Hello Blogger, it's been awhile. I decided to come out of retirement to participate in Right Where I Am.
Here is the first one that I did, two years ago in 2011. And last years, 2012.
Where am I now: sitting at the computer, MercyMe on the speaker, Dora the Explorer on the TV; a princess creating in her room; a prince covered in pizza sauce lounging on the couch. 3 years, 3 months and 2 days away from that life changing moment.
Who am I now? I think that's the more important question.
We just got back from our annual pilgrimage up north. About half of Blaine's cremains are buried up there under a shrub we picked out just for him (picture below). When I'm up there I feel closer to him. Maybe it's because of the shrub, maybe it's just being so close to nature. The beauty and the freedom of the outdoors. I feel like he's there, more so than I do here in the city. Maybe it's just that I feel closer to God up there, closer to the life that God intended for us. A glimpse of what Heaven may be like. I still think of what might have been. I am only human, I still get angry, bitter, hurt, sad, so so sad. I have cried more times than anyone can imagine. I am shocked by how much mucous the human nose can leak out. There is a hole inside me that will last the rest of my days on earth. There is a tearing. I have no doubts that there is a Heaven. And to live with one child there and two children here tears at me. I want them all together. But we have business here and Blaine has business there.
I think I have gotten to a point in my journey where I see purpose and meaning. I know some people would say that there is no meaning, that death is pointless and "meaning" is just for the survivors, something to help them carry on. I'm a big cynic but I'm not that skeptical. Blaine's death taught me not to hold on to things of this earth. That anything, anyone can be taken from you at any moment. CS Lewis said "Don't let your happiness depend on something you may lose." Blaine's death changed me for the better. As weird as it sounds, my life has improved. That's not to say I'm glad he died exactly, just that I'm glad for who I've become since I had to deal with that. Surviving the death of a child, no matter the gestation or age, is something no parent should have to endure. I did it. And I came out on top. I not only survived, I thrived. I am an Overcomer!
Blaine's death taught me to appreciate the things I have in my life, the people, the places, the sounds, smells, tastes. I'm not going to pretend I walk around like some stoned hippie loving everyone all day. I still have pet peeves and annoyances. But I appreciate the good times more now. Another thing that has changed for the better is that I see children now differently then I saw them before. Not just mine but all children. I see the way this world bends and breaks and molds our kids. My heart breaks for all of the babies who don't make it out of the womb alive, either by accident or "choice." I fight for them. I fight for every baby, loved by their mother or not. I fight to remember them. I never wanted Blaine to be forgotten. It broke my heart to think that no one would remember he was here. That he existed, that he lived and died and mattered. That he was a son and a grandson and a brother. Every child deserves to be recognized. And I take it very personally when one is treated like they don't matter. When a group of mothers battle over which children deserve life and which don't, which children deserve a blog and a voice, and which don't. I am still struck by the unfairness of reproduction. So many wonderful, loving families yearning for a child of their own while predators and abusers and narcissists breed with no care as to the life they are creating. Watching the news is tiring.
And that is where I am and who I am. A lover of Jesus, a mother, a wife, a friend. I am earnestly trying to soak everything up, stay humble, stay married and in love, raise my kids to be old fashioned in this modern world, live a purpose driven life and with the help of coffee I may just get it right!
Monday, July 15, 2013
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Life Here
Life is pretty good here. I have two living children who are currently snuggled up napping on the couch together. They are so in love. Yet...
I have just cleaned my bedroom and inevitably ended up reorganizing Blaine's things and cleaning them as well. I miss him. I miss what could have been. It's not even really "missing" because I didn't know Blaine. Let's be honest. For all I know Blaine could have grown up to be a real jerk. He was a baby in the womb. He didn't do anything that I can "miss." So, I guess that's not the word. "Long." I long for the little kicks and punches I felt so early on. I wish. I wish I had a lifetime of memories to miss. It's hard to explain to someone who has never "lost" a pregnancy. All of the things you thought would be your life for the next 60 years are gone.
