What I Mourn The Most

It's so easy in the early stages to get wrapped up in what I lost and what I miss. I was so self absorbed, worried about how I would move on and what MY life would be like in the future. Now that I have come to a peaceful place with myself I find the things I miss and mourn the most are not for me but for others. Others who have lost so much and not gained what I have. I mourn for my daughter who has lost her little brother. Who will never walk him to school holding hands or fight over the remote control. Who will never yell at him to get out of her room or cuddle up with him in the backseat of the car on the way to Papa's. She doesn't get to sit in the rocking chair and hold her baby brother. When she talks about him to her friends and teacher she is talking about an angel waiting for her in heaven (and she talks about him a lot!). Big Sis has handled it so well, as only an innocent child can. She very matter of factly said "I'm not sad, I'll see him when I go to Heaven." And that's her reality.
I mourn for my hubby. Everytime I see a boy and his Daddy on the subway or I see a commercial with a Daddy and his son playing sports or watching a game together. He doesn't get to take his son to hockey games and baseball games. He doesn't get to teach him how to shave or drive a car. Daddy won't teach Blaine how to make Momma and Sissy's favourite pancakes. Everytime I see a father and son I think of what he's lost.
I mourn for my parents who had to watch their daughter lose her baby. They sat in the hospital room and I knew they would have done anything to take my pain. My Mom is usually the emotional mess in the family but she kept it together for me that day. My Dad hates hospitals and Blaine's was the only birth he's ever attended. And I love them for that.
I mourn for my nephew who had to tell his Auntie he's sorry she lost the baby. And for my sister who still calls Blaine her nephew, and I love that.
These are the things that make me the saddest now. I know what I have lost and have come to peace with that. I know I have an eternity with Blaine waiting for me once I've finished what I am here to do in this life. I know he is up there planting my garden! When I get there he's going to have a big party waiting for me and the two of us are going to spend so much time just getting to know each other. It is harder to come to peace with what others have lost though.

Outsiders

I'm sitting here crying right now. I don't really have a reason. I am extremely emotional today and was last night as well. Last night I found myself crying in bed because of work. I never cry over work, I just don't care enough to cry over it. But I'm covering vacations and while I'm still not that busy I'm terrified. I'm scared I'm going to screw up someone else's work while they're gone. I'm scared I'm going to have to go off on bedrest and not be able to work. I'm scared of letting people down because I really am not in a secure place right now. I'm feeling much better but my self esteem has still taken a blow. And that's something I'm still working on. I used to be so confident, almost cocky. Now I am always worried to make a decision in case it's the wrong one. I'm scared stressing over all of this will make me lose this baby and then I won't be able to return to work because I'll hate it and blame it.
Right now I'm crying because I cried last night and I feel stupid.
I had two good conversations at work today. Finally someone asked me about my necklace! She came over and touched it and said it was really nice. There was a bit of an awkward moment when I told her what it was and she looked as if I had just burned her finger. But she kept asking me questions and wanted to know all about it and where I got it. So, it was still nice.
A good friend of mine at work asked me about this blog and other mom's blogs that I read. She wondered if it made me feel worse or better. I told her at the beginning it made me feel so much better because I knew I was not alone and I had so many women to talk to. Now it is just part of my life. This is the world I live in now. She asked about the photos, how some women post photos of their babies living and dead on their blogs. I explained that I have photos of my living child all around so why would they not have photos of their children around. I know to her it seems morbid and she doesn't understand. I told her I hope she never understands because you really have to be a BLM to get it. I told her someone could walk in the room with a dead baby and I wouldn't flinch. This is just my reality now. I'm glad she asked though and that we got to talk about it. She wasn't rude or disgusted. She was just really curious and that's totally understandable. I know "outsiders" will never totally get it but at least there are some out there who are willing to try. I wonder what I would have thought had I stumbled on the community on April 10th. Before I found myself having to google "pregnancy loss." I wonder what I would think of my own blog if I were looking at him from someone else's perspective. Would I think that I was dwelling on death and negativity or would I be able to see the hope and beauty in it?Would I see Blaine in it?

