What I Need Right Now

I briefly spoke about my new needs in a previous post and I've posted the "A Letter from Women to Their Friends and Family" written Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer. I have new needs and wants that I never had before. I've always been what I consider to be very strong. I've always been able to put on a poker face and dismiss any kind of hardships. I was tough. I don't involve myself in drama, I don't associate with people who thrive on conflict or gossip. I was level headed, sometimes detached and a bit of a loner. That suited me just fine. Then I descended. And now I am an emotional wreck. I've only felt this way once before and that was during an emotionally abusive relationship and even then it was just around him, not anyone else. Now I can barely get through the day without crying. Even during the good ones I sometimes have tears of joy. I need for the people who love me and know me to understand that I am not the same Elaine you knew on April 12th. Post April 13th Elaine is a different woman. And to be honest I like her better. I don't like being on an emotional scrambler. But there are a lot of new things I've discovered about myself that I would not give back. And this is my new reality. I am the mother of a dead baby and the mother of a living daughter. I am both and whether I am blessed with another living child or not, that will not change. Here are some things I want you to know...

I didn't choose this. I would give anyone or anything in my life other than my daughter to have my son back.
I am not being a drama queen. I am moody and emotional but it's not for attention. I just can't help it.
Please don't stop asking me to do things. I know I've been saying no to almost every invite but that is because the physical effects of grief and depression have left me sore and aching and exhausted. I simply don't have the energy most days to go out to a party or dinner. It's not that I don't want to because I want to so badly.
I know it is hard for you to understand how I feel about my son. He was just an abstract idea to you...a pregnancy not a child. But he moved inside me, he fed off my body. I did not lose a 17 week old fetus, I lost a baby, toddler, teenager, son, grandson, daughter in law, granddaughter, lifetime of memories and dreams.
Please don't think I am dwelling on the negative. I am also celebrating every moment I had. What may seem morbid to you is my way of coping.
I will never get over this. While it will get easier with time I will never move on.
I want to talk about Blaine. I want you to ask me about Blaine. I want you to ask me if you can see his things when you are at my home.
I need to know that you will never forget him. I need to know that this has had an impact on you.
I want you to talk to Abigail about her brother. Do not think that it will hurt her. She is a precious spirit who loves her brother. She mentions him every day and it doesn't cause her pain.
You know I am not used to asking for things. I am a proud woman. It's hard for me to ask someone for a favour or for their time (well except my parents I still rely on them far too much) Most of what I have done for Blaine I did alone because I didn't want to bother anyone. So, offer your time to me. Offer to take me for a coffee. Offer to come to my home and visit. Offer to help me find some new way to memorialize my son.
Understand that I am changed. I am not the strong woman I was. I am fragile. I don't know how long I will feel this way but for the time being I need you to be a little more sensitive. And I may be a little more clingy and needy. I have a hard time most days deciding on what to make for dinner so please don't ask me anything more complex than that!
Please read my blog. Thanks Liz for reading this everyday!! You have no idea how much it means to me that a "real life" friend is watching.

That's all I can really think of right now. My mind was racing with this after the dead baby email I got the other day. But that person wasn't really a friend so this wouldn't apply.

On a lighter note, I am going up north next Friday. Some of you asked me to do name photos for your babies, if you want one and forgot to email me please do so by Wednesday... lilyorange2@yahoo.ca