The Middle

If you track anniversaries or birthdays by the day of the year than today is 4 months since Blaine was born. If you track it by actual days then today is 17 weeks and 3 days. Today is the centre. Today Blaine has been dead for as long as he was alive. 17 weeks and 3 days. The Ascent and The Descent.

How did my life change during the ascent?

I got fat. (again) I was so sick for two months. Constant nauseu all day long. My clothes got tight. I made plans for my baby shower, it was going to be Saturday July 10th at my Momma's house. I had the list made of who was invited, had planned the menu, chose someone to think up some games, picked out the prizes to hand out. I went online and setup a wish list at Sears. I planned to get most of my baby stuff there. A friend gave us a stroller to use. My mom and I picked out the car seat to go with it. My dear Aunt sent me a big box of baby clothes. All neutral colours although I already knew I was having a boy. I worried that our apartment wasn't big enough. I worried that Big Sis wouldn't want a little brother. I worried about the decision to circumsize (hubby is pro and I am con). I stressed over how much toys and clothes I knew my mother in law would buy the new baby and where I would put everything!! (when I was 9 weeks pregnant she went out and bought a bunch of shampoo and lotion for the baby!) I picked out the co sleeper we would pick up down in the US when we were on vacation. I ate a bowl of fruit salad every morning and a yoghurt. I took my vitamins. I rubbed my belly and talked to my little nudger. I researched doula's and pre natal classes. I took it easy during my workout, always partnering with another lazy person! I was nervous but not about having a dead baby because I knew that would never happen to me. I planned out all of the things I would teach my son about women, even envisioning what my future daughter in law might be like. I journalled in my pregnancy book. I envisioned exactly what my little toddler boy would look like and how I would dress him. I pictured the family photos, the perfect "million dollar family." I thought about a teenage son and how his friends would love to come over to our house. How they'd all tease him about how hot his mom was!! How we'd be the safe house...where the kids who didn't want to get drunk or high would hang out. I pictured myself breastfeeding and changing a boys diaper, trying not to get peed on. The ascent was a beautiful experience and I wish I could say I cherished it every moment. But the truth is I complained about being sick, getting fat, not being able to do much of anything because I was tired and sore. I thought those were the worst things that could happen to me. And then I wiped and there was blood and I descended into darkness.

How did (is?) my life change (changing) during the Descent?

I have seen much more of the mental health unit of the hospital then I ever care to again. I have been medicated. I have cried so much I wondered if I had any fluids left in my body. I have tasted morphine and liked it. I have wanted, needed, longed for, just one look at my dead baby. I have googled images of dead 17 week old fetuses. I have longed to go back to the hospital and deliver Blaine again, just do it one more time, just repeat that 31 hours. I have gone to places in my mind so dark I worried I might not make it back. I have been reminded of my son at every turn, every song, every t.v. show. Even listening to a silly pop tune I can relate it somehow to Blaine. I have listened to an Eminem song and it made me think of Blaine!! ("I can't tell you what it really is I can only tell you what it feels like and right now it's a steel knife in my windpipe.") I have made funeral plans for a child. I have held my sons ashes and considered ways to make them a part of my body. What if I take that little piece of bone and have it implanted under my skin? I have had more nightmares then I can remember ever having before. So much darkness. There are times when I know I could have crossed that line. That thin line between darkness and light. I could have so easily embraced the darkness and disappeared.
But in all of this there is joy. Yes actual joy.
During the descent, on the worst of days I had people who cared for me...friends, coworkers, BLM, strangers, doctors, hubby, family.
And there was God. I think I've said it before, maybe not on here but in a letter to Blaine or to God...God picked me up off of that bathroom floor on April 13th and he has carried me since. I am always reminded of that poem "Footprints."
I needed to carry Blaine for those 17 weeks and 3 days, to love him and nurture him.
And while I still don't know why I had to lose him I know now that I honour him by living in light.