Today we attended a dove release organized by PBSO. They are a bereavement group that hubby and I attend twice a month. I have really enjoyed going to this group and the other parents are very supportive and kind. Hubby and I were joined by Big Sis, Grandma (my mom) and one of my good friends who is also my daughter's Godmother and would have been one of Blaine's "Aunties." It was a really sweet event. We walked through the graveyard, quite a walk actually since we didn't really know where we were going. We joined with the group and then we all walked to the Children's Memorial Garden. The background of this garden is heartbreaking and makes me all the more fortunate to have had my miracle reunion with Blaine's body. Back around 40 - 60 years ago, maybe longer, hospitals would take the babies that died and bury them all in the same spot in this graveyard. The graves are unmarked and the hospitals didn't keep records. So, they're not quite sure how many babies are there or who they belong to. One woman, 45 years ago, lost her preemie son. He lived for 4 days. She was not allowed to see him or hold him. When he died the doctors told her he would be buried in a coffin with a woman who had just died. Can you imagine? She was obviously upset about this and didn't give up. She found out the truth, that her son has been buried somewhere in this plot with all of these other babies. So, she set out on a mission of her own. She created the garden in memory of all of these lost children. It's very sad and you really feel as you walk towards it that you are somewhere sacred. I can't imagine living back then. When the doctors decided when or if you'd see your child, where your child would be buried and whether or not they told you the truth. It's really disgusting but I understand it was a different time and different mentality. I just know how it feels to not know where your child's body is. And it almost drove me mad. I read a poem at the release and only cried a little! I read the poem from Blaine's memorial card. My daughter stood beside me and she left a teddy bear in the garden, she said "we're leaving it for Blaine." I met a fellow BLM there who I only know on FB. And most of our support group was there. So, it was a comfortable place to be. Afterwards we went and visited my maternal grandparents who are buried at the cemetary. No one has visited them in 23 years so we couldn't even find the plaque it was covered in grass. But hubby found it and unearthed it. We agreed to come back in the spring and clean it up and bring flowers. I don't know where my grandparents souls are but I really hope they're with Blaine.
It was a good peaceful day and I liked spending it focused on him. I do feel like I neglected the little bean inside me though. I walked way too much and haven't eaten much today so I have to spend tonight on her (I've decided I'm having a girl, I knew at about this time with Abby and Blaine too so I'm sure I'm right). I'm still deciding how much of the bean to discuss on here. I want to keep this Blaine's place. His "blogshrine." But I can't deny the fact that much of my thoughts and feelings about this pregnancy stem from losing Blaine. I also want to be sensitive to people reading this. But I can't write for a reader, I have to write for myself. So, I will have to figure it out as I go along.
Thank you to Jill for giving me the One Lovely Blog Award!! I'm deciding whether this entitles me to choose ten more!!
3 comments:
I'm glad the day was peaceful. It is so heartbreaking to imagine how many babies are buried there and the heartbreak of their families. I have often wondered how women got through it years ago when they often weren't allowed to see their babies and were often told to forget about them and not to talk about them. I can't imagine getting through this without having my time with Jacob and without finding other BLMs to talk to. I really just don't know how Mom's back then did it.
The Mom you met who lost her son 45 years ago is an inspiration.
Congratulations on your new little one. I've often wondered what I'll do with my blog when I am pregnant again. I have all the same concerns you do. I have thought about changing the name of the blog to something that includes all my children, but then I feel like I am taking that away from Jacob.
That sounds like a peaceful experience, I'm glad you had the opportunity to remember Blaine in that way. I, too, cannot even imagine what those poor mothers may have gone through...and in many ways still go through on a daily basis not being able to have had any sort of closure with their babies death.
Congrats on your pregnancy as well...I must have missed that in another post. Best wishes!
Again congrats on the little bean. I know a few other women have one blog for their "rainbow baby" and a blog for their angel. Just a thought ;) though I am sure you have seen that too. Much love <3 <3
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