In Treatment

Today is another blah day. I had my first appt with a shrink yesterday. * Disclaimer: I do not mean any offence by using the words "crazy" or talking about ocd in a lighthearted way. I'm not really making fun it's just my way of talking about it. * He was not warm and fuzzy. His office was a mess and he had the light off but the curtains wide open so the sun was lighting the room. He didn't look more than 45 and he was a low talker so sometimes it was hard to hear him. I didn't dislike him. I guess I was expecting a male version of my therapist. Has anyone ever seen the show "In Treatment?" It's Gabriel Byrne playing a therapist and he's got a very warm and cozy office. That's what I was hoping for. But this guy was alright, he was at least very easy to talk to although I was not as comfortable crying in front of him as I am with Dolores. This is what free health care gets you right? lol...I was hopeful after leaving his office because he does not think I'm crazy or that I am going crazy. That is a concern with me because most days I feel like I'm borderline. Like if one more trauma happens I'm going to be flipping the light switch 14 times before I leave the house. I know I shouldn't watch the show "Obsessed" or "Intervention" or "Hoarding" but I can't help it. And sadly I can now relate to these people. There were two people on "Obsessed" the other night and I totally got what they were saying. I have the same anxiety and the same thoughts. At one point the therapist on the show was telling the ocd patient to do something as part of his cognitive behaviour therapy and the ocd guy was looking at the therapist like the therapist was insane and I totally agreed with the ocd guy!! The only difference is I still have my sense of logic. But if that goes I can totally see myself cleaning the house for 20 hours a day. Logic. That is what is separating us. The shrink who I will call "Fraser" for lack of a better nickname says as long as I worry about going crazy then I won't go crazy. He didn't quite word it like that but that's the gist of it. If you think about these things from a logical perspective then they will most likely not happen to you. That gives me hope. The few compulsions that I've had since April 13th are not going to push me over the edge. That is very good news for someone who feels as if they are living at the edge. I am not going over.

Today I am feeling a lot of anxiety. I know I have to go back to work either next week or the week after. I think I'm ready but I'm still anxious about it. I've been able to solely focus on me for a month now and it's felt good. I'm also worried about how I'm going to be treated when I get back. I've been a little bored and I miss the hustle of things around the office and having lunch with my friend Lisa. I think I'm ready to go back I'm just worried that I'm not going to be able to handle the stress. I'm worried I'm going to have a breakdown right there at my desk. But I won't know unless I try right?

On a lighter note. I may be going up to my in laws again in about a month...not for sure but most likely. If you look in Blaine's gallery, I have a pic of his name written in the sand by a waterfall and also, one of his name on the beach in the sand. They are labelled "up at Papa's house" If you would like me to do one for your little one please email me lilyorange2@yahoo.ca I don't know for sure if I'm going but if I do I will definitely take some pics. There's lots of beautiful spots up there.

It's Tuesday

Why does every week have to have a Tuesday in it. I hate Tuesdays. At this time 16 Tuesdays ago I had a little baby boy growing healthy inside of me. I was at work minding my own business. Probably eating a yogurt. At this time 15 Tuesdays ago that little baby boy was dead, whether it was a fluke or not ultimately it was my body that failed him. I was lying in a hospital bed crying. I was surrounded by people who love me and the only thing I wanted was my little nudger. The room was hot. It was a small room with the windows closed so it was stuffy. I could smell the sweat and the blood. I can still smell the blood. I was lying in my own blood. I had it on my legs. I was hooked up to the most annoying I.V. machine in the world. They had put the I.V. in wrong, up on the inside of my elbow instead of on my wrist. So, every time I moved my arm the machine beeped. I was on Oxytocin to make sure I passed all of the clots and whatever they give you in I.V. to keep you from being dehydrated (saline?). They had already stopped giving me the morphine. I wasn't in any more physical pain but the morphine had been quite nice. I remember the way it smelled sweet and like rubbing alcohol. It took the pain away, mentally and physically. If I didn't have a life to go back to I would have asked them if I could take a bucket of morphine home. I was still in my hospital gown. They said I could leave in a couple of hours. No point in staying now. Baby's dead anyway. Time to go home and get over it. All I wanted was a shower. I had to get the smell off of me. The smell of sweat and blood. The smell of blood will always make me think of death now. The baby was gone, the labour was almost painless. But now I had to get off that bed and go home and act "normal." Be strong, be brave, be a mother, be a wife. When all I want to be is with my son. I can still feel it. The way it felt when he slipped from my body. I didn't even have to push, he was so little. He just slipped out. I can feel it. I feel it all day. That sensation. I don't remember what it felt like to have my daughter. I remember talking about it afterwards, how he head squirmed out and I felt it. I guess with time my memory of that is gone. Maybe with time this memory will be too. But I hope not. I want to always remember it because it is the only time I got with Blaine. The time my body gave him life and the time my body took his life away.

