One Year

I kept waking up throughout the night remembering. One year ago I wiped and there was blood; one year ago I stood in the doorway to my bedroom and told my hubby "I'm bleeding;" one year ago we had just gotten to the hospital; one year ago we were placed in a room; one year ago Sasquatch came and told me I was having a miscarriage. And so on and so on. One year ago at this time I had already been in the hospital labouring for just over 8 hours. One year ago at this time I was waiting for my baby to die. We were still in the ER room. Today will be filled with those reminders. I would love nothing more than to curl up in my bed right now and sleep until Thursday. If I weren't pregnant I may consider getting drunk by noon. I wish I had a photo or something tangible to touch and look at from my time at the hospital. Normally when you labour for 31 hours and you sit remembering the experience you have a baby to touch and look at. I just wanted it to be over with though. I wanted out of the bed and out of the hospital. I knew I couldn't save him so my instinct was to protect myself. That didn't work so well. Everything I did to "protect" myself made things 100% worse once it was all over with. The guilt ate and at times still eats at me. If I have to relive it all why can't I go back and redo it all? I doubt that I will ever forget the sequence of events or the feelings that I went through as I waited. The waiting was the cruelest part. You would think things like this would happen quickly. Not for me though, I had to labour for 31 hours before Blaine was "born." I just lied in that hospital bed waiting. My hubby took me for a walk around the floor but other than trips to the bathroom that was it. He went for a couple of walks but other than that he never left my side. My hubby has this thing with hospitals. He won't sit. So for most of the time he was pacing or standing over me. Finally at about 9pm he sat down and luckily he did let himself sleep some through the second night. It wasn't just tough on me. I could see it in his eyes. I'm sure he's spending today remembering in his own way what he was doing and feeling a year ago today.