Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?
I actually hope not. I like to think he's up there living his own life not watching me. I have an idea in my head of what Heaven is like. I don't think he has the time to spend watching over me and making sure I'm okay. And that's not his job. That being said, it is nice to see a sign once in awhile or feel a breeze on my face or other reminders and think to myself "he's here."
Monday, October 17, 2011
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Alone Time
Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?
It's ironic that this question is coming up today. Last night I tried desperateley to have a bath by myself. I love baths, I'm a dolphin at heart. I didn't take them when I was pregnant with Caleb because I was afraid of getting water and germs "up there." And I haven't taken one since Caleb because our bathtub needs to be reenamaled. At my parents house yesterday I was determined. I fed Caleb, got him settled, cleaned out the tub and settled into a hot bubble bath. It lasted about 3 minutes. Abby and her grandma started arguing so she came into the bathroom. And then I remembered it was almost 9pm and they needed baths too so I ended up bringing Caleb in with me and then Abby.
I do TRY to take time to myself and am planning a much needed spa trip for my bday next month. Otherwise the only time I really get is when Caleb is sleeping or I go to the store by myself.
After Blaine was born I really loved my Thursday nights. Well loved and hated. It was my time to really grieve. Hubby was at baseball and I would put Abby to bed at 8pm and I would sit at the computer and read poems, read blogs, google photos of fetuses at 17 week gestation, etc. I would just cry my eyes out and it felt so so good.
Thank you to everyone who remembered us yesterday. I had 23 notifications in my FB just now and several emails as well. You are all one of the many blessings God has given me.
It's ironic that this question is coming up today. Last night I tried desperateley to have a bath by myself. I love baths, I'm a dolphin at heart. I didn't take them when I was pregnant with Caleb because I was afraid of getting water and germs "up there." And I haven't taken one since Caleb because our bathtub needs to be reenamaled. At my parents house yesterday I was determined. I fed Caleb, got him settled, cleaned out the tub and settled into a hot bubble bath. It lasted about 3 minutes. Abby and her grandma started arguing so she came into the bathroom. And then I remembered it was almost 9pm and they needed baths too so I ended up bringing Caleb in with me and then Abby.
I do TRY to take time to myself and am planning a much needed spa trip for my bday next month. Otherwise the only time I really get is when Caleb is sleeping or I go to the store by myself.
After Blaine was born I really loved my Thursday nights. Well loved and hated. It was my time to really grieve. Hubby was at baseball and I would put Abby to bed at 8pm and I would sit at the computer and read poems, read blogs, google photos of fetuses at 17 week gestation, etc. I would just cry my eyes out and it felt so so good.
Thank you to everyone who remembered us yesterday. I had 23 notifications in my FB just now and several emails as well. You are all one of the many blessings God has given me.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
October 15th - Int'l Wave of Light
Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?
Unfortunately nothing. I will be at my parents overnight and that's not really a babylost friendly enviroment. My dear friend Dana, mother to Jacob, Cub, August, Madeleine and Emma Grace, will light a candle in honour of Blaine. I am so blessed to have so many friends on FB who have all taken time to remember Blaine this month. Amber, mother to Eli, made a beautiful video for all of us and included Blaine in it. I think she included over 130 babies. Far far too many lost babies. And there have been so many status updates and notes where he has been mentioned. I feel like a very lucky person right now.
If you don't know what Oct 15th is you can find info here... http://www.october15th.com/ or here... http://www.iamtheface.org/
Unfortunately nothing. I will be at my parents overnight and that's not really a babylost friendly enviroment. My dear friend Dana, mother to Jacob, Cub, August, Madeleine and Emma Grace, will light a candle in honour of Blaine. I am so blessed to have so many friends on FB who have all taken time to remember Blaine this month. Amber, mother to Eli, made a beautiful video for all of us and included Blaine in it. I think she included over 130 babies. Far far too many lost babies. And there have been so many status updates and notes where he has been mentioned. I feel like a very lucky person right now.
