Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday's and starting a new year)
I am getting together with some other Momma's to make decorations for our babies. I will probably also buy Blaine a new ornament since we always buy Sissy a new one each year. Other than that I'm not really preparing anything. This is just life now.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Days 26 - 29
Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?
These past few days have been okay. I was at my folks yesterday and this morning, that is stressful on a whole other level. But I am happy. I am genuinely happy.
Day 27: Share a picture. ~ this is me and my daughter at a Dove Release in Oct 2010. Well, Caleb is there too but just a little nugget.
Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?
Yes and yes. See, Caleb's Shower!
Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?
Blaine is in Heaven and I will go to Heaven and join him when I die. That's that. I have no doubts. I don't think he's an actual angel even though I call him that once in awhile. Angels are angels and people are people. I don't think he has little wings and flies around although I do summon that imagery once in awhile as a comfort. I picture him to be a toddler, maybe 3 or 4. Exactly how I pictured he would have looked on earth. Perfect.
These past few days have been okay. I was at my folks yesterday and this morning, that is stressful on a whole other level. But I am happy. I am genuinely happy.
Day 27: Share a picture. ~ this is me and my daughter at a Dove Release in Oct 2010. Well, Caleb is there too but just a little nugget.
Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?
Yes and yes. See, Caleb's Shower!
Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?
Blaine is in Heaven and I will go to Heaven and join him when I die. That's that. I have no doubts. I don't think he's an actual angel even though I call him that once in awhile. Angels are angels and people are people. I don't think he has little wings and flies around although I do summon that imagery once in awhile as a comfort. I picture him to be a toddler, maybe 3 or 4. Exactly how I pictured he would have looked on earth. Perfect.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Days 23 - 25
Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?
I would change the labour process, how Blaine came into the world and what we did next. I would have taken more photos of me pregnant, would have taken care of myself better than I did.
Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?
Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?
We do prepare for those days as I recognize that they will always be emotional ones. I usually do something special for dinner or dessert, make sure I light his candle. Sissy knows what dates are his and we always talk about him a little more that day and what he would be doing in Heaven.
I would change the labour process, how Blaine came into the world and what we did next. I would have taken more photos of me pregnant, would have taken care of myself better than I did.
Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?
Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?
We do prepare for those days as I recognize that they will always be emotional ones. I usually do something special for dinner or dessert, make sure I light his candle. Sissy knows what dates are his and we always talk about him a little more that day and what he would be doing in Heaven.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Music
Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child(ren)?
I have several, including...
The Dance by Garth Brooks
"For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance"
Who'd You Be Today by Kenny Chesney
"It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
The death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through"
and my favourite, my blog namesake...
In My Bones by Blue Rodeo
"Every time you walk out
You take a part of me
A part I hide so deep inside so no one sees
The beauty that nobody owns
In my bones
You walk with me wherever I'm going
In my bones"
there are many others. I think music has always been so therapeutic for me. I'm not musically talented, even Abby covers my mouth and tells me I'm a bad singer. I tried to learn the guitar once but it didn't work out. I've always been able to use music as an escape though. When my parents would be screaming at each other or my brother I'd go in my room with a book and turn my stereo on. I'd be off in another world.
I have several, including...
The Dance by Garth Brooks
"For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance"
Who'd You Be Today by Kenny Chesney
"It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
The death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through"
and my favourite, my blog namesake...
In My Bones by Blue Rodeo
"Every time you walk out
You take a part of me
A part I hide so deep inside so no one sees
The beauty that nobody owns
In my bones
You walk with me wherever I'm going
In my bones"
there are many others. I think music has always been so therapeutic for me. I'm not musically talented, even Abby covers my mouth and tells me I'm a bad singer. I tried to learn the guitar once but it didn't work out. I've always been able to use music as an escape though. When my parents would be screaming at each other or my brother I'd go in my room with a book and turn my stereo on. I'd be off in another world.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Day 21
Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?
see Day 19
see Day 19
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Anger Issues
Day 20: If you have anger.....What are you most angry about?
