Today was not as bad as I envisioned. I am exhausted though. I wasn't swamped with work, had just enough to fill my plate but not keep me rushing around. Everyone was super nice about me being back. On my way to work there was a cute little boy on the subway with a little mohawk, just like Blaine would have had. It was bittersweet. I realized today that I work with people who actually care about me. It was a nice aha moment. It was good to see my supervisor again cause I think she's pretty awesome and is the only female boss I've ever liked. My manager didn't growl at me or anything. And the couple of close friends I have there gave me big hugs and big welcomes. I got to tell my good friend Lisa all about seeing Blaine and the cremation. She was like "I'm happy for you" and we both looked at each other strange and realized that was kind of morbid but you know what we meant. And this nice Grandpa guy that works there saved my coupons while I was off (he always gives me coupons and newspapers for various things). I took a "picture of Blaine" to work to put on my desk and I know people noticed but no one really commented yet. Maybe they thought I'd start crying or something. I put "picture of Blaine" in quotations cause it's not really a pic of him but one of his name that a nice BLM made for me. It's nice to look up and see his name. I had a bit of trouble with my breathing on the way to work just because I was so nervous about what to expect. Had to leave my desk a couple of times to walk around and breath. But I didn't have any chest pains. No panic attacks. I had one everyday before I was off so this was something special.
I took a preggo test today and of course I am not preggo yet. I'm broke so I was having lunch with my Mom (which she also paid for, subs which I insisted they heat although it turns out I can have all the listeria I want) and said "can you buy me a pregnancy test?" So of course she did. And I rushed in the bathroom but it was a big fat negative. Don't know what AF is up to. I am never ever in my life irregular...maybe it's the Zoloft (did I mention I switched from Prozac to Zoloft?). That's the only thing I can think of. It's got my cycle out of whack. Or maybe it's stress. Or maybe my body isn't ready yet. Or maybe I'm barren.
It got me thinking today about my daughter. If I couldn't have any other kids would she be enough. And the answer is of course. She is more than enough as she is perfect and loving and beautiful and soulful. But although she is more than enough I still want another one. Preferably a boy! But I will take any living baby God gives me.
4 comments:
I started work today for the first time since I lost my daughter Mikayla and was also pleasantly surprised. I think I was so anxious about it last week that I got all of my tears out of the way.
I am glad today was gentle on you. I'm glad you have caring people you work with and who are there for you in the tough time. I'm glad you were able to take a picture up there and have it with you. Right now, it's the little things that help, and we take what we can get.
I have pictures of Bailey on my desk. No one has ever said anything about them, but they are there. They will always be there. Hopefully I can add more pictures of our future babies, but even if there was never another one, Bailey's pictures will go with me where I office.
I'm thinking of you on this first week back. I know it's exhausting, and I know the emotions are high, and I remember those feelings all too well. But, I just wanted you to know, you are on my mind.
Sending you lots of hugs my friend!
I'm glad the day went better than you expected it to. My first day back was scary, but the anticipation was worse than being back actually was.
That is a great idea to put a picture of Blaine's name at your desk. I have an ultrasound picture up, but I get really sad everytime I look at it so maybe a picture of Jacob's name would be better.
Thinking of you....
I'm glad your day was better than expected too. I remember I dreaded going back to work since the day I lost Alexandra and then my first day back, it wasn't bad at all. I love that you have a picture of Blaine's name at your desk. XO
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