If you don't know what Oct 15th is you can find info here... http://www.october15th.com/ or here... http://www.iamtheface.org/
Friday, October 14, 2011
18 Months of Change
wow. Yesterday was 18 months since Blaine left earth. 18 months. It seems like such a short time and like forever, all at once. A whole year and a half has passed and I found myself doing a lot of reflection yesterday. The person I was and am now. I am more sensitive now, softer. It may not seem that way when I'm having a bitter rant but it's true. I'm more self conscious now. I don't fully trust myself, my decisions, my body, the way I used to. I've always been logical, realistic, sometimes even cold (at least my mother says I'm cold), able to turn off my emotions (at least to those who don't know me). But now I find I am even more of these things. I have no naivete left in me. Even though I feel more emotions now and more love for so many people I am also much more capable of outwardly turning that all off when I feel I need to protect it. I've learnt a lot about life, love, heartache, friendship, family, values, God, myself, and a host of other things. I would never say I'm glad I lost Blaine but I am glad I am who I am now. I am glad for the lessons I've been taught. As much as we never want to say "God has a plan" or "There's a reason for the pain" and I would certainly never say that to someone who just lost a child, in my case it was true. I feel I have more purpose now. I'm a better mother, wife, friend. I can't honestly say I appreciate everyday and never complain but I am now looking at my life through glasses of gratitude. I'll be 33 years old next month and I feel I learnt a whole lifetime of lessons in 18 months.
Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel.
We have a memory box for Blaine's things. I have some scrapbook pages. I blog about him (obviously). I make sure that when it counts he is counted.
Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel.
We have a memory box for Blaine's things. I have some scrapbook pages. I blog about him (obviously). I make sure that when it counts he is counted.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
31 Day Challenge for Mothers of Loss
Day 13: Does anyone else besides you speak your child's name?
All of you. Just me, my hubby, daughter and Blaine's friends Momma's. And I've realized that's got to be enough.
Just to give a little update on us. Caleb is blossoming wonderfully. He is 4 and a half months old now! He is teething big time and is right on the verge of crawling. He's dragged himself forward a couple of times and rolls everywhere. No more napping on the bed by himself! I figure about another two weeks and he'll be crawling. Right on schedule with the way Abby developed at that age. He is soo ready to eat. But I am waiting for 6 months, breastfeeding exclusively at this point. It's going shockingly well. I figured I'd have more problems but he is just a natural eater. He watches me eat everytime and is so interested in food. We're skipping the cereal and going straight to veggies at 6 months. The Dr. agreed the cereal is really just pointless if he's being b/f. I'm trying to make sure he feels none of my anxiety, making him feel as secure as possible even if I'm not. So, we b/f, babywear and cosleep. That way he knows he's safe and never alone. He's a happy little man and we're all totally in love with him.
Even when he's teething he's a charmer
All of you. Just me, my hubby, daughter and Blaine's friends Momma's. And I've realized that's got to be enough.
Just to give a little update on us. Caleb is blossoming wonderfully. He is 4 and a half months old now! He is teething big time and is right on the verge of crawling. He's dragged himself forward a couple of times and rolls everywhere. No more napping on the bed by himself! I figure about another two weeks and he'll be crawling. Right on schedule with the way Abby developed at that age. He is soo ready to eat. But I am waiting for 6 months, breastfeeding exclusively at this point. It's going shockingly well. I figured I'd have more problems but he is just a natural eater. He watches me eat everytime and is so interested in food. We're skipping the cereal and going straight to veggies at 6 months. The Dr. agreed the cereal is really just pointless if he's being b/f. I'm trying to make sure he feels none of my anxiety, making him feel as secure as possible even if I'm not. So, we b/f, babywear and cosleep. That way he knows he's safe and never alone. He's a happy little man and we're all totally in love with him.
Even when he's teething he's a charmer
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Family
Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?
I'm sure they dealt with MY LOSS the best way they thought THEY COULD HANDLE. lol No, not at all bitter. At first they were very supportive. They all came to the hospital, took me home, made sure I was doing okay. My Dad even called me the next day to tell me he loved me which is not really something we do in our family. My Mom checked on me a couple of days later and brought me a thermometer so I could make sure I didn't get a fever. And then nothing. And more nothing. When we got Blaine's body my Mom came to the funeral home with me and paid for the services. She prayed with me in the chapel. And then nothing. They haven't mentioned him since and that was 14 months ago. No mention of him at Christmas or on his birthday. I don't know if they just assume I'm over it or if they're just over it. My daughter actually brought it up to my Mom after Caleb was born. Telling her how she has three grandchildren now. At first my Mom was like "huh" and then clicked in.
