Sometimes that's what I feel like has happened. I find myself daydreaming about the baby or talking about the baby and I will inevitably slip up and call him Blaine. I know this is a different baby, a different soul. He'll have a whole other personality of his own. One fine day I will get to be with all three of my kids. But sometimes it seems like this is the same pregnancy. Like it just took a four month break or got interrupted by something. Maybe it's because it was just 4 months in between. That's not long in the grand scheme of things although when testing every month it seemed like forever. Four months is really nothing. It's already been one month since Christmas. Maybe it's because Blaine is unfinished business. When you get pregnant there's a timeline that you're supposed to progress through. That timeline ends with the bringing home of baby. But when you don't get to do that it's like you never finished. You're just stuck somewhere in between morning sickness (1st trimester) and heartburn (3rd). So now being further along with Caleb than I was with Blaine makes me slip up sometimes. My body and mind are going through the things now that got cut short back then. Luckily all of this has just happened in my head or else I know people will start to worry.
Worry. Another topic. Some douchebag at work today told me I looked "swollen" and asked me how my blood pressure was. Thanks for giving me something to worry about all freaking morning! Finally I just asked my supervisor if she thought I looked swollen and she said no. So then I relaxed because she wouldn't lie to me and she would notice cause she notices everything! NEWSFLASH if someone you know is pregnant after having lost a child do not point out things that could be wrong with them!!!! I feel like I'm becoming a drama queen and I desperately do not want to. I don't want to be one of those people that have a coronary over every little thing. I see them all the time, I work with a whole bunch of them! But this past week I have been. I have blown up and cried and gone on and on about every little thing. I'm blaming the hormones for now and not accepting that this may be a new personality trait.
5 comments:
Ok, I just read up on your blogs and about Blaine and you are NOT going to believe this...I'm talking super erie work of God stuff here.
On the night of April 12, 2010 I lost my baby girl at 6 weeks gestation...our Dr.s papers list April 13 since that was the day I went in and it was confirmed.
And I'm pregnant again...with a little boy who is due March 27th.
It is so awesome and such a blessing to read your blogs about the exact same things I am going through right now. Not something you experienced a few years ago, but at the same time. I understand your fears, anxieties, frustrations...and it is so nice to read that I'm not the only one.
Oh, and I have son who is 6 and so much like your little girl. He tells me all the time that we have 3 babies...he has a sister...literally gets mad if he hears me leave my daughters name out in some way.
Thank you for making me not feel so alone.
PS.
My 6 year old's birthday...Sept. 17th.
Creepy.
When I was pregnant with Cub, I called him/her Jacob. I just figured it was because that was what I was used to calling a baby. Now that you said that the first pregnancy was unfinished busines...it has spread a whole new light on it now. I think that is why we do it.
I blame the hormones. I cried at the drop of a hat when I was pregnant with Jacob...commercials, songs....you name it. And I cried even more with Cub because of the hormones and because I just had more to cry about.
I too am having trouble separating this pregnancy from Acacia's... despite much more time in between my pregnancies. I like your idea of unfinished business.
Just today I was thinking about names for this baby. And I was really stuck on Acacia's name. I know this baby isn't Acacia, and I know we'll pick this baby's name, but I'm having some kind of block or resistance around that. I think part of that for me is I haven't thought of the "perfect" name yet. Guess we'll have to wait and see what me and my husband figure out!
I called Carly by Emma's name a couple times when I was pregnant with her and my husband did it after she was born. I think it is a natural thing and I know it is something that my friends do. They call their child by another child's name and all their children are living. It doesn't mean that one child is replacing the other. We love all of our children the same even if they are not all in our arms. xo
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