I am a Woman of Winter

THE MOURNERS DIDN’T CAUSE HIM TO STOP. Nor did the large crowd, or even the body of the dead man on the stretcher. It was the woman—the look on her face and the redness in her eyes. He knew immediately what was happening. It was her son who was being carried out, her only son. And if anyone knows the pain that comes from losing your only son, God does…. (Luke 7:11-17)

This is an excerpt from Max Lucado's "God Came Near." I receive weekly emails from his website and each week is a different topic/excerpt. This one was a real aha moment. I find even when you think something to actually see someone write it down makes it more convincing. Yes He does understand because He lost his son too.
I remember years ago watching "The Passion of the Christ" and this was before I even had kids. I felt so horrible for Mary. Watching what her son went through. I remember the scene where He is carrying the cross and she flashes back to when He was a boy and fell and skinned his knee. She rushes to him just like any other mother would, crying out his name.
The story of Jesus is so well known and yet we still forget these details. The details of his parents and what they lost. I wonder if years from now people will forget what I have lost. I'm not even half as famous! My story has not been read by billions. I do not have a spec of the importance that they have. I'm just a woman of winter. Getting along without my only son. Years from now if one of my nieces loses a baby or a friends daughter and I mention Blaine will they say "oh I forgot you had lost a baby too." Will they be surprised because I seem so strong and put together. Or will I still be this sad Mother? Will I be able to keep him alive in me for the rest of my time on Earth? Will I make sure my story always includes him? I know I am changed forever but by how much? Time does make things easier and with time I will forget certain details. I will forget how dark those first months were. Winter will become Spring and Spring will become Summer. How will I keep him alive so that everyone who comes after will know that he was here?

Dream

Love it! This is Blaine's page in the Memorial Sketchbook created by Anchored by Hope. It's beautiful and perfectly yellow!

I had the best dream last night. I was with Blaine and another little boy. Blaine looked just like Big Sis did when she was about one and a half. But he was four or five in my dream. We were playing hide and seek and the other kid was looking for us. I knew we were going to get found because everytime Blaine looked at me he got a big smile on his face and giggled. I could have dreamt that dream for days. Put me in a coma and let me dream that dream.

Update

I've been taking an internet break. I had two somewhat scary moments with this pregnancy and since I am a googler I decided to just steer clear of the computer.
First, and this is related to Blaine. I have been referred to a high risk specialist OBGYN. So, I now have my family doctor, a nurse, my regular OBGYN, my psychiatrist and a specialist working on me! We discussed maybe needing a consult with a high risk and I requested Dr. Sasquatch. For those of you who haven't read Blaine's story, Dr. S was the Dr in the E.R. in April when we gave birth to Blaine. He has really big hands. I'm nervous about two things, 1. will he want to do an internal exam with those sasquatch hands? and 2. how am I going to feel seeing him? I haven't seen him since that day. I requested him because he is very caring and took the time to follow up on me after I went home. I know I can trust him. But I am scared to see him. Sometimes when I go to the doctor I go to the hallway where his office is and look at his name on the wall. Yes, kind of like stalking him. But he is connected to my son. He is one of the few people who held him (that I know of anyway). Now I have to sit and have a conversation with him and wonder the entire time if he remembers Blaine. Probably not given the sheer number of dead babies out there.
Secondly, I got a bladder infection. I'm sure there's tons of stories out there of women getting b.i. and miscarrying. So, I steared clear of google.
I am still in a good place but have been sad and missing my boy. With Christmas approaching it's bringing up a lot of emotions. It's going to be a tough time and I'm debating several things like should I buy B a gift of some kind? Should I buy Big Sis something from B? How can I remember him? Lot's to figure out in about 6 weeks.
I made the mistake of joining a message board this pregnancy. I am overwhelmed by all of the stupid first time moms. I hate them and reading about all of their stupid concerns. "will I get stretch marks" "will my boobs sag" or calling the first movements of the baby "annoying tickles" how about this
"will my baby die" "will my baby stop breathing before my next dr appt" or "boy, I'm glad I felt the baby moving early on since it died"
I hate message boards.