I'm not unusually sad or depressed today. I'm just thinking of him a lot. It's just one of those days that I still have every once in awhile where I have to revisit that time. That time when grief was fresh and new.
My sad little attempt at doing something creative! lol Couldn't find a "perfect" background.
I have just cleaned my bedroom and inevitably ended up reorganizing Blaine's things and cleaning them as well. I miss him. I miss what could have been. It's not even really "missing" because I didn't know Blaine. Let's be honest. For all I know Blaine could have grown up to be a real jerk. He was a baby in the womb. He didn't do anything that I can "miss." So, I guess that's not the word. "Long." I long for the little kicks and punches I felt so early on. I wish. I wish I had a lifetime of memories to miss. It's hard to explain to someone who has never "lost" a pregnancy. All of the things you thought would be your life for the next 60 years are gone.
I'm not unusually sad or depressed today. I'm just thinking of him a lot. It's just one of those days that I still have every once in awhile where I have to revisit that time. That time when grief was fresh and new.
My sad little attempt at doing something creative! lol Couldn't find a "perfect" background.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Blaine is Still With Us
I thought I'd just quickly check my email. I never check my email when I'm at my parents house but it had been a couple of days, I just had my coffee and Abby was playing contentedly. A quick email check. I opened my email and the first one I noticed was from a name I didn't recognize and the subject line was simply "Blaine." I figured it was another BLM who was sending me a surprise name photo. I opened it and started to read and then 5 little words popped out at me "Blaine is still with us." I reread that line over and over. How can this be?
Backtrack for those of you who have not read our story. When Blaine was born we walked away without him. Because of baby killing laws in my country you don't have to make funeral arrangements for babies born under 20 weeks. With me being in shock I had no idea what to do so we just left him at the hospital. I regretted this decision immediately. I spent the next few months desperate. What happened to him? Where was his body? Every time I looked at the smoke stack that sticks up from the hospital I wondered if he had been burned with the medical waste.
I got in touch with a woman named Cyndi from a local bereavement group. She did her best to try to get me any information, an u/s photo, photo of his body, anything. And then, like manna from Heaven, my own personal miracle came in the form of an email, from a nurse at the hospital. Forget the parting of the red seas, this was bigger than walking on water or turning water into wine. For an "unexplained" reason Blaine had been embalmed in a jar in the lab at the hospital and then forgotten about. 4 months later he was still there. Yes, if you were wondering, babies under 20 weeks who are not taken home are disposed of with the medical waste. Not at the hospital, they are taken off site. I found this out after I had him back. This unfortunately happened to a family I met in the bereavement group. But Blaine had been "missed."
These 5 words probably saved my sanity. I have no idea where I would be mentally right now if I had found out he had been disposed of with someone's infected liver. I have to credit Cyndi who worked so hard to help me and then Shelly at the hospital who found him and contacted me. The funeral home was amazing, so caring and compassionate. I had to make all of the arrangements myself, the funeral home manager was the one who came with me and stood beside me as I viewed Blaine's little body in his beautiful white casket.
My husband, Cyndi, Shelly and the funeral home manager all tried to figure out why Blaine was still there. Not that any of us were complaining but what happened? I didn't care. I, like Tebow, am not afraid to bend a knee. I know whose work this was. God kept Blaine there at the hospital until I was ready to meet him. He knew his plans for me, not to hurt me but to make me prosper. (Jeremiah 29:11) He knew as I stood looking at the little body that seemed to have just fallen from my womb that one day I would need this. That one day returning my son to me would return his daughter to Him.
Backtrack for those of you who have not read our story. When Blaine was born we walked away without him. Because of baby killing laws in my country you don't have to make funeral arrangements for babies born under 20 weeks. With me being in shock I had no idea what to do so we just left him at the hospital. I regretted this decision immediately. I spent the next few months desperate. What happened to him? Where was his body? Every time I looked at the smoke stack that sticks up from the hospital I wondered if he had been burned with the medical waste.
