New Photos

A photo we took on our vacation



And one from Dana

Sometimes it's my Friend

This is one of the first sites I went on after I got home from the hospital. Once the morphine wore off I hit google. (Yes I am a google addict, see ). It was actually a really good resource and led me to a lot of other sites which I ended up treasuring and relying on. I haven't checked it out in awhile but figured I should pay homage to it.
I remember those early days when I was shell shocked. I would sit here in front of the computer looking at website after website about loss. Reading poems, listening to songs, googling images of dead 17 week old fetuses. Looking for any connection to what I was going through, anyone out there that I could talk to and relate to. Any sign in the universe that I was not alone. That site led me to other sites and eventually I found blogs. The first blogs of interest to me were the ones with the name requests. I was fascinated that these complete strangers would write out these baby names and take photos for other moms. It seemed so strange to me but I knew I had to have one. The first one I requested and received was from Vermont Angels. I opened my email and there it was, Blaine's name spelled out beautifully. A complete stranger had taken time from her busy day to write my sons name and take a photo of it. That means that during her day she actually thought about him. Maybe she even said his name out loud. Maybe someone asked her, "what are you writing?" and maybe she replied "Blaine." It gave me chills and tears of joy and I was hooked. I don't know how many requests I've sent off and some have been ignored or forgotten but for the most part I have received so many nice mementos. If I had not lost a baby I would have no idea how significant it is.
Then I started to really pay attention to these blogs I was perusing. I started to read all about the lost babies. So many little angels. Some reminded me of my own story, others were completely different in details. But the core of them all was the same. Grief. Grief, sadness, anger, bitterness, disbelief, joy. Yes, joy. Not in the loss but in the life. All of these mothers shared the same emotions and one of them was joy. Joy that we were able to keep these little angels with us, even for just a short time. Too short a time. But a joyful time.
I found all of these things through a simple invention. Google. And while sometimes I may hate it for feeding my paranoid delusions, I have to thank it. For resources, for mementos, for reading material and most importantly for community. For the community it led me to which has sustained me through some pretty rough days.

In Treatment

Today is another blah day. I had my first appt with a shrink yesterday. * Disclaimer: I do not mean any offence by using the words "crazy" or talking about ocd in a lighthearted way. I'm not really making fun it's just my way of talking about it. * He was not warm and fuzzy. His office was a mess and he had the light off but the curtains wide open so the sun was lighting the room. He didn't look more than 45 and he was a low talker so sometimes it was hard to hear him. I didn't dislike him. I guess I was expecting a male version of my therapist. Has anyone ever seen the show "In Treatment?" It's Gabriel Byrne playing a therapist and he's got a very warm and cozy office. That's what I was hoping for. But this guy was alright, he was at least very easy to talk to although I was not as comfortable crying in front of him as I am with Dolores. This is what free health care gets you right? lol...I was hopeful after leaving his office because he does not think I'm crazy or that I am going crazy. That is a concern with me because most days I feel like I'm borderline. Like if one more trauma happens I'm going to be flipping the light switch 14 times before I leave the house. I know I shouldn't watch the show "Obsessed" or "Intervention" or "Hoarding" but I can't help it. And sadly I can now relate to these people. There were two people on "Obsessed" the other night and I totally got what they were saying. I have the same anxiety and the same thoughts. At one point the therapist on the show was telling the ocd patient to do something as part of his cognitive behaviour therapy and the ocd guy was looking at the therapist like the therapist was insane and I totally agreed with the ocd guy!! The only difference is I still have my sense of logic. But if that goes I can totally see myself cleaning the house for 20 hours a day. Logic. That is what is separating us. The shrink who I will call "Fraser" for lack of a better nickname says as long as I worry about going crazy then I won't go crazy. He didn't quite word it like that but that's the gist of it. If you think about these things from a logical perspective then they will most likely not happen to you. That gives me hope. The few compulsions that I've had since April 13th are not going to push me over the edge. That is very good news for someone who feels as if they are living at the edge. I am not going over.

Today I am feeling a lot of anxiety. I know I have to go back to work either next week or the week after. I think I'm ready but I'm still anxious about it. I've been able to solely focus on me for a month now and it's felt good. I'm also worried about how I'm going to be treated when I get back. I've been a little bored and I miss the hustle of things around the office and having lunch with my friend Lisa. I think I'm ready to go back I'm just worried that I'm not going to be able to handle the stress. I'm worried I'm going to have a breakdown right there at my desk. But I won't know unless I try right?

On a lighter note. I may be going up to my in laws again in about a month...not for sure but most likely. If you look in Blaine's gallery, I have a pic of his name written in the sand by a waterfall and also, one of his name on the beach in the sand. They are labelled "up at Papa's house" If you would like me to do one for your little one please email me lilyorange2@yahoo.ca I don't know for sure if I'm going but if I do I will definitely take some pics. There's lots of beautiful spots up there.