Hello Blogger, it's been awhile. I decided to come out of retirement to participate in Right Where I Am.
Here is the first one that I did, two years ago in 2011. And last years, 2012.
Where am I now: sitting at the computer, MercyMe on the speaker, Dora the Explorer on the TV; a princess creating in her room; a prince covered in pizza sauce lounging on the couch. 3 years, 3 months and 2 days away from that life changing moment.
Who am I now? I think that's the more important question.
We just got back from our annual pilgrimage up north. About half of Blaine's cremains are buried up there under a shrub we picked out just for him (picture below). When I'm up there I feel closer to him. Maybe it's because of the shrub, maybe it's just being so close to nature. The beauty and the freedom of the outdoors. I feel like he's there, more so than I do here in the city. Maybe it's just that I feel closer to God up there, closer to the life that God intended for us. A glimpse of what Heaven may be like. I still think of what might have been. I am only human, I still get angry, bitter, hurt, sad, so so sad. I have cried more times than anyone can imagine. I am shocked by how much mucous the human nose can leak out. There is a hole inside me that will last the rest of my days on earth. There is a tearing. I have no doubts that there is a Heaven. And to live with one child there and two children here tears at me. I want them all together. But we have business here and Blaine has business there.
I think I have gotten to a point in my journey where I see purpose and meaning. I know some people would say that there is no meaning, that death is pointless and "meaning" is just for the survivors, something to help them carry on. I'm a big cynic but I'm not that skeptical. Blaine's death taught me not to hold on to things of this earth. That anything, anyone can be taken from you at any moment. CS Lewis said "Don't let your happiness depend on something you may lose." Blaine's death changed me for the better. As weird as it sounds, my life has improved. That's not to say I'm glad he died exactly, just that I'm glad for who I've become since I had to deal with that. Surviving the death of a child, no matter the gestation or age, is something no parent should have to endure. I did it. And I came out on top. I not only survived, I thrived. I am an Overcomer!
Blaine's death taught me to appreciate the things I have in my life, the people, the places, the sounds, smells, tastes. I'm not going to pretend I walk around like some stoned hippie loving everyone all day. I still have pet peeves and annoyances. But I appreciate the good times more now. Another thing that has changed for the better is that I see children now differently then I saw them before. Not just mine but all children. I see the way this world bends and breaks and molds our kids. My heart breaks for all of the babies who don't make it out of the womb alive, either by accident or "choice." I fight for them. I fight for every baby, loved by their mother or not. I fight to remember them. I never wanted Blaine to be forgotten. It broke my heart to think that no one would remember he was here. That he existed, that he lived and died and mattered. That he was a son and a grandson and a brother. Every child deserves to be recognized. And I take it very personally when one is treated like they don't matter. When a group of mothers battle over which children deserve life and which don't, which children deserve a blog and a voice, and which don't. I am still struck by the unfairness of reproduction. So many wonderful, loving families yearning for a child of their own while predators and abusers and narcissists breed with no care as to the life they are creating. Watching the news is tiring.
And that is where I am and who I am. A lover of Jesus, a mother, a wife, a friend. I am earnestly trying to soak everything up, stay humble, stay married and in love, raise my kids to be old fashioned in this modern world, live a purpose driven life and with the help of coffee I may just get it right!
1 comment:
For whatever reason I was thinking about you today. I've never met you and yet you, and Blaine had a big impact on me. I was deep in the grief of my own loss feeling so alone because no one seemed to understand what it was like to lose a baby at 17 weeks. I found your blog and it helped me. I will never never forget either of you. Thank you for writing and sharing your story.
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