I got in touch with a woman named Cyndi from a local bereavement group. She did her best to try to get me any information, an u/s photo, photo of his body, anything. And then, like manna from Heaven, my own personal miracle came in the form of an email, from a nurse at the hospital. Forget the parting of the red seas, this was bigger than walking on water or turning water into wine. For an "unexplained" reason Blaine had been embalmed in a jar in the lab at the hospital and then forgotten about. 4 months later he was still there. Yes, if you were wondering, babies under 20 weeks who are not taken home are disposed of with the medical waste. Not at the hospital, they are taken off site. I found this out after I had him back. This unfortunately happened to a family I met in the bereavement group. But Blaine had been "missed."
These 5 words probably saved my sanity. I have no idea where I would be mentally right now if I had found out he had been disposed of with someone's infected liver. I have to credit Cyndi who worked so hard to help me and then Shelly at the hospital who found him and contacted me. The funeral home was amazing, so caring and compassionate. I had to make all of the arrangements myself, the funeral home manager was the one who came with me and stood beside me as I viewed Blaine's little body in his beautiful white casket.
My husband, Cyndi, Shelly and the funeral home manager all tried to figure out why Blaine was still there. Not that any of us were complaining but what happened? I didn't care. I, like Tebow, am not afraid to bend a knee. I know whose work this was. God kept Blaine there at the hospital until I was ready to meet him. He knew his plans for me, not to hurt me but to make me prosper. (Jeremiah 29:11) He knew as I stood looking at the little body that seemed to have just fallen from my womb that one day I would need this. That one day returning my son to me would return his daughter to Him.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Lil Angel Hankie
I just got this in the mail today! I totally forgot that I requested it, can't even remember when I did.
It's this great group called "Little Angel Hankies"
It is so beautiful. They are hand stitched and made by request for free for baby loss parents. I am a huge fan of theirs.
My favourite part of the included poem is
"I love him as much as I love my new son
He made me a Mommy, though his time was cut short."
by Tricia Pyatt, who does the hankies.
For free!!! If you know me you know I loathe anything that profits off of our loss. This is an incredible gift for parents but of course donations are welcome since this is all being done by hand and mailed.
I love it, love it, love it!!
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Right Where I Am, 2 years, 1 month, 13 days
I have been going back and forth about linking up with Angie @ Still Life With Circles for this year's Right Where I Am linkey doodle. Here is my post from last year. I just couldn't decide if I had it in me.
Where am I...a pretty good place. I think, as good as it's going to get.
Most days I don't have the slightest inkling of depression, guilt or regret. Some would chalk that up to having had another child. I am one of the lucky ones who got pregnant again quickly and successfully. Personally, I don't think that's it though. I made a decision to feel better. I make a decision everyday not to grieve anymore. Many will tell you that you will never stop grieving for your child, that everyday you will feel the loss. That's only true if you let it be your truth. For me, that wasn't acceptable. I have two living children who need a complete mother. So, I decided months ago that that's what I would be. That's one of the reasons I don't come on here as much anymore. It isn't because I don't think of B or of the friends I met. It's because if you surround yourself with sadness you will be sad. If you surround yourself with loss you will feel lost. Mind over matter.
So here I am, two years, one month and 13 days later. I have my moments. Just had one an hour ago. Today I've been reliving a good birth experience. Tomorrow is Caleb's first birthday. So, all day today I've been thinking of his birth. Then an hour ago, I flashed back to Blaine's. How different it was. I cried. I felt that surge of guilt and shame. But I recovered. I pushed the negative thoughts out of my head. That's an ability I didn't have last year. Last year and the year before I couldn't for the life of me will myself better. But now I can. Mind over matter.
