GPS

Today I feel some resolve. Maybe it's just another day on the Scrambler. I just feel today that I can't wallow in this anymore. I can't spend hours a day on the computer reading about dead babies. I can't keep reliving my son's birth/death over and over in my head...the sights the smells the sounds. I have to start moving on. I thought that that's what I was doing but have realized over the past couple of days that I really haven't been doing that at all. I understand that this has changed me forever. I understand that I will never "get over" it. But I have to get on. I have to find some peace. Easier said than done right? I feel stuck. I know where I have to get to but don't know how to get there. My internal GPS is busted. I can see myself in the future, healthy and happy with Big Sis and hopefully a new baby. I can see myself being sad and missing Blaine but not being overcome. I can visualize myself being strong and telling my kids about their brother in Heaven without wanting to scream and rip out my hair. I can see it and I want it. I just don't know how to get it. I'm like a rabbit running for a carrot. I can see it in my sights but the faster I run the further away the carrot seems to get.