It's so easy in the early stages to get wrapped up in what I lost and what I miss. I was so self absorbed, worried about how I would move on and what MY life would be like in the future. Now that I have come to a peaceful place with myself I find the things I miss and mourn the most are not for me but for others. Others who have lost so much and not gained what I have. I mourn for my daughter who has lost her little brother. Who will never walk him to school holding hands or fight over the remote control. Who will never yell at him to get out of her room or cuddle up with him in the backseat of the car on the way to Papa's. She doesn't get to sit in the rocking chair and hold her baby brother. When she talks about him to her friends and teacher she is talking about an angel waiting for her in heaven (and she talks about him a lot!). Big Sis has handled it so well, as only an innocent child can. She very matter of factly said "I'm not sad, I'll see him when I go to Heaven." And that's her reality.
I mourn for my hubby. Everytime I see a boy and his Daddy on the subway or I see a commercial with a Daddy and his son playing sports or watching a game together. He doesn't get to take his son to hockey games and baseball games. He doesn't get to teach him how to shave or drive a car. Daddy won't teach Blaine how to make Momma and Sissy's favourite pancakes. Everytime I see a father and son I think of what he's lost.
I mourn for my parents who had to watch their daughter lose her baby. They sat in the hospital room and I knew they would have done anything to take my pain. My Mom is usually the emotional mess in the family but she kept it together for me that day. My Dad hates hospitals and Blaine's was the only birth he's ever attended. And I love them for that.
I mourn for my nephew who had to tell his Auntie he's sorry she lost the baby. And for my sister who still calls Blaine her nephew, and I love that.
These are the things that make me the saddest now. I know what I have lost and have come to peace with that. I know I have an eternity with Blaine waiting for me once I've finished what I am here to do in this life. I know he is up there planting my garden! When I get there he's going to have a big party waiting for me and the two of us are going to spend so much time just getting to know each other. It is harder to come to peace with what others have lost though.
1 comment:
It breaks my heart whenever I think about Jonathan growing up without his sister and exactly all the things you wrote about. I do find much more comfort these days in imagining my eternal life and meeting Mikayla again on that Holy mountain, but still most days that doesn't keep me from thinking about all the things in this life we'll miss.
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