Cue ominous music. Approaching doom. That's how I feel. I was feeling so up and lately am feeling so down again. I know why and I know what's coming. It's like I'm standing in the middle of the street watching an 18 wheeler approach and I want to jump out of the way but I can't. My 18 wheeler is September 18th. Saturday September 18th. Blaine's expected due date. While I know logically he would most likely not be born right on that day it is still significant. Significant because all of my plans for 2010 revolved around that day. I shouldn't have to go to work tomorrow. I should be on maternity leave. I should be seeing my doctor every week now. I should be big and fat and waddling like a duck. I should be getting looks of pity because I am so hot and uncomfortable, not because I have a dead son. My daughter should have had her last day at daycare today. I was going to send her with money to order pizza for everyone. I wanted so bad for Blaine to come before the first day of school so he and I could walk Sissy to school everyday. I got half of what I wished for. He did come before the first day of school. But I will be working and he is dead so Sissy must go to daycare and they will walk her to school. I want to do something special. I had these wild plans in my head months ago about throwing a sort of baby shower on his day but one with donations to dead baby charities instead of gifts. Or I would gather friends and family together and have a balloon release. But I haven't planned anything and besides that who would come. September 18th will be 5 months and 5 days. Everyone has moved on. They moved on at 5 days never mind 5 months. I am the only one stuck here waiting to get hit by a truck, bracing for an impact I know is coming. Haven't planned anything and will most likely spend the day either just like an average Saturday...or alternatively curled up in a ball refusing to leave my bed. I don't know which sounds worse at this point.
I really am trying not to be so Eeyore. I really am. I just have to wallow once in awhile. After one stillbirth (I've officially decided that's what I'm calling it now..regardless of age 31 hours of labour is not a miscarriage) and two "possible" miscarriages in 4 months I think I deserve to wallow once in awhile.
Good news for today: my sugar fairy gave me lots of chocolate today. He must know I hate Tuesdays.
4 comments:
Many, many hugs to you. Significant dates are really hard as they approach, but I have found that the anticipation leading up to them is much harder than the days themselves. Keeping you in my thoughts.
I'm so sorry that Blaine isn't here on or around his due date. I know how hard that date is...make sure you spend some time for yourself and honor your baby however you see fit. You have every right to feel and be like Eeyore. No one should feel the way we all do, but unfortunately, it's the life we lead. Do what's best for you!! By the way, I love Blaine's icon with his friends. Super cute! Hugs to you, hun....
My due date is October 14, but I am already dreading it. I will be thinking about you and Blaine even more than I usually do on Sept 18th.
You definitely deserve to wallow. We all do and I don't think anyone can fault us for that. I'm so sorry that this Fall didn't turn out the way it should have for you.
You and Blaine with especially be on my mind the 18th, as you are everyday. I know how difficult the due date is (as you know).
I wish things were different. I wish Blaine was with you now, doing all the things you planned.
I hate the unfairness of it all.
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