False Alarm

What a day. Actually today wasn't that bad as I slept most of my troubles away. Had to get up early to go to the ultrasound at the hospital. Which was a drama because my doctor forgot to send in the requisition. So, I had to yell at the woman at the desk "I may be having a miscarriage and I need an ultrasound today!!" Needless to say I got the ultrasound. And I'm not pregnant. I had a cyst in my uterus which caused my body to think it was an implanted egg. So, positive preggo test and no Aunt Flo. But the cyst burst on it's own and that's why I started bleeding yesterday. The technician was really nice. She explained it all to me although she couldn't explain why I got a cyst or if it will come back. I am somewhat relieved. It was obvious this morning that if I was pregnant I wouldn't be by tomorrow. So, at least I'm not having a loss. And at least this cyst went away on it's own. And at least the tech was able to tell me that I have perfect ovaries and a healthy looking uterus. I am very sad that I'm not pregnant. A week of dreaming up in smoke. I realized this week though that I am looking for a Blaine substitute. And I wondered if I would be able to love this baby on it's own merit. Or if I will always think of the next baby as the one after Blaine. The one sent to replace the boy I want but can't have. Logically that sounds silly to me and I know that I would love my child to death (wrong choice of word maybe) no matter what. I worried when I first got pregnant with Blaine that I would not be able to love him as much as my daughter. But it is equal. So, I know those thoughts were just a worrying momma. I had the most amazing dream last night that I adopted a baby boy named Pablo. Yes Pablo! (if you watch General Hospital you'd get it) It was such a sweet dream. Pablo was 3 years old and had been living on his own since his parents abandoned him at the age of 1. He called me Momma right away. He loved me. It was a nice dream to have and I really needed a nice dream after the night I had.
I want to thank all of you for the comforting words you sent my way. Thank you for the encouragement and the prayers. I was reading an article a couple of days about the scientifically proven power of prayer. Yes, scientifically proven. I'm no good at remembering where I read things so I can't post it here. Prayer is the one thing I can never get enough of. Thank you all. Thanks to Kendra and Julie for doing pics of Blaine's name for me this week. I really needed them. You all are awesome and I hope we all have our Rainbow (I prefer the term Pheonix though) babies soon!! Thanks Maggie for being my support through the days at work this week when I thought I was pregnant and needed encouragment. Turns out it was a false alarm but thanks for being there anyway!! Hopefully soon I will need you again.