Status Updates

I actually typed these words into my FB status today "...is debating whether to get her memorial tattoo soon or wait until she's done having dead babies." I couldn't save it though, deleted it. Because really, most of my "friends" would probably be appalled at me saying that or would ignore me and roll their eyes or call child services and tell them I've gone mad. Why is a raven like a writing desk?
"Tomorrow would be my last day of work if I didn't have a dead baby." I did actually say those words to two people at work today. Why is a raven like a writing desk?
I am really really trying hard to keep things in perspective. All I have to do is watch the news to know that millions if not billions of people on this Earth have life a lot harder than I do. I have been blessed with a loving husband, a beautiful daughter, a decent job, some pretty good friends, a normally healthy body and mind (mostly), food (fudgeos mmm), shelter, clothing (even if it is a little tight) and both my parents are living. I have so much to be thankful for. But these past two weeks have really been pushing my limits. I'm feeling a little Job right now...like what else is going to go wrong? When do I break out in sores? These past four months have been the worst of my life. When I look back at even the happy moments I've had they are overshadowed by the Descent. Our third wedding anniversary was the day after Blaine died. Our first family trip to Disney...the week after. My daughter's 5th bday...someone was missing. Our annual trip to Papa's house...someone was missing. It's always right there just beneath the surface. And it may very well be forever.
We were pretty resolved after my ultrasound on Friday that that was it. A little drama but it was over. Then Tuesday, ya Tuesday, I get a call at midnight from my doctor. First I think I'm having a nightmare, then I think it's a prank. He was just reviewing the results from my ultrasound and blood work and I need to go to emergency right away because I am probably ecotopic. I hang up and go back to bed because I am a rebel like that. I called him in the morning and he repeats everything. I drag myself to emergency alone because hubby has to work and who else wants to sit there and stare at me for 9 hours. Yes, 9 hours. 9 hours for them to determine that whatever was in my tube on Friday was now gone. Ecotopic preg? Maybe but it resolved itself. Another cyst? Maybe but it resolved itself. I guess this was good news but at this point I just want one drama free week. I want to go to Hawaii and lie on a beach and drink a fruity cocktail. But since I can't even afford to buy my son's urn right now there is no Hawaii for me.
So, I'm trying to be positive and not be all "woe is me" but I just want some good news. I want some happiness. I just want one more baby. I don't need 18. I don't need octuplets and a reality show. Just one more sweet little baby to call my own. And I'd like to not have to go through all of this drama to get it. I want it to be like it was when I got pregnant with my daughter. Hey let's not use a condom this time...bing pregnant! I ate like a pig, gained 66 pounds and loved every minute of it. Never crossed my mind that pregnancy would be anything but that.
And as I'm writing this I am on the phone with my mother and she has just informed me that my 25 year old cousin has gotten knocked up by some guy at work that she's not even dating. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH