We have finally had a real snowfall here. So far winter has been a treat, mild and not too much snow or rain. I'm not a winter person. Sounds strange coming from someone who wants to move up north and leave the city life behind. It's not the snow so much but the cold and the slush and ice. Yesterday and today were the first times this year I really got to see Abby play in the snow. Making snow angels and having a snowball fight. I imagine Blaine here with us. Just 4 months old. Sitting up in his stroller in awe at his big, snow covered, frolicking sister. Daddy and sis would be tobagganing and Blaine and I would be sitting at the top of the hill, most likely I would be sipping a cup of timmies hot chocolate. He'd have the cutest little snowsuit. I'd sit him down in the snow to take photos and he'd just be mesmerized by this cold wet white stuff. I'm sure he'd try to stick some in his mouth. Daddy and I would disagree over whether he was big enough to sit on Daddy's lap and go down the hill. I would say no because I'm anxious but Daddy would insist, wanting to give his boy every experience. Then we'd come home and Blaine and I would be pooped. We'd have a nice afternoon nap cuddled up together.
What should have been.
I had the worst dream the other night. I was at my mom's house (bad enough!) and was going to the bathroom (doesn't my horror always start on the toilet). I looked down and there was a lot of blood. I didn't even pull anything up I just walked out of the bathroom and collapsed and started screaming and crying. It was so real and so vivid. Luckily while I have intense dreams I'm also aware that I am dreaming. So my conscious was able to calm my dream self down and remind me I was just dreaming it wasn't real. I woke myself up and said a little prayer and rubbed my belly. The next day though I was so scared to go to the bathroom. I kept thinking what if the dream was a premonition. But then I was scared to hold it because I don't want to get a bladder infection! I have an ultrasound on Wednesday and it will be a relief to see Caleb. I only get one more after that and then I go to a monthly u/s schedule instead of every two weeks. So, I'll go again at 28 weeks and 32 weeks. And then Sasquatch says it's not really necessary, if everything is still 100% good. 28 weeks. That's the next milestone I want to reach. I just realized yesterday I have passed another. I am past 20 weeks now. Caleb is legally a human being now! If I have to go to the hospital at any point now I will go to the maternity triage not the ER. That was a relief to me for some reason because Blaine was just 17 weeks and "not a human" or "not a person" however the gov't and abortionists want to put it. At least now if something bad did happen Caleb's life would be officially recognized. I don't know why that's important to me.
Since the Creme de la Creme I've gotten some new followers. Thank you all for coming over and sharing in Blaine's life with me. Please do not be insulted if I do not return the favour right away. It isn't because I don't care about you or your children. I'm just at a point in my pregnancy where every time I hear about something bad happening I worry it's going to happen to me. I have an anxiety disorder already and a subsequent pregnancy after unexplained loss hasn't helped that any!! When I am confident that Caleb will come home I will certainly catch up on all you and your stories. Hope you understand.
3 comments:
I just loved your thoughts about how Blaine would be enjoying the snow...how sweet. I am actually at a point now where I can have those thoughts and sometimes (not all the time) have a little smile on my face instead of just breaking down in tears.
Congrats on another milestone. I never knew before becoming a BLM that some people don't consider babies "human" until after 20 weeks, it just seems so ridiculous to me. But I can see how that would offer some peace of mind, I think it's sad that any mother even has to go through that
I can just imagine you all out togganning and how nice it qould have been.
instead of taking Jacob out for a walk, all dressed up and taking his first pictures in the snow, I have been outside writing baby's names in the snow. I'll send you a picture of Blaine's name once I get them all loaded on the computer.
I totally understand why 20 weeks is so important. I was 'lucky' and was just over 20 weeks when we found out that Jacob had died, so I got to be in Labour and Delivery. I didn't get any official recognition of birth from the province, but the hospital gave me an informal one, which was nice. I also have all the paperwork from the funeral home too.
I would be scared to read new blogs too. When I was pregnant with Jacob, even before I knew anything was wrong, I was scared to read anything about miscarriage or all the problems that a baby can have. It felt like if I didn't read it, it was less likely to happen to me or something. So much for that!
I think of you everyday and am hoping and praying that you will be bringing Caleb out tobaggoning next year.
The only thing you have to worry about is focusing on yourself, pregnancy after a loss is like asking for a non-stop rollercoaster ride of stress that can last for 40 weeks! On one hand, I would be deliriously happy to find myself pregnant again- of course, that would be followed by a TOTAL FREAK OUT :) I too have an anxiety disorder and I know it will be a struggle being pregnant again, especially since my pre-pregancy meds aren't safe to be taken while pregnant. The fact that you were able to calm your "dream" self down is a really good skill to have if your an anxious person. Otherwise they interrupt your day too and make it harder as well.
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