Dark Day

If you know what the weather is here in the Tdot then you know it perfectly fits my mood today. Gloomy, cold, grey. I feel I've fallen into a pit of loneliness. I feel so alone in my grief and remembrance right now. I don't really have any reason in particular for this. But that's grief right? Sometimes it's timing is imperfect. Or maybe it is just because I felt so utterly abandoned this past week. It's sad to me that IRL there were four of us that remembered Blaine's birthday. And as I said I can't be too surprised, I don't remember everyone's bdays. My cousins have tons of kids and I don't even know the months of all of their bdays. So, it's not like I expected family from all over the country to reach out. But I did actually expect my mother to. Or my sister. Or dad. Maybe it was just too much to ask of them. And I won't mention it because I don't need people thinking of my son out of pity. If they don't remember him on their own then I'm not going to try to force them to. Now I'm at a point where I'm pretty much bitter. Bitter, sad and lonely. I feel like I've just become a burden to my husband. As good as he's been and is he'll never admit it though. This is where I'm at though. There is a huge myth in the pregnancy loss world that getting pregnant after a loss will make things easier. I admit finding out I was pregnant with Caleb the day before Blaine's EDD was a help. Being pregnant on Blaine's birthday though made it much worse. Not only did I have to mourn my son but I had to worry about what that mouring and anxiety was doing to the son I was supposed to be nourishing. What effect does this grief and sadness have on little Caleb's heart and soul? It just added more guilt and anxiety to an already rough day. Not saying I wish I wasn't pregnant right now but for anyone who thinks it's a fix, it isn't. It will at times actually make you feel worse. I know I have so much to look forward to in the next month. I also know that I'm going to have times when I just want to cut everyone out of me and my kids lives and retreat.