Aha Moment

A mom online wrote this in a letter to her daughter on her blog today, I hope she doesn't mind me sharing it but it made me cry, like hard cry. It was a total aha moment because it sums up exactly what I've been feeling about Blaine and Caleb's arrival. I just couldn't put it into words myself. This idea is what has had me so upset and so anxious about Caleb's arrival. She's talking about how if she had her child living with her friends and family would be swooping in to take care of the 19 month old so she could focus on the new baby. Same way we have endless support of people who will take Abby for us for the day or night so we can be with Caleb. I could literally name a dozen people I could call right now who would take care of Abby for us if we needed to rush to the hospital.

The mom writes:

"And well, my love, you are not on this earth with us, so no one thinks to ask me who will care for you while I focus on being present for this new little, demanding life. No one realizes I need to know you will be cared for – that you will be remembered. "

Whether it's blogging or sending another mom a supportive email or posting on someone's Facebook wall, I do things everyday to keep Blaine in the picture. Same way I sit with Abby in the morning and go over what she's doing at school or making sure she's eating well and that she's clean and dressed properly (she has her father's sense of fashion). Who's going to take care of Blaine when I'm too busy with Caleb or while I'm in the labour? I know that probably sounds strange but I do things everyday to keep him a part of my life and a part of our family. Even if it's just interacting with other BLM's they are sure to remember him because of me. It's all this Momma has. I still have other feelings as well, there are people who just don't deserve Caleb, and there are other remnants of bitterness I carry. As well as the remaining guilt and grief. But this was the biggest thing. It's nice to see it written and to know I'm not the only one who feels that way.