Merry Christmas

A couple of days late.  I've been catching up today on the blogs I follow.  I'm glad to hear there were lots of peaceful and joy filled Christmases out there.    Sad to hear of so many families still without a rainbow, or worse, missing multiple children this year.

Here is a photo of a candle that my friend Dana lit in memory of Blaine....and below it a poem I came across

We had a pretty good Christmas.  It was a very toned down year.  I didn't go out and spend the money I usually spend.  I've decided I don't want to make Christmas a time of excess for the kids.  I want them to learn the true meaning of giving not getting.  And I want to create family traditions outside of just opening presents.  This year was a good start and no one seemed to care that I didn't spend thousands on presents...yes, I usually spend that much on presents.  Here is a photo of me and the kids...

Happy New Year to all!  I hope 2012 brings more joy, more love, more peace, more memories.

Missing Out

I'm feeling kind of lonely about the upcoming holiday events.  Where I once felt like I only fit in with my BLM's I now feel since I have a baby that I don't fit in there anymore.  There are two BLM events coming up and I'm not going to be able to attend either of them.  Neither of them are child friendly.  I am breastfeeding and pumping takes a lot of time and energy.  I can't always leave Caleb to go out.  Sunday I was supposed to go out and make holiday ornaments with the Face2Face group.  I can't though because I am going out Saturday and can't pump enough to leave Caleb both days.  Another group planned a candle lighting which I'd love to go to however, they've asked that no kids come.  A part of me completely understands that.  I imagine it must be really really hard for people who have no living children to be surrounded by babies and kids when they are trying to do something in memory of the child(ren) they lost.  A part of me is bitter about it though.  I don't know if bitter is the right word, maybe disappointed or feeling left out.  Abby remembers Blaine.  She heard his heartbeat, she felt him kick.  She wants to do things to mark his time with us and she can't.  Caleb is too young to understand this but I wanted him to grow up attending things so that one day it would just be normal to him.  And he can't.  I feel like my living kids aren't valued as much, their feelings, Abby's in particular, just aren't as important.  Again, I completely understand the other point of view but where does that leave families like mine?  We want to participate too.  We want to cherish and remember our babies.  There is one event coming up that is child friendly.  I didn't want to go because I totally disagree with the way the host organization is being run now.  It's all very political and I don't want anything to do with them.  But it is our only option for a family Christmas event for Blaine. 
I know this is probably going to sound incredibly selfish to some but I think both points of view are.  I agree it's selfish for me to want my kids included to spare mine and their feelings.  It's just one of those things that are brand new to me and I will have to figure out.  It just sucks because these things are the only time during the holidays that Blaine is going to be a part of the celebration.  Our families certainly aren't going to mention him, they didn't even do it last year. 

On a much lighter note, I just got an awesome gift from Amber, a bracelet with Blaine's name on it.  I love it!

Comments

I love comments.  I have heard so many nice things from other parents out there, on this blog and on the DBC.  This is one of the best comments I've gotten in awhile...

"This is random - but I wanted to let you know that I wrote Blaine's name down the other day. I went to a Day of the Dead exhibit at a local museum and one of the alters on display was made by 3 mamas who all lost their first babies. One of the areas of the exhibit was butterfly stickers to write people's name on them and stick them on the wall. I was teary-eyed through most of the exhibit, and wrote down Acacia's name on a butterfly. Then I thought of many of the other BLMs that I know and you and Blaine came to mind. Unfortunately I didn't have a camera on me to take a picture - but I wanted to let you know Blaine's name was up on that wall with Acacia's and a few others as well."

I love that Blaine was just randomly thought of.  It makes my day to hear things like this.   Like he really existed, he wasn't all just in my head. 

Then and Now

The Dream. 

Last year I was dreaming about two boys.  This year I am blessed enough to be holding one, loving one, nursing one, teaching one.

I remember how anxious I was about Caleb, would he make it?  I wish I could go back and reassure pregnant me that he would.  Tell her to enjoy it.  Looking back at how nervous I was I know I missed important things.  I remember the anxiety more than I remember the joy.  I do remember the kicks and nudges.  How he'd let me know he was still there, still moving and breathing.  He is truly a Momma's boy.  He may be one of the few men I've ever met that "gets me." 
I never let a day go by without thanking God for these babies of mine.  All of them.  A, B, and C. 

Thanksgiving

This month is US Thanksgiving...which by the way US readers, thank you for celebrating my bday with a national holiday!! 
I've been reading a lot of blogs on being thankful and what you are thankful for.  I was going to participate on FB.  I typed in "Day 1: I am thankful for my kids" and then stopped and cried instead.  I know if I type though most people will assume I am thankful for Abby and Caleb.  How would I even begin to explain that I'm thankful for Blaine?  Does it seem like I'm over it now that I have Caleb?  It's strange how I feel guilty sometimes about posting things about Caleb.  Not just because I don't want people to think I've forgotten but I also think of everyone on my friend's list who hasn't had a rainbow yet.  I wonder if my posts hurt them, or maybe they've just blocked me from their newsfeed.  It's strange going into a store and buying something for Abby and Caleb and then feeling guilty for not buying Blaine anything.  What do you buy a dead baby for Christmas? 
I am thankful for so many things in my life and for so many people.  I am thankful for all of the gifts and lessons that EACH of my THREE children have taught me.

Announcements

Things are going pretty well here in our world.  I have two friends who just announced pregnancies in the past two weeks.  One I am so so extrememly excited for and genuinely happy.  The other I'm okay with but I don't like the way she kept talking about how it was interfering with her drinking and "lifestyle."  I felt like saying "you know what really messes up your lifestyle?  when the baby dies."  As usual I kept my mouth shut.  When talking to them both though I just wanted to warn them.  I had that urge to tell them "if something bad happens you know you can talk to me anytime."  People don't want to hear that though do they?

I have found out through sort of gossip that someone I know lost a baby a couple of years ago.  They've been really supportive of me and now I know why.  So, now I want to mention it but can't really.  I don't know if I'm supposed to know about it.  The father of the baby told me and it wasn't like gossiping, he just mentioned it but I don't know if it's a secret or not.  Can I mention it to the mom? 
All this time and I still don't really know what to do or say to other people who are in this.  

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