Rollercoaster

I have been on such an emotional rollercoaster lately. Within minutes I can go from laughing to weeping. I know it's most likely the hormones but it's not fun. Especially the bitter or weepy moments. Luckily one emotion doesn't stick around and then I'm on to the next one. My weepy and bitter moments usually bring up unresolved feelings about losing my boy.

I've got everything prepared for his memory boxes, to donate on his bday to the hospital. I have to still contact them which I'll talk to my doctor about on Wed. Hopefully they will take them, if not I'm sure the bereavement group we used to go to will have use for them. A friend of mine made cute little blankets, doll size, to include. And then I have framed poem the poem "Just Those Few Weeks" which can be found on my page of poems...I made it look like this for framing, size 4x6

and a scented candle, and a keychain which can be engraved. I decided to keep it simple and non religious so that it can be given to anyone.

For Blaine's birthday I'm also hoping to order one of these for our family...I saw it on Etsy and am in love!

I've been looking at all sorts of sculptures and figurines but none really speak to me like this. I can't remember where I read it but I remember reading "we are a family of (five) but with one missing, and that is a huge difference." This makes me think of that.

14 more days til Mat Leave! I am feeling so relieved and so ready to just be home and prepare for our new arrival. I've washed Caleb's "wear at hospital" and "wear home" outfits. Just in case he comes early.

More Ramblings

I added an friend to my FB friends list. She has two boys, one who was due the same time as Blaine was. I really like her and her family. But now I find myself tearing up looking at her photos. Her post wishing her boy a happy 6 month birthday. I am so happy for them and they haven't had an easy time but it just makes me miss my boy even more. I should be wishing Blaine a happy 6 month this week, or maybe he would have come a week or two early and we would have already celebrated. Either way I am not. Instead I am secretly planning a one year "birthday" party for a dead baby. I haven't even discussed it with my husband really. I don't know what he wants to do on April 13th. I'm pretty sure no one in our real life will remember, except you Liz cause I know you read my blog, lol. My mother and sister will be in Cuba so I'm sure they won't remember. I have just had to come to the realization that other than our little family, hubby and me and Abby, this was just not a significant event. And I'm certainly not going to remind anyone cause I don't need the pity party. If people remember I want it to be because they actually remember not because I had to tell them. I keep hearing all this nonsense about the royal wedding in April and I keep thinking "big deal no one died." There are so much more important things happening in April. But I guess not for the rest of the world.

One of my biggest faults is that I curse. I will let a sh*& escape if I stub my toe and if someone is really getting on my nerves I have been known to drop the F bomb. I don't like it and I try not to. I can pretty much control it except when I'm really exhausted or emotional. To my credit I have never sworn in front of my daughter or anyone else's kid. The point of this is that I keep saying this line in my head from a song which contains the F word.

"when I need them I don't see none of them...f*&^ all you fairweather friends all I need is him." courtesy of Dr Dre and Eminem (yes another fault of mine, I love rap music)

Unfortunaly that bitterness has entangled itself with the pain of April 13th.

March Break!!

Ahh sweet relief. I worked Monday but have the rest of the week off with Abby. It is so nice to be home with her. Yesterday we went to a movie and ate lots of candy. Today I took her out for breakfast and we went to the library. Tomorrow we're not doing much. Friday my nephew will be here so we're going to a big indoor playground and then this buffet for lunch. It's so nice and relaxing just spending time with her. It's a preview of what our amazing summer will be like! Not being at work I've been eating healthier, less junk food. We've been walking everywhere and playing games. I feel so much better physically and mentally. Except at night. Nights have been rough for me. I have restless leg syndrome I guess on top of muscle cramps. Last night I was uncomfortable sitting, standing and lying down! Gives me another reason that I can't wait for this boy to come!!
Yesterday I was comparing Blaine and Caleb's ultrasound photos. I guess I think because I have had so much medical care I can diagnose now. I honestly don't see any difference between their two twelve week u/s photos. They actually look exactly the same. So, what happened? It is so sad and frustrating for Blaine's death to be a "fluke." Not that having a reason would make it easier. I just don't get why one perfectly healthy baby lives and one perfectly healthy baby dies (at least for appearances sake, we never did an autopsy so I can't say for sure but all prenatal tests up to that point were 100%). That's the only problem with being off of work. I have ample time to rehash all of these things. I guess it's better to deal with it head on though than avoid it.