Back

Back to the real world. I had such a nice weekend away at my father in laws. If I won the lottery tonight I wouldn't even pack a bag I'd just be gone up there. It is so quiet and peaceful. And while I miss my creature comforts it's nice to be able to breath and sleep. I slept so peacefully, no nightmares, no waking up for hours in the middle of the night. Just sleep. And breathing. I could breath, no chest pains, no anxiety. I remember when I could feel that way everyday. When I didn't need to escape from real life to feel that good. When that was my normal.

I missed Blaine too when I was up there although I wasn't sad or depressed. I took my framed ultrasound photo with me and my little book I write his letters in. But I didn't take my painting or candle holder or the rest of my memory box. And I feel like I left him here by himself. Isn't that strange? We made sure to take a photo of his name when we were thinking of him. By the waterfalls, on a rock, at the lake across from his Papa's house. His Papa would have loved him. Even though he has two grandsons already I know Blaine would have been the favourite. His son's son. The only time I got a little depressed was when they were talking about the family name. My husband is the last on that side of the family with the last name. If he doesn't have a son then the name ends with him. And it made me sad that our son died and we may not get another one. And it isn't my husband's fault and maybe not even my fault but who knows.

Had therapy this morning and Dolores gave me a relaxation CD to listen too and see if it helps. I just can't relax. Maybe the music will help. I just have to find sometime to sit and play the CD and try not to think. Have to block everything out of my head. Might as well ask me to perform brain surgery!

Weekend Away

Our little family spent the weekend away. I actually missed being on here and blogging and reading about all of you. That's weird isn't it? But it was nice to get out of the city and be somewhere quiet and peaceful. I've just spent sometime catching up on all the blogs I've been missing for two days. Will post some pics tomorrow that I took for Blaine. Lots of great scenery up there. Spent a lot of energy trying to get a butterfly to cooperate and let me photograph it. Missed him way too much.

A Random Act of Kindness

I'm glad I postponed writing today until this evening. I took my daughter to the wading pool at the park. I'm sitting there minding my own business when out of nowhere comes this beautiful little boy. He couldn't have been more than 18 months. He was walking but not steady, still wobbly. He walked right up to me grinning from ear to ear. And then he did the kindest thing a little boy could ever do for a dead baby momma. He put his arms around me and gave me a huge hug. I almost burst into tears. It was so sweet. His dad of course came running over apologizing about how friendly he was. I couldn't really say anything. I just said "no problem, he's such a sweetheart." And then the dad ushered him away but he kept looking back at me and smiling.

I try not to look for signs. Yes, it seems like I see more Monarch butterflies this year but maybe that's just because I didn't notice them before. But I've had more than one instance in my life where I've felt that something or someone was showing me something. Just last week when I am 80% certain I had another miscarriage I was walking over to the doctors office and two things happened. I was in a pretty pitiful mood. And out of nowhere comes this little puppy dog. He starts following me and jumping on me wanting to play. I had to walk him back towards his house because he wouldn't leave my side and go back to his owner. And then I didn't walk more than ten feet away from him and a butterfly flew right smack into my face. Were they sent to cheer me up? Was the little guy at the park sent to give me the hug that Blaine cannot?

Maybe it's cheesy but I hope so.

