The Other

I was talking to hubby last night about how we really should be planning a one year old's birthday party right now. Blaine was due Sept 18th 2010. If he were anything like his monkey brother he might have come Sept 19th. That's a Monday this year, we would have the family over that day, nothing big, a cake for him to smash up and make a mess with, some presents, balloons, pizza, that kind of thing. And then I realized, something we've both been thinking of for the past 11 weeks...there would be no Caleb. We can't have both. If Blaine were with us, Caleb would not be. In order to have Caleb, Blaine has to be dead. I think it would be easier sometimes not to believe in souls. To believe that any baby is any baby. There is no "Blaine" just a dead baby and then we got another baby. But that's not what I believe. I believe that little lost boy had his own soul and would have been his own man and have his own personality. He's gone and now there's another little man here, completely different. I love Caleb with every fibre of my being. So, this is the toughest part for me. I don't feel guilty for loving Caleb as much as I do. I just feel strange. That I get to love this little monkey because my son died. I don't know what to do with that. Hubby says Blaine died so we could have Caleb. I said, maybe Caleb has something important to do in this world, cure a disease or something. So, Blaine had to go for Caleb to be born to us so that he could do what he has to do. The morbid thoughts and rationalization of babylost parents. Anyone out there reading this? Have you had a rainbow? How do you deal with this realization?

This Love

"Everyday as I hold this baby in my lap, I think of my other baby. Poor older brother, poor missing one. I see the infant before me, the glory of the soles of the feet, the lips fattened and glossy with nursing, the nose whose future Edward and I try to predict daily. The love for the first magnifies the love for the second, and vice versa." ~ from An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination by Elizabeth McCracken

One Year

Yesterday was one of the darker days. I went from being incredibly sad and bitter to being so grateful that I couldn't put Caleb down. I think he must have gotten a hundred extra kisses yesterday. I felt much better by bedtime but that sense of unfairness and pain and loss continues.
I watched the movie Rabbit Hole last night. It was really good. I felt the emotions were honest and the way the characters interacted with their families and friends was honest. I think I'll have to watch it again when I'm more awake since I was half asleep last night. I have totally been where the mother character was when she slapped the woman in the grocery store. I've never done it but have pictured myself doing it a dozen times.
Today is an anniversary of sorts. One year ago today I carried Blaine's ashes home from the funeral home. I carried them down the street wrapped up tightly. I remember the feeling I had when I got home and couldn't wait to see them and feel them. I took them out of the green plastic bag, then out of the green velvet bag, then unwrapped the brown construction paper, opened the brown cardboard box, pried open the black box which is some kind of heavy duty plastic material and then took out the plastic bag. Yes, a plastic bag, and not even a ziploc, a twist tie. I still remember how I felt smelling the ashes, touching them and looking at all of the different pieces. I still have that same feeling when I look at them. I can't believe that was last year. Time goes way too fast.

UGH!

For the first time since the day I lost Blaine I am truly angry with God. Yes I believe He exists. I can't, after growing a child in me and giving birth and watching them grow, sum it all up to some random big bang. It is not the existence that I struggle with it's the whole love thing. God loves us, the Bible says so right? So why is life so desparetely unfair? This is my FB status right now:

"Dear God: why is it that any 14 yr old slutty high school dropout can go on welfare and pop out a dozen kids but people who truly deserve to be mother's have such a difficult time? God, you are not on my friends list today. "

Why am I so angry today? A dear BLM friend of mine has not only just lost her 4th baby but also her 5th, finding out that she was having twins. I prayed everyday for her. What was the point? What is the point of praying if it goes unanswered? How can I believe that God really cares about us and is involved in our lives when the best people I know have the hardest time? I know more than a few people who should NOT be parents. They're irresponsible, abusive and negligent. They treat their kids like accessories or worse, servants. Only being parents when it suits them or it's a photo op. They have kids for all the wrong reasons and then take it out on the kids when it gets tough. How is that fair? Why were those kids given to those horrible people? If I decided to drop out of high school, go on welfare and pop out some kids, Blaine probably wouldn't have died. I'd easily have 4 or 5 kids from all different fathers and let the government take care of them. Then there's a wonderful person who does it all right. She finishes school, gets a good job, marries, goes to church, prays and nothing.

