A Baby's Secret

I’m just a little fellow
Who didn’t quite make it there
I went straight to be with Jesus
... But I’m waiting for you here.
Don’t you fret about me mommy
I’m of all God’s lambs, most blessed
I’d have loved to stay there with you
But the shepherd knows what’s best.


Many dwellings here where I live
waited years to enter in
Struggled through a world of sorrow
and their lives were marred with sin.


So sweet mommy don’t you sorrow
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom
I went straight to Jesus’ bosom
from my lovely mother’s womb.
Thank you for the name you gave me
I’d have loved to brought it fame
But if I’d lingered in earth’s shadows
I’d might instead have brought it shame.

Daddy gave me something for you
It’s our secret mommy dear
He pressed it tight against my forehead
and whispered in my ear.


I’d be waiting for you mommy,
you, and Daddy and my sis.
I’ll be with you then forever
Then I’ll give you Daddy’s kiss.


© Elsie Diamond. All Rights Reserved.
I absolutely love this. It was shared by a FB group this morning called "Grieving Mothers"

Thankful for the Small Things

Psalm 104: 27,28

*All creatures look to you to give them their food at the proper time. When you give it to them, they gather it up; when you open your hand, they are satisfied with good things.*

I wanted to write a quick post and link up with Fran's "Small Miracles" from Small Bird Studio. 



What are the small things in life that bring me joy?  That make life worth living? 

If I took this to the very smallest of things in my life I would say coffee!  I am thankful for coffee, some mornings I wake up and it's the very first thing I think of.  I can taste it and smell it before I've brewed it or bought it. 

Thinking bigger.  Abby and Caleb and Hubby.  I am so so thankful for my little living family.  The family that I get to love and enjoy everyday.  When I think of Abby I am most thankful for her laugh and for her sweet heart.  She has such an infectious laugh.  You can't hear it and not laugh along with her.  It is loud and girly and demands attention.  C, his kisses and hugs.  They are normally messy and violent.  He grabs my face with both hands and pulls me to him, smashes his lips against me and smooshes them all around.  He makes a sound like "mum mum mum," as if he's trying to eat my face.  I could sit and kiss this kid for hours.  Hubby, watching him take care of us, especially when he does things I know he hates like change diapers or sweep the floor.  I know he is doing it to make things easier for me.  You know what's sexy?  A man doing housework and taking care of kids!  There are so many small things I am thankful for each day and I honestly try to make an attempt to notice them and thank God for them.  I read this poster that said "What if you woke up tomorrow with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?"  With that in mind I try never to go to bed without giving God his glory and letting him know what I appreciate in my life.  I even try to include Blaine in each prayer of gratitude.  Thankful to God for giving him to me and for the lessons that came with his short life and death. 

Those are my small moments.  This is our day to day life.  Kisses and laughter and dirty dishes.

Pay It Forward

I had this on FB and no one replied so I thought I'd put it here...

Pay It Forward 2012.  For the first FIVE ppl that comment I will make a homemade gift for you.  The only catch is that you do the same for someone else.  And gifts must be sent out by end of year.

2011 Wrap Up

I was on the fence about doing this but thought it would be a good chance for me to really look back at the year that just passed and to look forward to the year that's come.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
~ give birth to a live baby boy!

2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
~ I don't normally make them and didn't last year but this year I have decided on a goal and a resolution.  My goal is to be able to do a proper push up with Abby sitting on my back.  My resolution is to take better care of myself, physically, mentally and spiritually.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

~ me
~ some friends


4. Did anyone close to you die?
~ our family dog, who btw was mourned more than my son...my parents even got bereavement cards!

5. What countries/states did you visit?
~ nowhere


6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
~ a thinner waist! 
~ more time just being with my family, not stressing or worrying or planning, just being

7. What dates/events from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
~ April 13th - Blaine's birthday; May 27th - Caleb's birth; being home all summer with Abby;


8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
~ Caleb! 
~ breastfeeding
~ still having a great Christmas without wasting money


9. What was your biggest failure
~ not being at my weight loss goal by New Year

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
~ no thank God this was a healthy year


11. What was the best thing you bought?
~ can't think of anything...I guess saving money for our trip next year


12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
~ I'll just repeat last year cause it's the same...my fellow blm's who embraced me and got me through the worst; my husband; my daughter


13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
~ again, won't name names

14. Where did most of your money go?
~ food and daycare fees


15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
~ having a baby
~ raising a boy
~ watching the kids play together and hug and kiss
~ working out


16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
~ Everyone Watched the Wedding by Jim Cuddy
~ Rolling in the Deep by Adele
~ Give Me Everything by Pitbull and NeYo


17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? much much happier
b) thinner or fatter? thinner
c) richer or poorer? poorer in cash flow; richer in spirit

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
~ take time to be thankful for what I have
~ play with my daughter, I never play with her enough, there is never enough time
~ craft projects