I am not always angry but I do have moments of anger and bitterness. I think the thing I am most angry with is the unfairness of it all. I didn't grow up in the best of families or in the best of neighbourhoods so I see people all around me who are abusive and/or neglectful of their kids. I've seen people swear at their kids, call them names, scream at them, hit them with belts, parents who just ignore their kids and let other people raise them, parents who try to give their kids away to family cause they don't want them anymore. I know women who pop out kid after kid from all sorts of different fathers, women who smoke and drink while pregnant. I've seen a lot of this in my own family and I tolerated it before but now I can't even look at these people. I was at a party once and thank God this was before Blaine, this woman had like 5 beers and was smoking the entire night and was clearly pregnant. And then she had the nerve to complain that she "couldn't really party" because she was pregnant. It took all I had not to say something. If I saw that now, after losing my son, I'd punch her in the throat for sure. I'm bitter that people who treat their kids like crap or like accessories (got to have the 2.5 kids! even if you don't really like them) have absolutely no problem having them. I'm bitter that the best women I know struggle to mother a living child while some of the worst I've met can have as many as they want. I'm so bitter about this stuff that as I'm thinking this post out in my head and typing it I'm having to cut out a lot of cussing! One of the few things that gets me swearing is bad parenting.
I'm angry, less so but still a little, at people who never acknowledged my son even existed. Those people don't exist to me anymore. For those of you on FB you saw my post in BLM Bloggers re: one person's attempt to use my son to get attention for herself. I don't know if I"m more bitter at people not acknowledging him or people acknowledging him for their own agenda.
Even though it might sound like it, I'm not always bitter and angry. I realized the other day that I'm actually pretty happy. I've got a good life right now. But there are days. Dark days. Luckily they are few and far between and are usually triggered by something or someone. I know my triggers though and do my best to avoid them and stay in a safe mental place.
I am not always angry but I do have moments of anger and bitterness. I think the thing I am most angry with is the unfairness of it all. I didn't grow up in the best of families or in the best of neighbourhoods so I see people all around me who are abusive and/or neglectful of their kids. I've seen people swear at their kids, call them names, scream at them, hit them with belts, parents who just ignore their kids and let other people raise them, parents who try to give their kids away to family cause they don't want them anymore. I know women who pop out kid after kid from all sorts of different fathers, women who smoke and drink while pregnant. I've seen a lot of this in my own family and I tolerated it before but now I can't even look at these people. I was at a party once and thank God this was before Blaine, this woman had like 5 beers and was smoking the entire night and was clearly pregnant. And then she had the nerve to complain that she "couldn't really party" because she was pregnant. It took all I had not to say something. If I saw that now, after losing my son, I'd punch her in the throat for sure. I'm bitter that people who treat their kids like crap or like accessories (got to have the 2.5 kids! even if you don't really like them) have absolutely no problem having them. I'm bitter that the best women I know struggle to mother a living child while some of the worst I've met can have as many as they want. I'm so bitter about this stuff that as I'm thinking this post out in my head and typing it I'm having to cut out a lot of cussing! One of the few things that gets me swearing is bad parenting.
I'm angry, less so but still a little, at people who never acknowledged my son even existed. Those people don't exist to me anymore. For those of you on FB you saw my post in BLM Bloggers re: one person's attempt to use my son to get attention for herself. I don't know if I"m more bitter at people not acknowledging him or people acknowledging him for their own agenda.
Even though it might sound like it, I'm not always bitter and angry. I realized the other day that I'm actually pretty happy. I've got a good life right now. But there are days. Dark days. Luckily they are few and far between and are usually triggered by something or someone. I know my triggers though and do my best to avoid them and stay in a safe mental place.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Day 19
Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)?
My two favourite memories are 1) the ultrasound at 12 weeks. Blaine would not sit still. He was so active and was bouncing around everywhere. 2) when Abby came to the dr with me and got to hear his heartbeat. Just watching her reaction was priceless and I'll never forget it. She started stomping around like a horse because that's what he sounded like. It's all she could talk about afterwards. She loved him.
My two favourite memories are 1) the ultrasound at 12 weeks. Blaine would not sit still. He was so active and was bouncing around everywhere. 2) when Abby came to the dr with me and got to hear his heartbeat. Just watching her reaction was priceless and I'll never forget it. She started stomping around like a horse because that's what he sounded like. It's all she could talk about afterwards. She loved him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)