As for in laws I didn't expect much anyway. They're not the emotional or talking type. Conversations are either gossiping about someone else's life or jokingly making fun of each other about something. I'm sure I've been the topic of much gossip and I have no doubt some of them think I deserve what I got.
The thing I was amazed by most was that I received the most love from people who I didn't expect it from. Acquaintances, people at work, our martial arts instructors (Ma'am and Sir as we call them), and of course all of my new online family (sisters in grief). That's my family now, that's the family my children deserve to be in.
Speaking of marital arts, I had my workout this morning. I had a complete flashback. We were doing a certain exercise that we haven't done, or at least I haven't, in awhile. In fact I remembered as I was doing it that the last time was when I was pregnant with Blaine. I vividly remembered exactly what I was wearing and how I went extra slow just to make sure I didn't fall. And then of course it crossed my mind, "did this cause it?" I'm happy to say I was able to keep it together and not show on the outside that suddenly my mind and heart were flipped upside down.
I'm sure they dealt with MY LOSS the best way they thought THEY COULD HANDLE. lol No, not at all bitter. At first they were very supportive. They all came to the hospital, took me home, made sure I was doing okay. My Dad even called me the next day to tell me he loved me which is not really something we do in our family. My Mom checked on me a couple of days later and brought me a thermometer so I could make sure I didn't get a fever. And then nothing. And more nothing. When we got Blaine's body my Mom came to the funeral home with me and paid for the services. She prayed with me in the chapel. And then nothing. They haven't mentioned him since and that was 14 months ago. No mention of him at Christmas or on his birthday. I don't know if they just assume I'm over it or if they're just over it. My daughter actually brought it up to my Mom after Caleb was born. Telling her how she has three grandchildren now. At first my Mom was like "huh" and then clicked in.
As for in laws I didn't expect much anyway. They're not the emotional or talking type. Conversations are either gossiping about someone else's life or jokingly making fun of each other about something. I'm sure I've been the topic of much gossip and I have no doubt some of them think I deserve what I got.
The thing I was amazed by most was that I received the most love from people who I didn't expect it from. Acquaintances, people at work, our martial arts instructors (Ma'am and Sir as we call them), and of course all of my new online family (sisters in grief). That's my family now, that's the family my children deserve to be in.
Speaking of marital arts, I had my workout this morning. I had a complete flashback. We were doing a certain exercise that we haven't done, or at least I haven't, in awhile. In fact I remembered as I was doing it that the last time was when I was pregnant with Blaine. I vividly remembered exactly what I was wearing and how I went extra slow just to make sure I didn't fall. And then of course it crossed my mind, "did this cause it?" I'm happy to say I was able to keep it together and not show on the outside that suddenly my mind and heart were flipped upside down.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Day 11
Day 11: It is said that Father's and Mother's grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angel's father?
I do and not because I think the pain is any less. I think men often feel it is their role to stay strong and take care of the woman. I know my husband did. I think his main focus after we lost Blaine was to make sure that I was okay and that I had what I needed. Whether it was random hugs and kisses or nightly massages or asking me a hundred times a day if I was okay, he made me his focus. He still grieved and cried and went through all of the emotions that I did but he was more private with his feelings and held them in a bit more. I also think men are not raised to believe it's okay to publicly express their hurt or to talk about it openly, even in a group of other parents. Even yesterday when we were at my sister in laws house my daughter was smothering my son with kisses and the aunt said "he won't want you to kiss him so much one day." And I said "yes he would because I'm raising him to be affectionate." And she replied that he would get beat up by his friends if he was that affectionate. That's the problem right there.
I do and not because I think the pain is any less. I think men often feel it is their role to stay strong and take care of the woman. I know my husband did. I think his main focus after we lost Blaine was to make sure that I was okay and that I had what I needed. Whether it was random hugs and kisses or nightly massages or asking me a hundred times a day if I was okay, he made me his focus. He still grieved and cried and went through all of the emotions that I did but he was more private with his feelings and held them in a bit more. I also think men are not raised to believe it's okay to publicly express their hurt or to talk about it openly, even in a group of other parents. Even yesterday when we were at my sister in laws house my daughter was smothering my son with kisses and the aunt said "he won't want you to kiss him so much one day." And I said "yes he would because I'm raising him to be affectionate." And she replied that he would get beat up by his friends if he was that affectionate. That's the problem right there.
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