Day 15 and Day 16

I have my original list of questions at work so I took these off of someone else's blog and they're slightly different but the gist is the same.

Day 15: describe your house or dream house: The house I live in right now is actually an apartment. It's alright. Quiet building on a quiet street. Fairly clean, which says a lot for Toronto. My dream house would be a 3 hour drive north of here. My own personal Disney, Kearney. I love the town, the people, the slow movement. I love being by the water and the hills. I love being close to Algonquin Park, walking outside and seeing a chipmunk or a rabbit or even a snake. My father in law has even seen deers and bears right outside his window. One time they were barbequing and a bear decided to come by for dinner. That's how outdoors it is! And while I was raised in the city I am a country girl in my heart. If it were up to me I'd build a big farmhouse, we'd have animals and I'd drive a big pink pickup truck! My kids would milk cows and gather eggs. We'd swim in the lake every summer day and in our indoor pool on the winter ones. No stress, no traffic, no smog, no gangs, no subway cars. Just life at it's finest.

Day 16: a song that makes you cry: "The Dance" by Garth Brooks. I hadn't listened to this song in many years, probably since it was on the radio whenever it is that it came out. But it came into my mind after Blaine and I associate it with him now. I don't cry every time I hear it but sometimes it still makes me weep. Not always with sadness, sometimes with joy. Joy that I didn't miss the dance (holding you I held everything). Joy that I had him, even for a short time (for a moment wasn't I the King). Joy that I am a better person now because of what I have survived (I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end). As much as we don't want to hear it at the time, good things do come out of it. There is a purpose in our tragedy (our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss The Dance.)

Today we are going over to a friends house for a end of baseball season bbq. Yes, I married a jock. I have mixed feelings about this. The wife and I were pregnant at the same time. Her baby is alive. He was born shortly before Blaine's due date. He is unfortunately sick and I know they're having a hard time handling it. My heart goes out to them. I can't imagine caring for a sick child. To not be able to take their pain away. On the other hand though there is a part of me that says "suck it up." He's alive. They got to bring him home. They don't have to wear his ashes in a pendant around their neck. They don't have to explain to their older child that the baby died and sometimes life sucks that way. So, I'm worried about going because while I want to be supportive and be a friend I really don't want to hear any complaining about how hard it is. Yes I know it's difficult taking a child to the doctor and having tests and possible operations and not knowing when they will be better. But it's even harder leaving the hospital empty handed after 31 hours of labour, making cremation arrangements, picking the ashes up, telling everyone you know that you're not pregnant anymore, and then trying and trying to get pregnant again in a desperate attempt to have a living child. Neither situation is fair to a parent but I certainly know which shoe I'd choose.