to the age of 6 to ensure there were no developmental problems in the early years. The woman on the phone warned me "don't google anything!" I said "I know I know."

Yesterday was a busy day. I also got in touch with the PBSO (Perinatal Bereavement Services) and signed up for group therapy. The woman I spoke to was of course another baby loss momma, cause we're everywhere aren't we? She was so sweet and so caring. She had some really good advice on something I've been struggling with and I decided to take her advice. The situation was that we never told my daughter about Blaine. She knew I was pregnant but not that we had him and he died. She still thought I was pregnant. So, as you recall from a previous post she was still kissing my belly every night and talking to the baby. The woman from PBSO said this was not really god for either of us. So, I told Sissie last night. She handled it so well. She was just very matter of fact. I asked her if she was sad and she said "no, I will see him when I go to Heaven" and that was that. She also said, next time we get pregnant "we'll get the baby out faster so he doesn't die" which I thought was really sweet and sad too. I was expecting a big breakdown but as the woman from PBSO explained at this age the kids are very black and white. They don't see the big issues that we see.

I feel relieved that I told her, she can go to the Butterfly Release with us next year, she can light a candle for him, she can be his big sis now. I don't have to hide him from her anymore. I feel a little sad too though. With Abby I could pretend Blaine was still here. He wasn't completely dead. We could talk to my belly and she was giving it kisses. He was still there. Now that she knows it's final. He's gone.

Not going to Google it!!! But please give your input

I just returned from a doctors appt. I have been diagnosed with Post Partum Depression. I had this after my girl so I'm not completely surprised. I have all the same symptoms I had then, just magnified by 100%. All of the symptoms of PPD plus dealing with a great loss. This time around it's obviously much harder. At least back then I had my beautiful Abby to take care of, made it worth it. It's not worth it now. Yes, I gave birth and my body is going through the same changes it would with any other birth. But I didn't get to bring the baby home. My baby didn't live. So why do I have to go through the post partum? This is just as bad as when the milk came. Two days after I had Blaine my breasts started lactating. Much to their surprise there was no hungry mouth to feed. No reason to swell up like balloons ladies. Although and he probably won't admit it to anyone else, my husband did smile a little those three days. MEN!

Back to the doctors, he has prescribed Prozac. I'm a bit anti drug. I don't even like to take a Tylenol when I have a headache. I did take Effexor for awhile last time and in all honesty it wasn't that bad...I didn't have any severe side effects. I have agreed to give Prozac a try. I will have to take it for 9 months or else can suffer a bad relapse. Which means if I am blessed enough to get preggo again I will have to be on the drug. I don't like this idea. My doctor has assured me that it is perfectly safe. I know the odds are in my favour. But hey, weren't the odds in my favour when I made it to a healthy 4 months with Blaine? Your not supposed to miscarry a healthy baby in a healthy pregnancy after the first trimester, everyone knows that. Statistics show that. Statistics are not my friend.

I am an avid googler. I google everything. My homepage when I log in is google. If I hear something or see something and want to know more I google it! I am not going to google Prozac, or I am trying desperately not to, like an addict I'm taking it minute by minute. I know there will be tons of bad stories about people who died or grew a third eye. I don't want to know. I am going to try to trust my doctor. But I will ask you out there...is anyone reading this on Prozac or have you been? Did you take any when pregnant? If you don't want to leave a comment for the world to see please email me ... lilyorange2@yahoo.ca. I would like some feedback without having to read all of the stuff that google brings up.