I've been taking an internet break. I had two somewhat scary moments with this pregnancy and since I am a googler I decided to just steer clear of the computer.
First, and this is related to Blaine. I have been referred to a high risk specialist OBGYN. So, I now have my family doctor, a nurse, my regular OBGYN, my psychiatrist and a specialist working on me! We discussed maybe needing a consult with a high risk and I requested Dr. Sasquatch. For those of you who haven't read Blaine's story, Dr. S was the Dr in the E.R. in April when we gave birth to Blaine. He has really big hands. I'm nervous about two things, 1. will he want to do an internal exam with those sasquatch hands? and 2. how am I going to feel seeing him? I haven't seen him since that day. I requested him because he is very caring and took the time to follow up on me after I went home. I know I can trust him. But I am scared to see him. Sometimes when I go to the doctor I go to the hallway where his office is and look at his name on the wall. Yes, kind of like stalking him. But he is connected to my son. He is one of the few people who held him (that I know of anyway). Now I have to sit and have a conversation with him and wonder the entire time if he remembers Blaine. Probably not given the sheer number of dead babies out there.
Secondly, I got a bladder infection. I'm sure there's tons of stories out there of women getting b.i. and miscarrying. So, I steared clear of google.
I am still in a good place but have been sad and missing my boy. With Christmas approaching it's bringing up a lot of emotions. It's going to be a tough time and I'm debating several things like should I buy B a gift of some kind? Should I buy Big Sis something from B? How can I remember him? Lot's to figure out in about 6 weeks.
I made the mistake of joining a message board this pregnancy. I am overwhelmed by all of the stupid first time moms. I hate them and reading about all of their stupid concerns. "will I get stretch marks" "will my boobs sag" or calling the first movements of the baby "annoying tickles" how about this
"will my baby die" "will my baby stop breathing before my next dr appt" or "boy, I'm glad I felt the baby moving early on since it died"
I hate message boards.
4 comments:
An internet break is sometimes just what we need. I'm thrilled and excited for you to be pregnant again and I hope things go nice and smooth for you throughout this pregnancy.
I don't know if I will join another message board for pregnancy when (and if) that time comes. I don't know.
Thinking of you and Blaine, and I'm sorry I've been a horrible internet friend lately! But, like I said...sometimes an internet break is just what we need. Just know I am thinking of you always and sending you my love!
I laughed at your comment about Dr. S. having big hands, and wondering about an internal exam. :)
While I don't have the same people following me through my pregnancy as you do with yours - I have my team. I'm so happy to have my team, and so sad because if my daughter hadn't died, I wouldn't NEED a team. I'm working with a nurse-midwife group (in case we choose a hospital birth), my homebirth midwife from Acacia's pregnancy who will at least be a doula at the birth if we go to the hospital, my therapist, and a periantologist for testing.
You gotta take the internet breaks as you need them - so glad you could take care of yourself!
Love to you!
Oh gosh, I hadn't even considered those message boards after you've been through a loss. I used to get annoyed at those comments before, and I certainly wouldn't have the patience for them now. =) I'm glad you are taking care of yourself and are seeking out a good care team. I'm sure it's very difficult to go through another pregnancy after losing Blaine. I too am trying to figure out how to keep Mikayla's memory alive during the holidays. Really, these traditions are all we have to do for them so it feel so important to me. Thinking of you and sending hugs!
UGH I was on a message board with my last pregnancy - it was nice for a very small amoutn of time. Then the morons came on who "were not happy about being pregnant" and so on. Why THEY get to have their children and us BLMs are suffering without ours is beyond me. I am a googler too - GOOD FOR YOU for taking a break. Say no to drugs AND say no to GOOGLE! LOL
(((hugs))) <3
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