I love comments. I have heard so many nice things from other parents out there, on this blog and on the DBC. This is one of the best comments I've gotten in awhile...
"This is random - but I wanted to let you know that I wrote Blaine's name down the other day. I went to a Day of the Dead exhibit at a local museum and one of the alters on display was made by 3 mamas who all lost their first babies. One of the areas of the exhibit was butterfly stickers to write people's name on them and stick them on the wall. I was teary-eyed through most of the exhibit, and wrote down Acacia's name on a butterfly. Then I thought of many of the other BLMs that I know and you and Blaine came to mind. Unfortunately I didn't have a camera on me to take a picture - but I wanted to let you know Blaine's name was up on that wall with Acacia's and a few others as well."
I love that Blaine was just randomly thought of. It makes my day to hear things like this. Like he really existed, he wasn't all just in my head.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Then and Now
The Dream.
Last year I was dreaming about two boys. This year I am blessed enough to be holding one, loving one, nursing one, teaching one.
I remember how anxious I was about Caleb, would he make it? I wish I could go back and reassure pregnant me that he would. Tell her to enjoy it. Looking back at how nervous I was I know I missed important things. I remember the anxiety more than I remember the joy. I do remember the kicks and nudges. How he'd let me know he was still there, still moving and breathing. He is truly a Momma's boy. He may be one of the few men I've ever met that "gets me."
I never let a day go by without thanking God for these babies of mine. All of them. A, B, and C.
Last year I was dreaming about two boys. This year I am blessed enough to be holding one, loving one, nursing one, teaching one.
I remember how anxious I was about Caleb, would he make it? I wish I could go back and reassure pregnant me that he would. Tell her to enjoy it. Looking back at how nervous I was I know I missed important things. I remember the anxiety more than I remember the joy. I do remember the kicks and nudges. How he'd let me know he was still there, still moving and breathing. He is truly a Momma's boy. He may be one of the few men I've ever met that "gets me."
I never let a day go by without thanking God for these babies of mine. All of them. A, B, and C.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Thanksgiving
This month is US Thanksgiving...which by the way US readers, thank you for celebrating my bday with a national holiday!!
I've been reading a lot of blogs on being thankful and what you are thankful for. I was going to participate on FB. I typed in "Day 1: I am thankful for my kids" and then stopped and cried instead. I know if I type though most people will assume I am thankful for Abby and Caleb. How would I even begin to explain that I'm thankful for Blaine? Does it seem like I'm over it now that I have Caleb? It's strange how I feel guilty sometimes about posting things about Caleb. Not just because I don't want people to think I've forgotten but I also think of everyone on my friend's list who hasn't had a rainbow yet. I wonder if my posts hurt them, or maybe they've just blocked me from their newsfeed. It's strange going into a store and buying something for Abby and Caleb and then feeling guilty for not buying Blaine anything. What do you buy a dead baby for Christmas?
I am thankful for so many things in my life and for so many people. I am thankful for all of the gifts and lessons that EACH of my THREE children have taught me.
I've been reading a lot of blogs on being thankful and what you are thankful for. I was going to participate on FB. I typed in "Day 1: I am thankful for my kids" and then stopped and cried instead. I know if I type though most people will assume I am thankful for Abby and Caleb. How would I even begin to explain that I'm thankful for Blaine? Does it seem like I'm over it now that I have Caleb? It's strange how I feel guilty sometimes about posting things about Caleb. Not just because I don't want people to think I've forgotten but I also think of everyone on my friend's list who hasn't had a rainbow yet. I wonder if my posts hurt them, or maybe they've just blocked me from their newsfeed. It's strange going into a store and buying something for Abby and Caleb and then feeling guilty for not buying Blaine anything. What do you buy a dead baby for Christmas?
I am thankful for so many things in my life and for so many people. I am thankful for all of the gifts and lessons that EACH of my THREE children have taught me.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Announcements
Things are going pretty well here in our world. I have two friends who just announced pregnancies in the past two weeks. One I am so so extrememly excited for and genuinely happy. The other I'm okay with but I don't like the way she kept talking about how it was interfering with her drinking and "lifestyle." I felt like saying "you know what really messes up your lifestyle? when the baby dies." As usual I kept my mouth shut. When talking to them both though I just wanted to warn them. I had that urge to tell them "if something bad happens you know you can talk to me anytime." People don't want to hear that though do they?