Darkness

"They gave so much to be so little...but angels always do."

Thank you Melissa for sharing that, it is my new favourite quote.

There was a point after Blaine where all of my thoughts were dark. I never shared them with anyone, not the therapist, pyschiatrist, hubby, no one. They were the types of thoughts people get "labelled" for having. Labels like "suicidal," "homicidal," "crazy." The kind of thoughts that get used against you in custody battles and lawsuits. The kind you aren't supposed to share unless you're writing the screenplay for "Pet Semetary 3" or "Saw 23." The dark period thankfully didn't last long and is gone now. It's just a memory now, a memory of days when I felt like I was walking on the line between reality and insanity. I had an appt with my psychiatrist yesterday and find myself talking about how well I was feeling emotionally. And I really am. Maybe it's the zoloft? Maybe it's the positive pregnancy hormones? Maybe it's acceptance? Or a bit of all three. I just know that I feel good. Still sad, I cried a little on the way home tonight cause Big Sis asked if we were buying Blaine a Christmas present. But other than some bittersweet moments I am happy again. I am normal. I feel a normal amount of sadness at the loss of my child I feel a normal amount of stress and anxiety. I am normal. And if feels so good to say that.

Acceptance

Dear Blaine, God I miss you. The boy I never knew yet the one who stole my heart, who changed my very core. Big Sis has always been my soul sister. She is a mini me, unfortunately not in just the good ways but in some of the bad too. As she gets older she starts to look more and more like me and develop some of my mannerisms. Big Sis came into my life and made me a grown up. I traded my designer clothes for sweats and jeans. I traded my makeup for scrunchies. Out went the assorted vodka drinks and in came the chocolate milk. Gone was the smoking body that got honked at while walking down the street. Now I have a body only a mother be proud of, stretch marks and all! Needless to say Big Sis's arrival made a huge impact. But not like you. I willingly took in all of the changes that came with being a first time mom and felt no resistance. I did not willingly accept the new role of BLM though. I have fought tooth and nail to not be the mother of a dead child. Just as I would have fought tooth and nail if there were anyway I could have saved you. I have come to the realization lately that I cannot fight it. And I don't want to anymore. I am changed because of you. There are parts of me and of my life now that would not be here if you had not died. And while I would take the life of anyone else on this earth (except Big Sis) to have you back I have to accept the fact that this is us. This is our relationship, you the angel in Heaven, me the sad Mother on earth.
You hear awful things when a baby dies, after your death I heard things like "it happened for a reason" and "it's in God's plan" and "it wasn't meant to be." I hated hearing those things and when the emotion is that raw it didn't help. But now with time I can accept them. I can accept that maybe there was something wrong with you and you weren't meant to be born alive into this world. Maybe your purpose in life was bigger than the average person being born and growing old living a mediocre existence. I hoped right after you died that if anything good came of it it would be that Daddy would start believing in God and become a Christian. That he would see what a miracle life was. That his son would end up giving him the greatest gift. That hasn't happened yet but maybe there's still time. I can accept that our lives together were just not meant to be. And that doesn't make me stop missing you and that doesn't mean I don't wish that things were different. It just means that I'm going to be the mother you deserve and I'm going to be the mother your siblings deserve. I'm going to accept what this new life has taught me and the gifts it has brought me. And I'm going to cherish you without being consumed by you. That is the balance I've been looking for and I finally feel like I have it. I hope you're proud of me. You can now show your mother off to all your friends and tell them what a strong woman she is. Couldn't have done it without you B. I was supposed to teach you all about life and love but in an interesting twist it is you who taught me.