After I dropped Big Sis off at daycare today I was walking home in another pretty pitiful mood. And this voice came into my head and I am convinced the thoughts were put in my head by God. He was saying to me more than once "why are you in such despair? do you not know where he is? do you not know he is safe with me?" And of course I answered I know where he is and that he is perfectly happy and safe. But I am here and I am not. And the voice asked the same things over and over the entire walk home and each time I could not deny that I knew my son was perfectly happy where he was. The problem is that I am impatient, I am scared, I am sad, I am wanting him here with me. So, the voice and I did not get anything resolved this morning. But then he sent this little boy to give me a hug. One random act of kindness that has given this sad momma a smile and a sigh of happiness.

Who Am I?

This is a good question. I am obviously not the same woman I was pre April 13th. Pre The Descent. Who was I? Who am I now? Who am I going to be when the fog clears?

I grew up in the city but I am a country girl at heart. I would love to win the lottery and buy a farm. Have some pigs and horses and a dozen dogs. To me, dogs are God's gift to us. He perfectly designed them to be our companions. I guess I had a typical upbringing in a blended family. I have one step sister and one half sister. I have two step brothers and two half brothers. I am not as close to any of them as I'd like to be.

I am a wife and a mother. Marriage isn't something I was looking for. I always thought I'd be a single mom, living in a condo with a kid and a cat. But my husband came along and ruined those dreams, lol. He's a great guy, so supportive of me and truly would do anything I ask him to do, he loves me more than I probably deserve sometimes. My daughter is a joy. She really is. I always say to her "why did God send me his best angel, what did I do to deserve you." I'm trying to raise my daughter as best I can to know God and to believe. And so far I think I'm doing a good job with that. If you read the post about us telling her about Blaine's death she just matter of fact said "I'll see him when I go to Heaven." I was struggling with my beliefs until I had her. But one look at her and there's no denying that someone wonderful is up there looking out for me.

I work in an office, it's pretty boring and very stressful. I don't like it but I don't hate it. I always wanted to be a teacher but didn't have the drive. Working was a lot easier than going to teachers college. I'm blessed to work with some great people though. Three come to mind easily. Ladies that have really been here for me. You never know who really cares about you til the floor falls out from beneath you.

I love reading, I am a Twilight fan!! I go back and forth from Team Edward and Team Jacob...pretty much depending on whether Jacob has a shirt on or not. I love anything written by Max Lucado. I love the Chronicles of Narnia and the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. I love John Irving and Wally Lamb. I love watching movies and t.v. I am a huge fan of General Hospital...can't miss my soap!! It's my guilty pleasure...well that and ice cream. Oh to sit and watch G.H. while eating ice cream!!

I think I'm a pretty good person. My biggest flaw is that I'm judgemental. It's something I really try hard to not do. I don't want to judge other people, especially other mothers. I love hard but not easily. I am a good listener but I've always been a bit of a loner so sometimes I'm awkward in social settings and don't know what to say to people.

And I'm sad. I'm really depressed right now. I'm struggling not to be bitter and angry. I'm trying very hard to just trust in God. I'm trying to get through this and still be all of the good things I was pre April 13th.

That is me. Thanks Danae for this idea. So, readers, followers, who are you?

GPS

Today I feel some resolve. Maybe it's just another day on the Scrambler. I just feel today that I can't wallow in this anymore. I can't spend hours a day on the computer reading about dead babies. I can't keep reliving my son's birth/death over and over in my head...the sights the smells the sounds. I have to start moving on. I thought that that's what I was doing but have realized over the past couple of days that I really haven't been doing that at all. I understand that this has changed me forever. I understand that I will never "get over" it. But I have to get on. I have to find some peace. Easier said than done right? I feel stuck. I know where I have to get to but don't know how to get there. My internal GPS is busted. I can see myself in the future, healthy and happy with Big Sis and hopefully a new baby. I can see myself being sad and missing Blaine but not being overcome. I can visualize myself being strong and telling my kids about their brother in Heaven without wanting to scream and rip out my hair. I can see it and I want it. I just don't know how to get it. I'm like a rabbit running for a carrot. I can see it in my sights but the faster I run the further away the carrot seems to get.