19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
~ worry


20. How did you spend Christmas?
~ cooking and cleaning


21. Which blogspot people did you meet this year?
~ only one IRL, Dana but I've met other BLM's who are not on Blogger

22. Did you fall in love in 2011?

~ no, I was already there


23. How many one-night stands?
~ none


24. What was your favourite TV program?
~ Vampire Diaries and Terra Nova and General Hospital of course


25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
~ no I dislike the same ppl


26. What was the best book you read?
~ still finishing the series "Game Of Thrones"

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

~ Adele?  maybe


28. What did you want and get?
~ a beautiful healthy living baby boy


29. What did you want and not get?
~ enough cash to be a stay at home mom


30. What was your favourite film of this year?
~ not sure, saw a couple fairly good ones


31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
~ turned 33, went to the spa, dinner with the family

32. What is one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

~ can't think of anything, all in all it was a pretty good year


33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
~ the leaky boob?!?


34. What kept you sane?
~ God, friends, writing


35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
~ not sure cause I don't really follow celebrity stuff...maybe Tim Tebow or Max Lucado or Stephen Harper?
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
~ abortion


37. Who did you miss?
~ Blaine, always Blaine


38. Who was the best new person you met?
~ Akemi, although technically I met her in 2010


39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:
~ you will heal if you allow yourself

Merry Christmas

A couple of days late.  I've been catching up today on the blogs I follow.  I'm glad to hear there were lots of peaceful and joy filled Christmases out there.    Sad to hear of so many families still without a rainbow, or worse, missing multiple children this year.

Here is a photo of a candle that my friend Dana lit in memory of Blaine....and below it a poem I came across

We had a pretty good Christmas.  It was a very toned down year.  I didn't go out and spend the money I usually spend.  I've decided I don't want to make Christmas a time of excess for the kids.  I want them to learn the true meaning of giving not getting.  And I want to create family traditions outside of just opening presents.  This year was a good start and no one seemed to care that I didn't spend thousands on presents...yes, I usually spend that much on presents.  Here is a photo of me and the kids...

Happy New Year to all!  I hope 2012 brings more joy, more love, more peace, more memories.

Missing Out

I'm feeling kind of lonely about the upcoming holiday events.  Where I once felt like I only fit in with my BLM's I now feel since I have a baby that I don't fit in there anymore.  There are two BLM events coming up and I'm not going to be able to attend either of them.  Neither of them are child friendly.  I am breastfeeding and pumping takes a lot of time and energy.  I can't always leave Caleb to go out.  Sunday I was supposed to go out and make holiday ornaments with the Face2Face group.  I can't though because I am going out Saturday and can't pump enough to leave Caleb both days.  Another group planned a candle lighting which I'd love to go to however, they've asked that no kids come.  A part of me completely understands that.  I imagine it must be really really hard for people who have no living children to be surrounded by babies and kids when they are trying to do something in memory of the child(ren) they lost.  A part of me is bitter about it though.  I don't know if bitter is the right word, maybe disappointed or feeling left out.  Abby remembers Blaine.  She heard his heartbeat, she felt him kick.  She wants to do things to mark his time with us and she can't.  Caleb is too young to understand this but I wanted him to grow up attending things so that one day it would just be normal to him.  And he can't.  I feel like my living kids aren't valued as much, their feelings, Abby's in particular, just aren't as important.  Again, I completely understand the other point of view but where does that leave families like mine?  We want to participate too.  We want to cherish and remember our babies.  There is one event coming up that is child friendly.  I didn't want to go because I totally disagree with the way the host organization is being run now.  It's all very political and I don't want anything to do with them.  But it is our only option for a family Christmas event for Blaine. 
I know this is probably going to sound incredibly selfish to some but I think both points of view are.  I agree it's selfish for me to want my kids included to spare mine and their feelings.  It's just one of those things that are brand new to me and I will have to figure out.  It just sucks because these things are the only time during the holidays that Blaine is going to be a part of the celebration.  Our families certainly aren't going to mention him, they didn't even do it last year. 

On a much lighter note, I just got an awesome gift from Amber, a bracelet with Blaine's name on it.  I love it!

Comments

I love comments.  I have heard so many nice things from other parents out there, on this blog and on the DBC.  This is one of the best comments I've gotten in awhile...

"This is random - but I wanted to let you know that I wrote Blaine's name down the other day. I went to a Day of the Dead exhibit at a local museum and one of the alters on display was made by 3 mamas who all lost their first babies. One of the areas of the exhibit was butterfly stickers to write people's name on them and stick them on the wall. I was teary-eyed through most of the exhibit, and wrote down Acacia's name on a butterfly. Then I thought of many of the other BLMs that I know and you and Blaine came to mind. Unfortunately I didn't have a camera on me to take a picture - but I wanted to let you know Blaine's name was up on that wall with Acacia's and a few others as well."

I love that Blaine was just randomly thought of.  It makes my day to hear things like this.   Like he really existed, he wasn't all just in my head.