Apples and Oranges

Last night was a rough night. My energy was totally drained and of course when I get that tired I start to get emotional. Boob man, or Caleb as we call him, basically wanted to eat for 4 hours straight last night. When you're breastfeeding this is tough to say the least. It exhausted me. Good news is that he is up past his birth weight so these marathon sessions are doing him good. Yesterday I sat and relieved the whole labour process. Analyzing it basically. I don't feel bad about any of it. I have my boy home with me so anything that happened at the hospital can stay at the hospital. The thing is I was comparing it to Blaine's birth. Which wasn't really a "birth" at all. And you can't compare the two because one was full term and one wasn't; one was a delivery of a healthy baby boy and the other was the death of a baby for reasons unknown. I know that logically but it still is playing through my mind. All of the things I could have or should have done differently. I never thought to spend time with Blaine, never thought it would hurt me that I didn't; didn't take anything to the hospital with me, no camera, no blankie, nothing. I was completely unprepared. And even the physical part of it. Having now gone through the labour process, all of the signs and symptoms I had with Blaine and didn't recognize at the time. I know I can't beat myself up over what happened. It's not like he cares how his body came into this world. But at emotional times like last night, it's where I go, what I think of. I want a redo. I want to go back to that day knowing what I know now and redo it. As painful as it was. Not that that would really solve anything. It just sucks that the memories I have of that day are ALL bad.