Everyday I see two paths, the scenarios play out in my head over and over day to day. I feel like I'm at a crossroads right now. Things could go either way.
Path one leads me to a hospital room. I look down at my arm and I can see the IV. The room smells of morphine and blood. This isn't a happy ending. I'm delivering another baby. Losing another son. I'm crying and screaming. There's nothing they can do, he's too little, it's too soon. My body has failed. I first think of Abby. My grief is only a small part mine. I grieve for her. She is much more invested in this pregnancy. She knows he's a Caleb, she's picked out a blanket. She's decided which toys she's willing to share. She's got plans for the outfit she wants to get him and the stuffed bunny to match hers. In this scenario my thoughts are always on her and what I will tell her, how I will break her heart.
Path two also leads me to a hospital room. This scene is the opposite though. I am beaming. I've told hubby he better hold Caleb first because once I get him I'm not letting go. And that's exactly what I'm doing, holding tight to my boy. Watching him curled up on my chest. He's healthy and pink and breathing. My family is gathered around. I can barely keep Abby and Daddy still they are so excited. We are all happy and it makes a beautiful photo. One I will probably send out for Christmas. I can smell his soft baby skin. His sweet breath. I can feel the weight in my arms. He's wrapped in the blankie Big Sis picked out for him. I am crying tears of sheer joy.
I literally live each scenario each day. Depending on my mood I am either extremely anxious or blissfully optimistic. So far, medically, everything is absolutely perfect. The anatomy u/s came back and Caleb is perfect. My cervix is actually on the longer side of normal which is good and it is firmly closed! I still can't shake the fear though. If it's been more than a couple of hours and I haven't felt a movement I worry. If I get a cramp I worry. If I'm constipated and have to go to the bathroom and push I worry I'm going to split open my cervix! I worry. Can I just be put in a coma for the next three months???
I'm at a huge crossroads in my life and in my family's life. Unfortunately the decision of which way to go is not mine to make. One path will lead us into joy and love. The other path will lead us into more grief and more unanswered prayers and questions. Blaine was and will always be my sunset. Beautiful, breathtaking, gone too soon, and a prelude to the darkness. I really hope Caleb gets to be my sunrise.
2 comments:
This is beautiful. I really hope that Caleb gets to be your sunrise too and that you don't end up with your heart shattered even more than it already has been. Things are going so well and Caleb has an excellent chance. I often remind myself that women have living babies after they have lost one every single day and there is no reason that you or me or any of the other BLM's we know shouldn't be one of those women who get to take a baby home.
I hope the good scenario eventually comes to mind more than the bad one. I know it is impossible to push the bad one out completely.
I am very hopeful for you and for Caleb.
This brought tears to my eyes as I think of similar scenerios often. One where I cannot imagine life going on if my second daughter dies too. And one where I can only imagine the intense joy and love my husband and I will experience as we keep our second daughter in our lives.
And I smiled when I read your comment about telling your husband to hold Caleb quick, while he can, because once you get a hold of him you won't let go. I've got a similar plan in mind! Don't need any friends or family to stop by, because they won't get to the hold the baby!!! :)
So glad to hear all is well with Caleb!
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