A Party

We went to a Buck and Doe or Jack and Jill last night. Whichever you call it, basically a bachelor and bachelorette party in one. I had a pretty good time, with my bottled water and orange juice. I realized while I was there that it was exactly one year from another party. Last year on that Saturday night I went to a friend's birthday party. I remember asking everyone "you can tell I'm pregnant right? I don't just look fat." Blaine was a little bump. I danced and drank ginger ale. We all laughed at how the baby must be having a great time listening to the rythym. I remembered that as I sat last night feeling Caleb bounce around. I had one of those moments where you have to bit the insides of your cheeks to keep your eyes from welling up with tears. I also realized last night how I am an absolute pro at both deflecting the "kids" questions and/or changing the subject. Of course being so visibly pregnant everyone wanted to ask me lots of questions and find out how I was doing. Which don't get me wrong was really nice. But that sort of attention always comes with the unwanted questions, "how many kids do you have?" "is this your first pregnancy?" "are you excited about having a boy?" I still don't know what to do and I feel like these are little bombs. I try to avoid them. I don't know how to reply. On one hand you don't want to deny the existence of any of your kids but on the other hand you don't want to be the downer in the corner talking about dead babies.

A Good Day

Today was a great day. I have been on the fence about my decision to leave work 6 weeks before Caleb's due date. Part of me thinks I should work longer to maximize my time with him. I was off work today though and realized that I cannot wait to be done. I wish I didn't have to go back at all! It was definitely the right decision. I am so much more relaxed and was able to just enjoy the day with my daughter and think about Caleb. I let her play hookie and we ran a bunch of errands. I have a negative blood type so I had to go to the hospital this morning and have a blood test done to make sure I wasn't producing harmful antibodies. The test takes three hours so while I waited we went to the library and then to my doctors appt. My dr's appt went perfect. Caleb is measuring at just the right size and his heartbeat was strong. I teared up when she told me that because I immediately thought "so was Blaine's." Then we were back over to the hospital and the results of my blood test were also perfect. I registered for my room at the hospital for when I'm in labour. I'm all set! Then I took sissy and we went out for a special treat and to look for stuff for the baby shower. Weather wise today was crappy, grey, wet, icy. But my spirits were up and we had good girl time together. I haven't gotten enough girl time with her lately so it was well needed. Plus my work allows you to take more than 52 weeks anyway, I think it's 56 and I am taking the maximum whether I get paid or not. We are lucky to be able to afford me being off for 4 to 6 weeks without pay.
I got two books out of the library on natural childbirth and the "birth industry." I'm really determined to do things better this time around. No meds to induce and no meds to prevent pain. With Abby I caved under utter exhaustion and pressure from the doctor and took the epidural. I still regret that and did have side effects from it for almost a year after. I don't care what anyone says it is not "just as safe as natural." With Blaine they immediately hooked me up to morphine without even asking me. I don't regret that because to me his was not a birth, it was a death. And the morphine helped not only with the physical pain but with the emotional as well. I said more than once that if I didn't have Abby at home I would have requested a bucket of morphine in a doggy bag.
I'm going to read the books and then develop my plan. Hopefully this time I will have the courage to stick with it. I'm older and wiser now. I've been through the worst pain imaginable mentally and emotionally. Physical pain is nothing once you've had to cremate your child. I would gladly experience the worst of labour pains everyday for the rest of my life to have one more day with Blaine.
One ouch moment today and it wasn't really for me. When I had to go to the hospital because I was having chest pains there was a young girl there. She can't have been more than 20 and already had a toddler in tow. She looked about 20 weeks pregnant. She was in obvious pain and waiting to see the doctor. I remember thinking "baby's having babies." She was there alone with her toddler daughter. I saw her today too coming into the hospital. She was obviously not pregnant anymore. I flinched the minute I looked at her flat tummy. I wonder what happened to her baby. If she lost him/her or if he/she was premature and still at the hospital. Maybe she was having a follow up visit, maybe she was coming back to see the baby.

