I was just reading on another BLM blog about this topic as well. And it has had me thinking all day too. I have been on this scrambler ride a lot the past two weeks. I think I've seen as many highs and lows in the past 14 days as I did in the 14 days right after Blaine's birth/death. I am trying so hard to give up this grief. Saying that reminds me of the expression "give up the ghost." I believe it was used to describe the moment a person died. Seems fitting. My faith in God has never been what I would call strong. I have never loved him as much as he loves me. I have lived a pretty wishy washy Christian life. But the faith is there. I've never doubted his existence even when I was doubting his presence in my life. I have no doubts at all that he is with me. That he sustains me through the darkest moments. He cares for me and loves me. Most importantly he is now caring for and loving my Blaine. He is watching my son til it is my time to go home. And home I will go. I have no doubt of that. I like in The Shack how Jesus tells Mack that he would have done it, even if it was just for him. He would have died, even just for Mack. Even just for me. Since I had my daughter I've always had a feeling that maybe He loves me just a little more than he loves everyone else. :) I tell my daughter I don't know how I got so lucky that God sent me his best angel. Home I will go one day to be with my son and my Creator. No doubt.
So, why can't I let go of this cross I bear (no better word came to mind)? Why can't I just release this pain into his much more capable hands? My anxiety, my stress, my grief. I just want to give it up to God. I want him to take it from me and carry it as he has carried my spirit. I know he'll do it. He's right there beside me trying but I keep grabbing it back from him and foolishly thinking I can manage on my own. Foolishly trying to control it. Because I think if I can control everything around me then I can stop any bad things from happening. But I can't. And that's not his will. His will is for me to let it go. He is beside me telling me "give it to me." "Give me your pain and I will suffer in your place." "Give me your grief and I will mourn for you." "Give me your broken heart and I will heal you, I will patch it up and make it whole." And I want to I really do I just can't seem to. I think I have and then it all comes back to me.
And that is what I am dealing with now.
3 comments:
I struggle with this too. I know I don't have the control and that I should just give all of it up to God, but it is very hard to do. Going through this has both challenged my faith and brought me closer to it as well.
I struggle with this too, but have never been able to put it into words. I'm a little confused about His role in all this and as a result our relationship is different than what it was. It's hard to have faith and trust in Him through this. And I really don't want to give up my grief. I like it where it is, even though it is so heavy and I really should give it to Him.
i try so much to believe as you have said, and yet i find myself believing the opposite most of the time - that he must love me LESS than anyone else, otherwise why wouldn't he let me keep my son?
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