Making Plans That Should Never be Made

Yesterday and today I did what a Mother should never have to do. But I thank God for the opportunity. I went to the local funeral home yesterday and made the arrangements to have Blaine picked up from the hospital and cremated. We have chosen two pendants, one of a mother and child for me, and one of a baseball for hubby, to carry our son's ashes. There will not be enough left over for an urn but I will probably get this one I found anyway. I can always keep the pendants inside when they're not being worn. I have felt such enormous guilt and now I feel like the worst is behind me. I can breath again. This morning I had to go back to pay for the services. It was not half as costly as I imagined it would be, another blessing, since I'm broke! My mother came with me today. She was surprisingly supportive. Not that she isn't supportive but our family doesn't really deal with emotional stuff well. I tend to shut down, my mom falls apart and my dad withdraws. But we have come together for Blaine. My dad worried that this would make me feel worse but I explained that this is actually healing me in a way. My mom wanted to go in the chapel after we paid the director. So, we went in and she said a little prayer for our family and for Blaine. We talked about all of the loving people we know that Blaine has joined in Heaven. My old dog Sadie (yes, all dogs go to Heaven!), my cousin Lindsay who passed away from brain tumours at the age of 13, my Aunt Mary and my Grandmother. I said Blaine was probably playing catch with Sadie as we speak. I told my mom about all of the online BLM I know and I think Blaine has lots of friends up there. The funeral home will pick Blaine up today and I may go and spend some time with him this afternoon before they take him to the crematorium. He will be placed in a small white casket. If I get to see him before he goes I want to put a lock of my hair in with him and maybe a photo of our family. I have no explanation as to why the hospital kept him embalmed in the lab for all this time but I am thankful for it and will definitely not be complaining. It was a gift from my God. He knew in time I would need this. We have decided not to have a service. It would be more costly and other than me and hubby and my parents I can't think of anyone who would want to come. It's been three months and everyone else has moved on. I may do a balloon release on my due date which is fast approaching. I don't feel like I need a big service though. I just want to bring my boy home.