The Deep End

The Deep End. I've gone off it. I completely had a breakdown yesterday. Cried on and off all day and then really fell apart last night. I honestly don't know why I'm so crazy right now. I guess I can partly blame hormones? Partly blame the fact that everything I'm doing now I should have been doing last August. Anxiety, stress, physical discomfort, lack of sleep? I'm glad I don't have to make any big decisions right now. I'm at a point where I can't even decide what to have for breakfast or lunch. For lunch right now I am having cookies and cream ice cream. Probably not the best choice. I said to hubby last night, "I wish I was the type of animal that could just crawl into a cave by myself and birth the baby." He could be standing guard at the entrance or hunting for food. A huge part of me wants to be alone but then I'm lonely. I'm alone most of the day, even when Abby is home from school she doesn't really need me. She plays or watches a show. I'm just kind of here to get her a drink or a meal. Even if we go out with another mom and kid I feel alone. I can't relate to these other moms like I used to. They ask me about the pregnancy and I have to fluff it up and make it sound normal. I'd empty the park if I actually told people how I was feeling. I feel bad enough unloading it on my hubby because he just wants to see me happy and thinks it's his responsibility to make me happy. And he can't and it's not even that I'm unhappy. I'm everything right now. Happy and sad. I told him last night to just worry about what he wants and what will make him happy. If he focuses on me it could go either way and there's no point in us both stressing or feeling guilty. I have a hope that all of this will go away once Caleb is successfully in my arms. Once I get that positive rush of hormones. I guess if that doesn't happen there's always drugs! Prescription ones of course.