This is right where I am, the Mother to three beautiful babies. Two who walk with me and one who soars above me. But not forever. I don't need to "grieve" because I've "lost" Blaine. I haven't. He may soar above me now but it's not forever. Someone has promised me something and I know he keeps his promises. He's promised me that there will be a reunion. And while I'm not the most patient person and I do find it very difficult to wait for something that I really really want, I will keep this in mind...earthly pain is temporary, children are not lost to those who are found.
Where am I...a pretty good place. I think, as good as it's going to get.
Most days I don't have the slightest inkling of depression, guilt or regret. Some would chalk that up to having had another child. I am one of the lucky ones who got pregnant again quickly and successfully. Personally, I don't think that's it though. I made a decision to feel better. I make a decision everyday not to grieve anymore. Many will tell you that you will never stop grieving for your child, that everyday you will feel the loss. That's only true if you let it be your truth. For me, that wasn't acceptable. I have two living children who need a complete mother. So, I decided months ago that that's what I would be. That's one of the reasons I don't come on here as much anymore. It isn't because I don't think of B or of the friends I met. It's because if you surround yourself with sadness you will be sad. If you surround yourself with loss you will feel lost. Mind over matter.
So here I am, two years, one month and 13 days later. I have my moments. Just had one an hour ago. Today I've been reliving a good birth experience. Tomorrow is Caleb's first birthday. So, all day today I've been thinking of his birth. Then an hour ago, I flashed back to Blaine's. How different it was. I cried. I felt that surge of guilt and shame. But I recovered. I pushed the negative thoughts out of my head. That's an ability I didn't have last year. Last year and the year before I couldn't for the life of me will myself better. But now I can. Mind over matter.
This is right where I am, the Mother to three beautiful babies. Two who walk with me and one who soars above me. But not forever. I don't need to "grieve" because I've "lost" Blaine. I haven't. He may soar above me now but it's not forever. Someone has promised me something and I know he keeps his promises. He's promised me that there will be a reunion. And while I'm not the most patient person and I do find it very difficult to wait for something that I really really want, I will keep this in mind...earthly pain is temporary, children are not lost to those who are found.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Back to Work
Tomorrow is a big day for us, back to work! If you are on my FB friends list you know I've been going on and on about this for weeks now. So sad to leave my little man. And Abby as well although she's at school all day anyway so it won't be as big a deal to be away from her. Caleb and I are still nursing though and we have daily smooching sessions and naps and playdates. There will be lots of tears this week I'm sure, for me and him. He's never been away from me for more than 5 or 6 hours. I know I just have to suck it up and eventually we'll adjust.
One thing I forgot to mention about our trip. As I was finalizing the packing the morning we left I realized I hadn't thought of Blaine's ashes and "things." Was I just going to leave them here alone? I couldn't fathom the idea and yet I didn't really want to bring two boxes of stuff with me. I desperately called another BLM that lives fairly close, Kai's mom Akemi, and asked if they could babysit. Actually I got her husband and after a complete emotional breakdown, asked. They did and he spent a week with their little guy Kai. I can't believe I didn't think of it until the last minute and was so glad that I had someone close by that I could trust with him. It was a weird experience going through my phone list and thinking "ok, who will do this without thinking I'm nuts?" All the more reason to make some IRL BLM friends.
One thing I forgot to mention about our trip. As I was finalizing the packing the morning we left I realized I hadn't thought of Blaine's ashes and "things." Was I just going to leave them here alone? I couldn't fathom the idea and yet I didn't really want to bring two boxes of stuff with me. I desperately called another BLM that lives fairly close, Kai's mom Akemi, and asked if they could babysit. Actually I got her husband and after a complete emotional breakdown, asked. They did and he spent a week with their little guy Kai. I can't believe I didn't think of it until the last minute and was so glad that I had someone close by that I could trust with him. It was a weird experience going through my phone list and thinking "ok, who will do this without thinking I'm nuts?" All the more reason to make some IRL BLM friends.
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