Dear Blaine, it's hard to believe tomorrow is our nine month anniversary. It still feels so wrong. I should have carried you for nine months and then brought you home. Instead I have been living without you. I am so lucky to have your sister. She unknowingly has been a rock for me. And I know how blessed I am to be carrying your little brother. I still have not quite come to terms with the fact that I am carrying a child that only exists because you are not here. I wonder what your personality is like and if he will be similar. I don't really wonder how he'll feel learning about you, the one that came before. I know you will always just be a part of his life. He will probably think it's strange that other kids don't have big brothers in heaven! I know sis thinks it's special that she has her own angel. Even though I know I've lost track of how many weeks it's been and I don't formally recognize every passing month. But you know I think about it and I feel like I need to do something special tomorrow. Not a public thing. Just something for you and me. Like sis and I have our girly days. Not that nine months is really a landmark but it just seems a little more significant than eight or ten. It also brings me closer to a day I dread. Three months from tomorrow will be one year. I feel the dread already. I don't know what to do for you. I don't know how to celebrate or mourn the birthday of a baby that isn't with me. I know I have to do something. If I don't make it special I know I will end up sitting at home going insane. And I've been there done that!
Love you B, today, tomorrow and always.
1 comment:
I just read Blaine's story. 9 months was very hard for me too. I love all the photos of his name.
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