I have found out through sort of gossip that someone I know lost a baby a couple of years ago. They've been really supportive of me and now I know why. So, now I want to mention it but can't really. I don't know if I'm supposed to know about it. The father of the baby told me and it wasn't like gossiping, he just mentioned it but I don't know if it's a secret or not. Can I mention it to the mom?
All this time and I still don't really know what to do or say to other people who are in this.
I have found out through sort of gossip that someone I know lost a baby a couple of years ago. They've been really supportive of me and now I know why. So, now I want to mention it but can't really. I don't know if I'm supposed to know about it. The father of the baby told me and it wasn't like gossiping, he just mentioned it but I don't know if it's a secret or not. Can I mention it to the mom?
All this time and I still don't really know what to do or say to other people who are in this.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Sharing Photos
Here are some photos of us ... my girl, the Red Queen, the three of us, me as a Milkmaid for a party I went to ...
Monday, October 31, 2011
Day 31 - Happy Halloween!
Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your child(ren)
No, I feel I'm pretty open already. It was good though to think over some things I haven't talked about in awhile and to see the difference of where I was a year ago and where I am now.
I am a big lover of Halloween. I know some Christians don't celebrate because they think it's the devil's day or something. I don't think I'm celebrating the devil by celebrating Halloween anymore than a non believer is celebrating Jesus by buying Christmas presents. To be honest, I just want free candy!
I've never been creeped out by costumes and even now, having a dead baby, I'm still not creeped out by the imagery of skeletons and tombstones and zombies. I do wonder two things about children's costumes though: 1) why do little girls need to dress like tranny hookers? Have you seen some of the costumes available now? Disgusting. 2) why would you want to dress your child like a skeleton or any other dead thing? Why can't kids just be fun and playful and childlike? Caleb is a puppy this year, Abigail is the red queen from Alice in Wonderland (a respectful dress that goes down to her ankles), and I was a milkmaid for a party I went to on Saturday night. Again a respectful dress not the skanky version. One thing has changed though, it used to be a tradition for me to watch some scary horror movies this time of year. I can't do that anymore. My anxiety is just way too present. I can't fill my head and soul with that kind of stuff anymore, especially the slasher stuff. I will most likely never go to another haunted house either. I remember going to one years ago and it was an "insane asylum" set up. In one of the rooms a woman was sitting in a rocking chair holding a bloodied doll head. Talking to it and rocking it. Obviously meant to be a woman who had gone crazy and killed her child or lost her child and went crazy with grief. Back then I thought nothing of it except "holy morbid!" If I saw that now I'd flip my wig. I know how closely I came to being that woman.
No, I feel I'm pretty open already. It was good though to think over some things I haven't talked about in awhile and to see the difference of where I was a year ago and where I am now.
I am a big lover of Halloween. I know some Christians don't celebrate because they think it's the devil's day or something. I don't think I'm celebrating the devil by celebrating Halloween anymore than a non believer is celebrating Jesus by buying Christmas presents. To be honest, I just want free candy!
I've never been creeped out by costumes and even now, having a dead baby, I'm still not creeped out by the imagery of skeletons and tombstones and zombies. I do wonder two things about children's costumes though: 1) why do little girls need to dress like tranny hookers? Have you seen some of the costumes available now? Disgusting. 2) why would you want to dress your child like a skeleton or any other dead thing? Why can't kids just be fun and playful and childlike? Caleb is a puppy this year, Abigail is the red queen from Alice in Wonderland (a respectful dress that goes down to her ankles), and I was a milkmaid for a party I went to on Saturday night. Again a respectful dress not the skanky version. One thing has changed though, it used to be a tradition for me to watch some scary horror movies this time of year. I can't do that anymore. My anxiety is just way too present. I can't fill my head and soul with that kind of stuff anymore, especially the slasher stuff. I will most likely never go to another haunted house either. I remember going to one years ago and it was an "insane asylum" set up. In one of the rooms a woman was sitting in a rocking chair holding a bloodied doll head. Talking to it and rocking it. Obviously meant to be a woman who had gone crazy and killed her child or lost her child and went crazy with grief. Back then I thought nothing of it except "holy morbid!" If I saw that now I'd flip my wig. I know how closely I came to being that woman.
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