Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Anxiousness
I've been feeling slightly more anxious than usual the past couple of days. Everything is 100% fine so far and it's not even just the baby that's got me worried. I've been worried about something happening to me or to Abby or to hubby. I know it's just my anxiety. I have those moments which creep in everytime life is going well. I am great at catastrophizing things. My daughter had a cramp in her leg last night and I immediately started worrying about bone cancer and what if she loses her leg, etc etc. At least I am able to acknowledge my own issues with sanity! I'm a little worried about going off the zoloft next month. Yes, anti depressants/anti anxiety meds like this one are safe to take when pregnant but there are side effects in small percentages. I've been that 1%, not taking any chances! I know what will happen when I go off the meds and how I'm going to feel but it's worth the risk. Even if the "only" side effect Caleb would get was the shakes for a day or two after birth it's not worth it to me. So, psychiatrist and I decided to wean me off of them for the third trimester. I'm not a big fan of this guy, he's just not warm and fuzzy. I just don't want to purge my soul to him. I have kept seeing him because we are on the same wavelength when it comes to protecting the baby. It was actually his suggestion to do this and I feel good about the decision but am nervous. I've been feeling so much better on them. I remember how I felt those early days after Blaine died. I wonder if I have just reached a natural stage of grief or if the meds are responsible for my acceptance. I couldn't think before the meds. I couldn't focus on anything. I couldn't even decide what to make for dinner. I was a total mess. I know I won't be that bad now but I wonder how low I will get.
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2 comments:
After Jacob died, I got even more worried about losing Ted then I was before. Before it occured to me now and then that something could happen to him and the sadness I felt at just the thought of it was profound. Then Jacob died and became terrified that something would happen to Ted. I didn't know how I would survive if I lost him and Jacob.
I think losing someone we love so much really makes us face death, the uncertainty of life, but the certainty that something bad can happen at any time.
I hope that going off the meds goes well. I don't really know how it will affect you of course, but we lost our boys close to each other and I've been noticing that I can concentrate better (although not at my pre-loss level). It could very well be that you ahve just reached this stage, like I have. I'm hoping that is the case.
You can lean on me and all of your other friend. We're here for you.
Thinking of you as make the transition off the meds. Sounds like you are making the best decision for you and Caleb, and that's all we can ever do (our best)! Keep us posted on you how you're feeling.
Much love to you!
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