I'm pretty bitter right now.

New Photos

A photo we took on our vacation



And one from Dana

Grab A Coffee

This could be a doozy...just got back from vacation so I have some things to share, and of course a visit and chat with my mother naturally ends in me needing to rant.




On the left is Abby digging a whole for our shrub and on the right is me at night with the shrub and the outdoor lights we got for it. We decided to plant a shrub for Blaine up north. We buried part of his ashes there. Sissy wanted to dig the hole and put the ashes in so she did. A bittersweet moment for sure. I'm so glad she wanted to participate but of course sad that she had to do something like that. The shrub is a Rhus Aromatica. We chose it because it is very fragrant and so the deer won't eat it. It is green and grows about 1.5 metres. It's leaves will turn bright red in the fall. I thought it would be much harder to leave a part of him up there but it wasn't. As my father in law reminded me, one day I will be up there with my grandkids.
We had a great trip but it's good to be home.
Here's the rant part...when I tried to tell my mom about the shrub on the phone she actually changed the topic to talk about her dead dog and the new puppy she's getting. I don't know whether she is just so ignorant and self absorbed or if she were comparing the two. I lost a child, she lost a dog, must be the same topic right? I was really mad. But you can't tell her that. She is in total denial about the person she is and the mother she is. She pretty much thinks she's perfect and if you try to tell her otherwise you get a huge guilt trip. And then when you bring things up that she's done wrong you get "I don't want to talk about it" or my favourite, she'll just start repeating "whatever whatever" over you so you can't talk. Yes, this is my mother. I don't know why I keep trying. She clearly doesn't care so I'm officially giving up.
I just finished reading "Eleanor Rigby" by Douglas Copeland. A teenager gives up her baby for adoption and years later he finds her. The mother of the girl (grandmother to the boy) says something and it just hit me and made me cry. I love this quote:

"I've also thought about you during the days, too. Usually it's when I'm preparing dinner, and in my head I'm wondering how many portions to make. I'm at the sink peeling potatoes, or maybe it's while I'm ironing a shirt. Don't ask why. I'm standing up and doing something dull with my hands. Leslie and William have kids, but for some reason it's you I've missed. You were the first. I worry about Leslie's kids, but when I think about them, I've never pulled over to the side of a road, out of the blue, feeling like I've been kicked in the chest."

That's how I feel. I worry about my kids; I think about Blaine at the oddest of times like when I'm making dinner or buying Abby new socks; I feel the air sucked out of me when I remember that I don't need to make dinner for him or buy him clothes or prepare him for school.

Regrets

What do you regret most about the events surrounding your loss?
If you were able to move past this regret, how did you let it go?
If you're in the process of letting it go, how are you working on this?
If you're still holding onto it, why can't you let this regret go?

I have many regrets with my pregnancy and the loss of our boy Blaine. Starting from not documenting my pregnancy enough to not handling his birth very well. I guess the thing I regret the most is how he was born and the fact that we didn't spend anytime with him. We just left him. I was lucky and got a redo, at least with having his body cared for and cremated. Looking back though I wish I could tell myself how much that time meant and what I would have liked to do with it. I am so envious of those that have photos of their children. Those that took the time to cuddle and bath and dress their babies. While Blaine would have been too small for clothes (he was the size of my hand) it would have been nice to care for him. I wish I could redo all of that. I don't think I will ever let these things go. This regret has just become a part of the new me. I walk with it, I hold it, I mourn it. I can't let it go and I don't even think I want to. I am a big believer in taking responsibility in your own actions and learning from them. This is one of those times when I have to look at what I did, what I did wrong, learn from it and keep it.