So, I Googled it

I caved and googled "Prozac," "Prozac and Pregnancy," and "Prozac Side Effects." It was just as horrible as I imagined. And of course totally freaked me out. I ended up having to call MotherRisk which is this wonderful service through the Toronto Sick Kids Hospital. They have all the info on what drugs and activities are safe for pregnancies. I'm not even pregnant but had to check cause you never know when. And it's fine they've assured me, they've even followed kids up to the age of 6 to ensure there were no developmental problems in the early years. The woman on the phone warned me "don't google anything!" I said "I know I know."

Yesterday was a busy day. I also got in touch with the PBSO (Perinatal Bereavement Services) and signed up for group therapy. The woman I spoke to was of course another baby loss momma, cause we're everywhere aren't we? She was so sweet and so caring. She had some really good advice on something I've been struggling with and I decided to take her advice. The situation was that we never told my daughter about Blaine. She knew I was pregnant but not that we had him and he died. She still thought I was pregnant. So, as you recall from a previous post she was still kissing my belly every night and talking to the baby. The woman from PBSO said this was not really god for either of us. So, I told Sissie last night. She handled it so well. She was just very matter of fact. I asked her if she was sad and she said "no, I will see him when I go to Heaven" and that was that. She also said, next time we get pregnant "we'll get the baby out faster so he doesn't die" which I thought was really sweet and sad too. I was expecting a big breakdown but as the woman from PBSO explained at this age the kids are very black and white. They don't see the big issues that we see.

I feel relieved that I told her, she can go to the Butterfly Release with us next year, she can light a candle for him, she can be his big sis now. I don't have to hide him from her anymore. I feel a little sad too though. With Abby I could pretend Blaine was still here. He wasn't completely dead. We could talk to my belly and she was giving it kisses. He was still there. Now that she knows it's final. He's gone.