Sometimes it's my Friend

This is one of the first sites I went on after I got home from the hospital. Once the morphine wore off I hit google. (Yes I am a google addict, see ). It was actually a really good resource and led me to a lot of other sites which I ended up treasuring and relying on. I haven't checked it out in awhile but figured I should pay homage to it.
I remember those early days when I was shell shocked. I would sit here in front of the computer looking at website after website about loss. Reading poems, listening to songs, googling images of dead 17 week old fetuses. Looking for any connection to what I was going through, anyone out there that I could talk to and relate to. Any sign in the universe that I was not alone. That site led me to other sites and eventually I found blogs. The first blogs of interest to me were the ones with the name requests. I was fascinated that these complete strangers would write out these baby names and take photos for other moms. It seemed so strange to me but I knew I had to have one. The first one I requested and received was from Vermont Angels. I opened my email and there it was, Blaine's name spelled out beautifully. A complete stranger had taken time from her busy day to write my sons name and take a photo of it. That means that during her day she actually thought about him. Maybe she even said his name out loud. Maybe someone asked her, "what are you writing?" and maybe she replied "Blaine." It gave me chills and tears of joy and I was hooked. I don't know how many requests I've sent off and some have been ignored or forgotten but for the most part I have received so many nice mementos. If I had not lost a baby I would have no idea how significant it is.
Then I started to really pay attention to these blogs I was perusing. I started to read all about the lost babies. So many little angels. Some reminded me of my own story, others were completely different in details. But the core of them all was the same. Grief. Grief, sadness, anger, bitterness, disbelief, joy. Yes, joy. Not in the loss but in the life. All of these mothers shared the same emotions and one of them was joy. Joy that we were able to keep these little angels with us, even for just a short time. Too short a time. But a joyful time.
I found all of these things through a simple invention. Google. And while sometimes I may hate it for feeding my paranoid delusions, I have to thank it. For resources, for mementos, for reading material and most importantly for community. For the community it led me to which has sustained me through some pretty rough days.