Birthday Celebrations

To my boy Blaine on his first birthday, Momma wishes you the best birthday party ever! Eat as much cake as you can stomach and play with all of your friends. Your friends are too many to name here but I know they are with you, just as their mommy's are here with me.

This wasn't as bad as I expected. Yesterday was actually much much worse. The grief demons reared the ugly head and I barely kept it together yesterday. There were some very dark moments and thoughts. I had tears brimming in my eyes or falling down my cheeks all day. I dropped my daughter off at school and walked over to the plaza to do some shopping. I just couldn't go home by myself. I walked past the funeral home. I cried throughout my walk and my shopping. I picked my daughter up and managed to keep it together until she went to bed. Had to go to the washroom a couple of times to dry my eyes. Once she went to bed I let myself crumble. And crumble I did, full on sobbing, ugly cry. Letting myself do that may be one of the reasons why today was not as hard. Maybe I cried myself out. April 12th was also much worse than April 13th.

Blaine's actual birth day was very anti climatic. He was born around 8:40 am and by lunch we were at home. We spent the day doing regular family things. We ordered in dinner, the same restaurant we ate at both when we found out we were having Abby and when we found out we were having Blaine. April 12th was much worse. We were at the hospital the entire day, waiting, exams, waiting, more exams, waiting. I guess it makes sense that the memories I have of the 12th are much worse than the ones of the 13th. Today I found myself more at peace. I had some bitter moments. My cousin had her baby on the weekend and decided today was a good day to send me pics. Yes, the 25 yr old cousin who lives with her mom and got pregnant via one night stand with some guy from work who isn't even around anymore.

Other than BLM's and my friend Liz no one remembered. I can't say I blame them, I don't remember all of my friend's and family's birthdays. Blaine was just not significant to the rest of them. Hubby stayed home from work and we took our girl to school and then we went out for lunch together. It was nice to have him with me. We picked up our cupcakes that I ordered for today. The pic of them is below. We ate them after school and that made me a little sad. Sad that there was no one year old here to make a mess of himself! But in many ways he is here and always will be. And I love him as much today as I ever have. And miss him just as much.