Feeling Worse

So, my mood has pretty much plummeted. I am feeling much more anxious and depressed lately. I have been missing Blaine so much. I am reliving everything, down to his birth/death to how I felt in the immediate months after. I'm not sure if this is solely because I am off the meds or if it's partly because his anniversary is coming up. I have been really sad and anxious these past couple of days. My instinct to wrap myself around Abigail and protect her has gone into overdrive. I'm seeing dangers at every corner. It doesn't help any that I had a big fight with my mom on the weekend and work has been a nightmare this week. It's like our entire group at work fell apart this week. That and the "men" on our team seem to have a) forgotten that they are men not whiney little girls and b) forgotten how to do their jobs. So, me the 7 month pregnant woman is having to pick up the slack. 18 work days until mat leave! That is all that's getting me through at this point. If I had anymore time than that I would probably go on sick leave. It's that bad. It also doesn't help that my going off the meds coincides with Abigail leaving daycare and so many 1 year anniversaries. The 1 year anniversary of my ultrasound with Blaine has just passed, March 5th. It was the time he waved at the screen. The time I got to see him playing around. So little and yet so active already. I hate leaving Abby with my in laws for such long periods of time. I want her to have a relationship with them but don't want her to be anything like them. If that makes sense. They're not bad people they just have no common sense. They'd see nothing wrong with feeding her junk all day, they've taken her in a cab with no carseat, they take her around their family who I don't like at all and I never know what exactly they're doing because they're so secretive. My sister in law and mother in law are the only people in my husband's family we associate with and that's fine with me. I always feel so anxious when she's with them though.
I'm just starting to get together the stuff I need to make memory boxes for Blaine's anniversary to donate to the hospital. It's so sad doing this. I really want to do these boxes but it is just so overwhelmingly sad. I am having a rough time with it. I seem to be having a rough time doing anything now though. I'm crying over songs again. I cried the other day because I had a flashback of walking into our bedroom that night and looking at my husband and saying "I'm bleeding." Everything is just coming back and I wonder if I ever felt any better or if it was just the drugs masking the sorrow. I thought I had made some progress but I really feel like I did last June before I went crazy. I guess time will tell. I have to remind myself that I am going through a lot physically, mentally and physically right now. I'm also going through a transition from working mom to homemaking mom. I'm also planning for a new arrival at the same time reliving anniversaries of the arrival who didn't get to stay.

Another MIlestone Past!!

28 weeks today! I feel like I can finally exhale. Other than worrying about PROM; pre-eclampsia; the umbilical cord strangling Caleb while I give birth; and the placenta seperating from my uterus and suffocating him; I feel I am in the clear. Only a DBM could laugh at that statement!
I had my last ultrasound today, assuming it was perfect. He was quite the performer, drinking in fluid, licking his lip, punching me. He has a little button nose. I put his pic up by my computer and could barely work all day, I just wanted to sit and look at it. If all goes well this will be the last ultrasound photo. My next photo will be of his birth, fluids caked on, screaming, pink and squirming. If all goes well in about 9 to 10 weeks I will be drinking more than one small cup of coffee a day, I'll have cracked nipples and swollen breasts, my apartment will smell like diapers, I'll be getting up every two or three hours to feed and change diapers and hubby and I will be seperated in bed by a blanket hog 5 year old and a happily sleeping boy.